Arizona Recruiting Update

#1 Class in the nation 6 5* players, 15 4* players, 2 3* players.

Top 3: Walter Washington, TE, Dwayne Jones, WR, and Chad Smith (ATH)

Early commits:

1. Walter Washington, TE, JUCO, Edinburg, TX, 6’6″, 225lbs, #1 in the Nation.

With All-American William Perry returning to the team for his senior year and star in the making Shannon Bennett, Walter Washington will have to wait until next year to play. Edinburg is 88% Hispanic, so Washington learned to speak a little Spanish, which is a main reason why he chose Tucson. Good Flautas are good Flautas, and Mi Niditos was a big selling point.

2. Brett Watts, DT, Coolidge, AZ, #2, 6’3″ 295

No surprise here, Watts grew up loving he Wildcats, and wanted to stay close to his family. Also he has impregnated three girls at his high school, and has to stay close for legal reasons.

3. Justin Harmon, DE #3, Indio, CA, 6’1″, 250

Harmon grew up with the Coachella festival. His favorite bands are the Like, Amy Milan, Teagan and Sara, The Donnas, Sahara Hotnights and Slater-Kinney, he loves them so much. Almost as much as kicking football ass. He loves the desert and struggled with all the rain during his visit to Southern California.  He will be majoring in Womyn’s studies.

4. Drew Green, #1 DT, 6’0″, Avondale, LA

Drew Green, from tiny Avondale, LA, a strange parrish with a 12% Asian population. He’s a run stopper, straight chubs, he’s going to have to start eating burritos instead of Church’s chicken to keep his weight up. But he said “I like eating, don’t care what it is. I’ll eat.” Local Tucson restaurants Nico’s and Los Betos, have ramped production for the expected surge.

5. Keron Davis, #2 CB, Balch Springs, TX, 6’0″ 170

Keron Davis, an awesome name. Hails from the Dallas suburb, where he played at Samuell High School, for the Spartans. Other than some weird punters and old Lonhorns, he could be the best to ever come out of this high school.

6. Jeremy Doucette, TE, St. Joseph, MI, #3, 6’6″ 235 lbs

Doucette is redshirting this year. He has already been dubbed “Douche” by his teammates, and has spent considerable time with campus counselling. We are fearful that his choice of Major – Media Arts, may lead to some trouble.

7. Tyrone Ross, Lynwood, CA, #6 DE

Tyrone Ross is living on the bench this year, but looks to be a superstar in a few years. He comes from the streets of LA and was feature in David Lachappelle’s movie “RIZE” as one of the krumpers.

8. Greg Jones, Arden-Arcade, CA, #5 TE 6’5″ 220

Jones was basically born and raised in a mall. He was impressed by Park Place in Tucson, but fears he may have to make more trips to Phoenix for his shopping and food court necessities.

9. Bo Holden, #2 FB, San Marcos, TX

Did not make the team, joined gang in South Tucson.

10. Luis Larson, WR #16, Denton, TX

Truthfully, he will need a miracle to play a significant down at the UofA. He’s a WR, and that position is so well stocked it’s ridiculous. His only other choice was the University of North Texas, and unless he wanted to be the next Stone Cold, he wanted out. Thankfully, he made the team as the last WR.

11. Nick Spencer, RB, San Bruno, CA #4, 6’4″ 189 (RB?)

This Rich boy (avg. family income in SB is $63k), is half Pacific Islander, and the son of a computer programmer and reformed stripper from Oakland via the Philippines. He is a tall, skinny kid who has his heart set on playing RB, but might be shifted to WR depending on how he performs in practices.

12. Mark Jean, Coral Springs, FL, G #7, 6’3″, 280 ( prized recruit)

Offensive line gangsta. He listens to Rick Ross, and represents Florida to the fullest. The chance to play right away is what brought him to Arizona. Trick Daddy has recently purchased a jersey with his name and number. Did you know Coral Springs is the only place to have a McDonalds without a golden arches? Strict sign laws forbid. Jean was once arrested for punching a Puerto Rican at this restaurant when he said that Sisqo was only the 2nd best RnB singer of all time.

13. Dwayne Jones, WR, Hacienda Heights, CA
Hacienda Heights, the asian Suburb of LA, has been a big pipeline for Arizona. Dwayne Jones has said “I’ll miss them Asian bitches, but I am looking forward to having sex with Mexican girls and spoiled girls from Orange County. And playing football too, I guess.” Jones looks to be a big factor next year.

14. Eric Washington, ATH, Raymondville, TX

Converted to play OLB.

15. Chad Smith, Antioch, CA ATH, 6’3″ 205,

With blazing speed and size, he has been converted to QB. Also, since Selmon (starter) is white, his backup (Andrews) is white too. The heir apparent (Dane Wright) is black, so I wanted to have his backup be black too. They can all play Super Smash brothers together.

16. Jamaal Kilpatrick (what heritage is this?), 1 Star, #176 DE, I didn’t recruit him, but gave him a scholarship. Sympathy. UPDATE: He was cut after training camp, UofA has too many good players now, and no one under 74 (except Tyler Lyons at DE) can make the team.

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