Riverdale Palm Trees

Tucson, AZ – The Arizona Wildcats will be led by a mormon.  While Arizona’s large Mormon population in Phoenix is planning to make big road trips for all the game started by Arizona’s backup QB – Clarence Howard.  Brent Robinson went down in then 2nd quarter with a strained abdominal muscle, and will be out for three weeks.  It is the most serious injury to a Wildcat in five years.

In the game, Robinson looked pretty good before going down – 15/21 237 2 TDs.

“I’m very upset that I’m  hurt,” said Robinson after the game.  “But, we have a bye so I’ll only miss two games.  USC and Stanford.  Clarence can handle USC…um, maybe?”

The Wildcats are not resting easy this week, knowing that an unproven Junior Mormon QB will have to defend their Pac Ten winning streak against a Trojan team that is undefeated and ranked #5.

But they looked pretty good against WSU – with the Freshman Backfield doing it’s thing again – Alan Barron went over 100 yards for the first time, Steve Gilmore had two big 25 yard runs, and fullback Tim Christian had two more TDs on only nine yards!

Ryan Parrish had six catches for over 100 yards again.

On defense Alphonso Alston went nuts with six tackles, 4 TFLs, and 1 interception.

“Man, I hate WSU,” said Alston after the game.  “One time I stopped for gas in Pullman, and I wanted to get a slimjim, but the little store in there had no slim jims.  It sucked.  I had to eat one of those gross things with cheese and meat in the same package.  The greases comingled, I didn’t even finish it.  I through it at a kid in a WSU sweatshirt and swore revenge.  And now, here we are.”

Quinn Scott is turning into a freshman sensation has he was hitting HUGE all game long.

Jon Floyd returned a punt for TD>

Berkeley, CA – The Arizona Wildcats walked into Berkeley expecting to blowout an overrated Cal – like they’ve been doing for the past six years. But this is a different era in Arizona football, and the game was a miracle victory.

Josh Rice, son of Jerry, had a great game going 22/32 280 yards, and two touchdowns. With his arm, legs, and supporting cast, the Wildcat defense was again exposed as particularly weak against strong quarterbacks.

The score was 20-7 Cal at the half and Arizona looked like they were going to hand over the Pac Ten to the quickly improving Golden Bears.  But once again, Brent Robinson refused to give up in the face of interceptions, sacks, and drops by his recievers.

“If we’re going to lose a Pac Ten game,” said Robinson who went 13/23 214, one TD, one INT.  “It will be to the USC thugs, not to these pussified,  Norcal dorks.  Redwood would be disgusted to call these guys fellow environmentalists.”

The second half also featured a Wildcat defense that refused to budge after being torched by Rice in the first half.  Freshman sensation Quinn Scott finished the game with ten tackles, including two for loss.  While Defensive Tackle Kyle Jones (perhaps the best to ever play for Arizona) had four tackles for loss and a sack.

With the game 20-14, Alan Barron scampered for an impressive 20 yard run, and then freshman Tim Christian punched it in for the score, giving the Wildcats a 21-20 lead with two minutes left.

At that point the defense took over, forced a turnover, and Freshman RB Steve Gilmore broke a 30 yard run for the score.  Although some think Cal let him score to get the ball back.

With the ball back in their hands, they marched downfield against a tired Arizona D.  They reached the 35 and had one last hail mary pass to try and tie it.  For some  reason, Xavier Henderson was the ONLY person covering three Cal WRs (pictured) but still managed to bat the ball down and save the game for the Wildcats.

Arizona is now ranked #8 in the polls.

Tucson, AZ – The Wildcats will not have a perfect season…again.  Once again the brutal non conference schedule has brought about a loss for the talented, and hungry Wildcats, this time to Virginia Tech and their Heisman candidates at QB and RB.

The first half looked good with Arizona showing a lot of prowess, and strong defense.  But a huge fumble from Joe “Bong Bong” Fulton let Virginia Tech score and take a 14-7 lead at the half.

The Wildcats could not adjust at the half as Virginia Tech held the ball and kept moving it six or seven yards at a time.  VT’s Heisman front running QBChris McDowell looked like it.  He passed 10/13 88 yards, 1 TD and ran for 55 yards,  and 1 TD.  Barrett Dixon all over again.

On the ground, VT’s RB Mark Wilson tore  up the Cat’s with 154 yards and 2 TDs.

The two enabled Virginia Tech to hold onto the ball for almost 14 minutes, compared to SIX for the Wildcats.

Brent Robinson went 13/27 132 1 TD, but his recievers had SEVEN drops = 2 from Parrish, Jackson, Holbert, 1 from Holbert.

Tuscaloosa, AL – The #11 Crimson Tide were not about to hand over the prized SVSW Egg. With a pair of running backs clocking in at over 90 OVR, and an extremely aggressive defense. They played the Wildcats as tough as any team over the past six years and almost came away with a victory.

The first half did not start well for the Wildcats. Though Robinson passed reasonbly well on the opening drive, and Jay Gibson field goal put the Cats up 3-0, he proceded to throw THREE interceptions in the first half. Spotting Alabama 17-3 lead with a minute left in the half. But Robinson was not going to pull a Casey Cook and crawl into his hole and just die. He came out swinging in the last minute and was able to get the Wildcats down to the 40 yard line of Alabama before throwing a hailmary to Marcus Holbert to finish the first half 17-10.

“I don’t quit,” said Robinson. “I throw picks, I make mistakes, but I play hard and I never give up. I will not let this team down. I will not let my father down. I got New Jersey on my back.”

The second half remained tight, and Arizona committed to the West Coast offense of short passes and draw plays. Both sides were punting a lot, and Arizona’s defense came up huge in shutting down both the run and the pass. Especially Dem Indiana Boyz.

“We’re mad real,” said Nick Robinson who only had one sack, but was an absolute terror in getting pressure on the Alabama QB. “You can’t shut us down.”

They especially could not shut down Matt Fitzhugh who had five tackles, 3 TFLs and a sack. Also, Freshman sensation Quinn Scott had a sack and dropped TWO sure interceptions.

The game went back and forth until Alan Barron scrambled for a 17 yard touchdown run that featured an amazing block by freshman Fullback Tim Christian.

After that, the hungry Arizona defense picked off a pass that set up a Jay Gibson game winning field goal with two minutes left. After another turnover, Arizona got the ball back and started to run out the clock. But with all their timeouts and no Redwood Haynes the Wildcats were unable to get a first down and were forced to punt.

Alabama tried their hardest and made it all the way down to the Arizona 42 yard line with 10 seconds left on the clock. The Tide let a precious six seconds tick off the clock before calling a final timeout. They now had no chance at a field goal and had to throw a hail mary.

The pass was a beautiful arcing spiral that headed towards an Alabama reciever in single coverage. The crowd gasped, expecting another Wildcat loss at the hands of the tide. But Jon Floyd – Chinle’s finest. Intercepted the pass to finish the game.

Though the battle was won, the war was lost as The Egg stays in Tuscaloosa for another year.

Key Stats

• #5 Game of All Time – Game Score of 1033
• Brent Robinson 25/46 – 325 yards, 1 TD, 4 INTs
• Alan Barron 5/37 – 1 T rushing, 6/33 rec
• Ryan Parrish 9/137
• Marcus Holbert 4/89 1 TD

Kyle Jones is so good at football that he’s playing 3 other varsity sports just to stay interested. Needless to say, the assistant coach has been reprimanded for making this an issue.

Tucson, AZ – An early September monsoon swept over Tucson on Saturday.  Filling the air with the wonderful scent of wet desert earth.  But another smell was emanating from Arizona Stadium, that of the putrid Georgia Tech defense.

Brent Robinson in his first start as Quarterback, and running the new Arizona offense performed incredibly well.  Going 33/42 for 394 yards with three touchdowns and two interceptions.  Unfortunately both interceptions were thrown at the goalline and returned for touchdowns.  Meaning that Robinson might have thrown for 5 touchdowns had his recievers ran the proper routes.

“It was incredible,” said Robinson after the game.  “I’m so happy to finally have my chance to start, I waited for three long years under Casey who taught me a lot.  But I’m a different quarterback and this is a different team.  Bear Down.”

Freshman running back Alan Barron did extremely well in his first game, rushing five times for forty eight yards, but also pulling down seven catches.  His hands and smaller size (compared to Redwood Haynes) make him more of a recieving threat and the Wildcats look like they will exploit that ability throughout the season.

Andy Jackson, the burner from Peterborough, Ontario  had the game of his life.  Pulling in two touchdown catches including one that he caught at midfield and broke for a sixty yard score.

“Colooocoocooocooocooo,” said Jackson after the game, imitating the famous call from Bob and Doug McKenzie.  “This game was sweet, eh?  A real beaut. “

But literally the biggest star on offense was Josh Diles who had EIGHT pancakes blocks.  After the game he refused to be interviewed, but declared Georgia Tech to be a bunch of “high tech pussies.”

On Defense, it looks like this season will be dominated by DEM INDIANA BOYZ – Matt Fitzhugh and Nick Robinson.  Boht had five tackles, Fitzhugh had three for loss, and Robinson had two sacks.  He also had two catches at the goalline, as he is playing 3rd string tight end in goal line situations.

“Hey, if Jay can go both ways,” said Robinson.  “So can I.  You listening UofA honeys?  I hope to inspire you all to go both ways.  Especially you Ashley [Last Name deleted].”

The Wildcats are the Preseason #1 

Arizona released their 2017 Schedule, ranked a B+

Week 1 – Georgia Tech
The worst ranked defense in the US, Coach Stoops scheduled them in hopes of punishing them for jacking recruits from SBD’s Crimson Tide.

Week 2 – at #11 Alabama (SVSW)
The Wildcats go into Tuscaloosa to try and pry the egg from the hands of Alabama after a humiliation last year in Tucson.

Week 3 – Bye

Week 4 – #5 Virginia Tech
The Hokies come into Tucson for what many are considering the game of the year.

Week 5 – at #14 Cal
No matter their ranking, the Cal Bears cannot seem to ever handle the Wildcats

Week 6 – Washington State
A blowout in the making.

Week 7 – Bye

Week 8 – at #12 USC
Some are thinking that this might be the game that ends Arizona’s Pac Ten winning streak (which goes back the 2011)

Week 9 – Stanford
Nerds.

Week 10 – at Washington
Always a tough game.

Week 11 – UCLA
Punish William Greer for transferring

Week 12 – Oregon
Dangerous, so dangerous.

Week 13 – Oregon State
a Beaver bounce

Week 14 – at #23 Arizona State
Territorial Cup

Recruit
Tim Christian
#1 FB
Tallmadge, OH
6′0″ 239 lbs
40: 4.6
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 32.7″
HAnds: B
Bench: 360
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Dis: AVG
Four Stars
Prior to being named Tallmadge, the town was called “Town 2, Range 10″ as a part of the Connecticut Western Reserve. Christian always thought that it was way more gangster to say “T2, R10″ what? And whenever he would play World of Warcraft, or Quake that’s where he would say he was from, and he used the named “Wannabe Drunk” as a screen name. The reason is that until the early 1990s, Alcohol was banned in Tallmadge. That’s right NINTEEN (19) 90s. Recently Alcohol has been permitted for consumption, but it’s not as cool as it could be. Christian always wanted to go to a party school where he could drink light beer and Everclear. When it became clear that Football would be his ticket, he made his decision based solely on which school was best for partying. He visited Florida State but he saw a fat girl passed out near a keg and got scared. He went to Arizona State, but because of all the fake tans he was convinced there was a jaundice outbreak. When he came to Tucson, Will Higgins took him straight to a bar, got him drunk and let him sleep on the bare mattress he keeps in his spare room.

Quinn Scott
#1 OLB
Woodridge IL
6′4″ 229 lbs
40: 4.46
Field AWR: A
Vert: 37.5″
Hands: C
Bench: 405
Squat: 655
Dis: AVG
Pot: AVG
Five Stars
TOP HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER IN THE NATION
Quinn Scott and Greg Moore are known as the Illinois Woodies, as both recruits come from a town in Illinois with the word “wood” in the title.    Woodridge has a number of bike paths that allow citizens to safely ride around town, unfortunately, Quinn never used them.  When he was 6 his father bought him a Hummer Powerwheels – he rode it on the bike paths and would consistently kick over cyclists or throw sticks into their spokes.  Five people were injured, one fatally.  But because even at 12, Quinn was such a football prospect, they let it go.  When he was sixteen, his dad got him a real hummer for his Sweet Sixteen Party.  Quinn proceeded to park the car anywhere he wanted – the middle of football fields, on top of English teachers cars, and inside of a Sears.  But everyone let this behavior go unchecked because they thought he was going to sign with the University of Illinois and bring the program back to glory.  But one day he was watching TV and saw a commercial for a Hummer and it was driving in the desert.  He called up Coach Stoops – who initially was hesitant because he thought that Scott had said “WOODBRIDGE” and the UofA has a strict – No Toronto Gino policy.  But the two talked, Coach Stoops told him about the off road opportunities in Tucson, and he was sold.  Later that week he drove his hummer through a wall at his high school, and took out his Illini letter of intent, yelled ’sike!’ and signed with UofA.  Apparently because of some mixup, Illinois has to pay to replace the wall.

Greg Moore
#1 SS
Homewood, IL
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A-
Bench: 370
Squat: 520
Pot: poor
Dis: AVG
Five Stars
ILLNOIS WOOD
Greg Moore was named in honor of the Canadian driver who died in a racing accident.  As long as Greg could remember he has been obsessed with Canada.  Homewood, IL is rich suburb of Chicago that is 18% black, so the high schools have a “She’s All That”-type ethnicity mix.  Moore, black, was always obsessed with Canada and the small, but significant Black population in the country.  He idolized Soca music, Anson Carter, and had his wall plastered with pictures of American CFL Players – men who were living his dream.  He even attended Caribana twice, and managed not to get stabbed.  That only made him love Canada more.  He is going to study History at Arizona, and hopefully do a summer study session at either Brock or Trent.  Arizona’s AD has promised to keep up loaded up with Ketchup Chips, Coffee Crisps, and Mint Aero bars.

Colin Fox
#1 OLB
Humble, TX
6′1″ 223 lbs
40: 4.43
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 37.5
Hands: D
Bench: 380
Squat: 620
Pot: Avg.
Dis: POOR
5 Stars
Five Stars
Humble Texas (pronounced ‘umble) is an oil town that has spawned David Boston and Alberto Gonzalez.  Colin Fox considers them to be the opposite ends of the spectrum of people he looks up to – he likes David Boston because he makes money, plays football, and lifts weights.  He hates Alberto Gonzalez because he’s republican, but more so because he puts people in jail.  Colin Fox had a play group when he was growing up of 15 babies in his neighborhood.  When he was 12, 11 of them were in jail, including seven girls.  Colin Fox has been in front of the court a LOT but his football ability consistently gets him out of trouble.  He led Humble High to a State Title and drew a lot of recruiting interest.  Kansas State was interested and tried to tell him that he wouldn’t have to change uniforms (Humble jacked K-State for style), but Colin thought Purple was played out, and he only liked seeing it in his cup (as a sizzerp).

Darrell Ross
Willowbrook, CA
6′1″ 190lbs
#1 WR
40: 4.16 (yes that’s fast)
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 41.6″
Hands: A+
Bench: 240
Squat: 350
Pot: Avg
Dis: EXCELLENT
5 Stars
Five Stars
Willowbrook is right next to Compton and it is thugged out.  It’s home of the Martin Luther King Hospital which has had problems in accreditation and poor medical treatment.  One time Ross sprained his knee and his father, a former marine, drove him to Cedars Sinai for a medical exam.  He was fine.  Ross grew up in some pretty tough circumstances but his father’s military background and his mother’s devotion to the church kept in line.  He also watched the movie Antoine Fisher 150 times.  He plays to become either a lawyer or a doctor and is using football as an opportunity to get a good education without putting a burden on his parents.  He finished with a 4.0 GPA, tons of community service, and was All City in Basketball, Football, LaCross, Track and Cross Country.  He was offered a full ride to Stanford, Harvard, and Yale (although the last two were shady deals), but chose Arizona because he wanted to be closer to his parents, and hopes to get an internship with Mike B.

Anthony Johnson
#4 MLB
Norton, OH
6′2″ 237 lbs
40: 4.69
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 34.5″
Hands: A
Bench: 455
Squat: 640
WOW!
Five Stars
Norton, Ohio loves two things: football and apple cider. The town used to have an apple cider festival where they actually made apple cider in town, now they bring in the cider from outside sources.  It has also served as an eerie parallel with football.  The team used to create its own talent through children born and raised in Norton, but as the pressure got higher, Norton started recruiting other towns and kidnapping sixth graders who were talented at football.  Anthony Johnson was actually born Johnny Figarelli from Dublin, OH, a very middle class family when the Norton ‘gypsys’ came to his Pop Warner game and kidnapped him, changed his name, and put him with a foster family.  Football became his sole focus, so much so that when he met his birth parents at 17 he tackled both and got a facemask call against his mom for pulling her teeth while tackling her.

Steve Gilmore
#5 RB
Bridge City, TX
6′1″ 252 lbs
40: 4.29
Field Awr: B
Vert: 33.6″
Hands: C+
Bench: 410
Squat: 670
Four Stars

Like [[Keith Allen ]], Gilmore is from Orange County, Texas.  Although unlike Allen, he hates indie rock with all of his heart.  He loves hip hop, especially chopped and screwed.  He first learned about Arizona after going to a concert put on by Dane Wright and Jason Weaver to promote “back up it’s the blackup”.  It was hard, considering that Bridge City only has 0.2% African American.  Gilmore’s high school rap ground was made up of three white guys and a Chinese DJ.  Interestingly enough one of the white guys went to jail for selling drugs, and the Chinese DJ is now studying mechanical engineering at Rice.  But he’s doing it in a ‘thugged out’ way.  Gilmore hopes to study Engineering at Arizona – “that’s right, I hope to engineer some hoes into my bed.”

Scott Anderson
#1 FS
Chicago Heights, IL
6′0″ 201 lbs (JuCo)
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A
Vert: 42.5″
Hands: C
Bench: 365
Squat: 495
Five Stars

According to City Data – there are 53 Sex Offenders in Chicago Heights, giving the town a 592:1 non offender to offender ratio.  Scott Anderson knows this all too well, he was sexually assaulted by an 18 year old white girl named Brittannnii, she weighed 400 lbs at the time and used to be Johnson’s girlfriend.  According to Johnson  “when she was two bills, she was a dimepiece, or I guess, a two dollar piece.”  After the rape, he couldn’t get his head straight and had his scholarship to Notre Dame revoked, he then went to Community College for a few years.    He channels a lot of his rage into football, and hopes to be a counselor for men who are assaulted by white girls.

Mark Horton
#2 MLB
Pottstown, PA
6″1″ 234 Lbs
40: 4.54
Field AWR: A
Vert: 28.9
Hands: C+
Bench: 410
Squat: 670
Five Stars

Pottsville is home to the “Hill School” a fancy boarding school for rich kids that has an endowment of over $126,000,000.  Mark Horton was born to a poor alcoholic father, who pushed him to become heroic football player.  When he was in middle school he was given a shady scholarship to the Hill School – they offered to let him live at home, but he demanded that they let him board.  After a year of screaming while he slept, he started to adjust and dated a girl named Caroline Vandegraff, a rich girl from New York City.  She tried to turn him into an educated, mannered young man, but when he visited her family in New York he saw Lawrence Taylor, flipped the table over ran towards him and give him a big bear hug.  He then called her dad a “pussy” her parents were furious – Caroline loved him even more and has turned down a ‘scholarship’ to Columbia (aka her parents million dollar donation) to attend Arizona to be near Horton.

Shawn Jackson
#3 MLB
Detroit, MI
6′1″ 237 lbs
40: 4.43
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 33.3″
Hands: C
Bench: 425
Squat: 730
Five Stars
Shawn Jackson is from the D, the worst part.  He was raised in an house that was on fire for most of his childhood.  He just lived in the parts that weren’t on fire.  Both of his parents were jailed for selling drugs, then killed in jail.  Government worker came by to pick up Jackson but saw a burning house and thought it was empty.  But Jackson was determined, he used the fire in the house to keep himself warm and to cook the food he stole from garbage cans around town.  He enrolled in school and worked extra hard to make his way through school.  He had three jobs in middle school, made honor roll and was named all city in cross country.  By the time he reached high school he was working four jobs, earning straight A’s and was in Sports Illustrated’s Faces in the Crowd.  He was one of only three males to finish high school alive or not in jail.  He decided to come to Tucson for it’s low arson rate, warm weather, and football legacy.  He plans to study Political Science and hopefully become a Rhodes Scholar.

Julius Jenkins
#2 Tackle
Greenbelt, MD
6′4″ 297 lbs
40: 5.31
Field Awr: A+
Vert: 26.2″
Bench: 500 (WHAT?)
Squat: 690
Five Stars

Greenbelt was created during the New Deal as a public works project.  There is a lot of art Deco around the city that is pretty evenly split between white and black.  Jenkins went to Elenanor Roosevelt High School and was an absolute superstar.  He played soccer, basketball, and football.  Though soccer was his first love, he knew that football was his best chance at a scholarship.  He still kicks on the side, mostly ass.  He hopes to study some sort of government policy so he can bring about “New Deal: Da Return” that will either be a series of government policies, or a hip hop album.

Travis Sledge
#1 Center
6′5″ 295 lbs
Pacifica, CA
40: 5.12
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 28.6
Bench: 505
Squat: 775 (WHAT? WHAT?)
Four Stars
Pacifica is rich, with a beautiful pier, fishing, and surfing.  Travis Sledge is the illegitimate great grandson of former crooner Percy Sledge.  Travis’s grandfather was the illegimate son of Sledge when he boned a white hippie in the 1960s.  Sledge didn’t do very well in school, he spent all of his time lifting weights and surfing.  He once bench pressed a surfboard with a motor cycle on it.  He ran into Cedric Lacey at a surfing competition in Big Sur and he told him all about the Wildcats.  Travis struggled to leave the Ocean, but Lacey said “you gotta see what’s out there, learn to live without the water so that when you go back, you’ll appreciate it even more.  Plus, there are ladies like crazy out here and not stuck up northern California girls, we’re talking loose southern California and Phoenix girls.”  And Sledge was sold.

2 Walkons
Jason Ralph
Camp Verde, AZ
QB
52 OVR
Jason was playing in an intramural flag football league on campus when he was approached by Coach stoops to be the third string quarter.  Though the position will only be temporary, Ralph sees this as a great opportunity to raise his profile with sorority girls, and possibly pick up some leftovers from the real Wildcats.

Tremaine Berg
52 OVR
Oracle, AZ
Tremaine Berg was added a personal favor from Coach Stoops to an old friend.  Tremaine was named after Johnny Tremaine.

Fullback
Drew Alford
Nogales, AZ
62 OVR
Drew Alford was added to the team as part of an initiative by Mike B to create a spot on the team for white kids from Nogales, AZ.  It remains to be seen if it will be a success.

Arizona
#2 Recruiting Class
9 Five Star
3 Four Star