Tempe, AZ – After spending years in Tucson as one of the most respected Doctors in town, Dr. Jagger was recently forced to move to Tempe. His crime? His name was forged by QB Josh Selmon on a fake note. The note was checked by a compliance officer, who called Dr. Jagger who confirmed that the note was indeed a fake. Selmon was suspended for the home opener against Nebraska, a game that the ‘Cats lost because of poor coaching and even poorer play from Dane Wright. We sat down with Dr. Jagger at an undisclosed location in Tempe.

Riverdale Palm Trees: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us.

Andrew Jagger: No Problem, it’s my pleasure to finally tell my side of the story.

RPT: So, why did you do it?

AY: Do what? Confirm the truth? That he forged my name. I’m a man of ethics.

RPT: But this was Josh Selmon, some are saying that you might have cost him his first round pick status.

AY: This is ridiculous, he forged MY name, I just confirmed that it was a forgery. He did something wrong not me.

RPT: What would have happened if you had just said it was your signature.

AY: Well, I could have lost my license to practice medicine.

RPT: In this state? With Arizona Football the way it is? Are you nuts?

AY: As well as my own integrity.

RPT: So, why did you move to Tempe? Are you a coward?

AY: Coward? Mike B. took out a hit on me! I had a cowboy following me around in an El Camino for two weeks. I almost got run off of Oracle Rd!

RPT: Why did you move to Tempe?

AY: It was the one place where I figured that I could get away from UofA people. Get some peace.

RPT: Are you being treated like a hero by Arizona State fans.

AY: Yes, a few people have expressed their happiness in my actions.

RPT: AH HA! The rumors are true, it’s part of an ASU conspiracy! I knew it!

AY: What? No, I just–

RPT: If this rumor is true, then surely the other ones must have validity.

AY: What other rumors?

RPT: That you killed three patients just to watch them die, you scour the humane society for animals on death row to have sex with them and then kill them yourself.

AY: None of those are true.

RPT: Sure…so how did you life change after you sold out the Wildcats?

AY: My house was toilet papered, egged, doused in gasoline, and my daughter was kidnapped within an hour of the story breaking.

RPT: Has your daughter been returned to you?

AY: Sometimes, it’s best to move on.

RPT: Was there at least a ransom?

AY: Rescind the note and I get my daughter back.

RPT: And?

AY: I couldn’t do it.

RPT: So what happened to her?

AY: I saw her on the sidelines of a game next to Myles V.

RPT: How old is she?

AY: 16

RPT: She’s gone forever now.

AY: Yeah, I thought that. She’ll get a better life with him.

RPT: Try a better four months.

AY: What?

RPT: So do you have any final words?

AY: Leave me alone. Stop sending me dead animals, boxed feces, and guns with a single bullet in the chamber.

RPT: Thanks so much for your time.