Here are the recruits

Arizona had the #3 class in the nation, while Michigan pulled in #1.

1. Jacob Burton, #2 Punter
Fountain Hills, AZ
6’2″ 202lbs

Jacob comes from a place that is only 96% white, the poor kid struggled with his guilt about the one student in his class who was half Japanese. Growing up in a rich Phoenix suburb was tough for a punter, while his friends were at Dave Matthews Band Concerts, he was in a private box at the concert working out his leg. He always dreamed about going to USC, but the bloated public schools that are only in business to build fancy computer rooms and big sports facilities taught him nothing.  His SAT score was too low for USC.  Since he finished in the top 2% of his class, he got free tuition to the UofA and will walk on.

2. Andre Cummings, #5 Cornerback
Jupiter, FL
6”3″ 183 lbs

Coming from Jupiter, Florida, Spring Training Home of the Montreal Expos, Andre always dreamed of playing RF at Olympic Stadium. His rooms were plastered with pictures of Tim Wallach, Vladimir Guerrero, Javier Vasquez, and Jose Vidro. He loved Montreal, he tried making bagels in his kitchen, but his parents just didn’t understand. When the Expos moved to Washington, he was crushed. He went full on into football and earned himself a scholarship to what is becoming Cornerback U – Michael Turner, Josh Powell, and Antoine Cason are all superstars.

3. Deonne Heard, #3 Athlete
Franklin, TN
6’10” 324 lbs
Please REEXAMINE the size of Deonne Heard, he is SIX FOOT TEN, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR POUNDS. Growing up black in the home of Country Superstars Vince Gill, Amy Grant, Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood and Alan Jackson was not a problem, he loves three things: 1. Jesus, 2. Country Music, 3. Bustin heads. He will probably move to Tackle, although some want to see him at DE or TE. This guy is gonna be a superstar.

4. Maurice Hurst #4 Athlete
Mission, KS
6’2″ 178 lbs
Ain’t much going on in Mission besides football. Maurice Hurst was adopted by a Native American family and raised in a traditional native American household. He respects his Earth Mother and will be spending his off days working with the Native communities around Tucson. Partly in hopes of getting some of that sweet Desert Diamond money.

5. Ben Miles , #4 Tackle (JuCo)
South San Francisco, CA
6’2″ 319 lbs
A JuCo transfer from South San Francisco looks to make an impact on the Wildcats O-line, although he might be shifted to Defensive end before the season begins. He will only be here for two years, and probably won’t even start, so most people aren’t talking to him. He’s kind of weird and really likes Quake, Marilyn Manson, Gus Van Sant’s Elefant, and Insane Clown Posse.

6. Rob Rush, #3 Cornerback
Mansfield, TX
6’3″ 172
From the same town as Kelly Clarkson, Rob Rush played hockey most of his life, mainly because of his name. He was drafted at age 15 by the Peterborough Petes and played for three weeks before hightailing it back to Texas after he got a groupie from Surrey, BC Pregnant on a road trip. How the girl from Surrey made it to that Belleville Hotel, no one knows.  But there are rumors of Greyhound, and more likely she got there by hitching a ride with a guy not unlike the one who tried to molest Wheels on Degrassi.

7. PJ Osei, #3 Tackle
Cerritos, CA
6’9″ 275
PJ Osei is the biggest Japanese kid ever. He has a standing invitation to move to Japan and compete as a Sumo Wrestler, but he couldn’t pass on the opportunity to play at Arizona and beat USC. He hates the Trojans will all of his heart, and cannot wait to bust some heads, Sumo style. He also only dates white girls, and has been picketed by the AACA, though they have invited him to a number of freestyle dance contests and DDR battles.

8. John Lewis, #2 Middle Linebacker
Middletown, OH
6’2″ 228 lbs
Did someone say working class? John Lewis spent his summers working the AK Steel Mill, earning a living the hard way. He has lost and reattached four fingers, and seen three coworkers killed in accidents. He is tough, and there are some concerns that he will get into a lot of fights at Arizona.   He has already been banned from Maloneys, and he hasn’t even made it to campus.  The Hut is also considering a ban. This guy loves to fight, he loves to hit, he loves to drink, and he hates homosexuals. Which will make things interesting considering the arrival of…

9. James Robinson, #3 Guard
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA
6’7″ 303 G #3
Adopted by two successful gay men in West Hollywood, CA, Robinson was  immersed in Gay culture from an early age. Though not gay himself, he’s very well adjusted, open to new ideas, and fiercely passionate about the fight for Gay Rights, and the battle against homophobia. Considering his considerable size, he’s not afraid to fight those who would oppress his people. It will be one of the major story lines over the next few years to see how his relationship with Lewis is affected.

10. Patrick Rodridguez #1 Outside Linebacker
Lewisville TX
6’5″ 235
The #1 OLB in the country grew up a big time Cowboys fan, and a hater of airplanes (considering Lewisville is right near DFW Airport). He came to Arizona for the strong Latino presence and has made it his mission to raise the profile of Latinos in sports, and bring a little Reggaeton flavor to the Wildcats.

11. Travis Bailey, #8 Defensive End
Lone Grove, OK
DE 6’4″ 230 LB
Lone Grove. That pretty much says it all. Bailey is a RED NECK. He likes trucks, country, American flags, the troops, guns, and freedom. He has already been talking with Selmon about starting a prayer group.  He was going to go to Oklahoma, but thought it was too close to the word Homo and decided to go to Arizona instead.

12. Andrew Banks, #12 Wide Reciever
Heyburn, ID
6’1″ 172 lbs
After watching Greg Brock come in and fulfill the great 3rd down white possession reciever, Andrew Banks came to Arizona to take over as Brock moves up to the #2 position. He was a star at Minico, and represents Lou Dobbs to the fullest. He hates outsourcing, and is enrolling in Arizona’s Engineering program where he has promised to show the Indian grad students “that Americans do it best.”

13. Kevin Bonds, #24 Middle linebacker
Wickenburg, AZ
5’11” 234
Bonds and Arizona, is it who you think? Yep. This is Barry Bonds kid, the one that he had with the French Canadian stripper. He was going to go to Arizona State on a baseball scholarship, but decided he hated his dad and “didn’t want his life” (big ups

14. Mark McCray, #1 Free Safety
Oceanside, CA
6’3″ 224 FS
Mark McCray from Oceanside is the next in a long line of white pyscho safeties. Hoping to follow fellow So Cal White Safety Jacob Gray into the promised land of Arizona defensive secondary greatness.  He likes surfing, dirtbikes, Sublime, Jack Johnson, bonfires, and the movie

After doing this, I’ve realized that I do need to build a wiki.

Advertisements