Tucson, AZ – Though both have been fingered for paying local youth to egg the house of the Tucson Doctor who had Selmon suspended for the Nebraska loss, these two boosters have been identified as the most powerful men behind the scenes forces in Arizona Football.

Myles V.

A venture capitalist who made his fortune investing in weapons development, rap labels, and modelling agencies. Many suspect he was the start up capital behind Cash Money Records, No Limit Records, and TVT. Because of his involvement with the music and arms industry, he is consistently harrased by police, but he always comes up clean thanks to his “Old West Lawyer,” Mike B. Myles maintains homes in Vancouver, Toronto, Tucson, Los Angeles, and Bermuda (for tax purposes). He has been rumored to be in a relationship with a rather famous underaged Los Angeles socialite. Though he also maintains very strong ties with the University of Alabama, he is still a very strong booster of the Wildcat program. Although in the annual SVSW Battle, he sides completely with ‘Bama, and security is heightened around Arizona’s campus. He has also proclaimed his need for the SVSW Egg, which is kept in a high security area with lasers and dogs and bazookas. His favorite players are the white Wildcats. He offered the school money for a new locker room for the white players, but it was resoundly rejected by the Board of Regents.

Mike B.

One of Tucson’s most famous residents, a long time UofA booster, he has made his fortune through questionable lawsuits and even more questionable desert land and water deals. He is never without his loaded vintage Peacemaker, which some suspect is the reason behind some of his ‘favorable’ deals from City Hall. He has donated enough money for Arizona to build an indoor practice facility, named the Brasky Center for Football Arts. Most days, he can be found at practice most days, drinking whiskey and shooting rounds into the sky from the top of the press box. One day, he shot, killed and gutted a wild Javelina that wandered on to campus. He donated the meat to a homeless barbeque that he sponsored, then promptly arrested anyone who took the meat for public vagrancy. Though not a crime, he locked them up in his own private jail that he built downtown. Many bums cited the facilities cleanliness, televisions, and access to hot dogs as being a considerable improvement over the street.

Advertisements