Josh Selmon, Arizona’s star QB has found himself suspended twice this year. Once leading to a crushing defeat against Nebraska, and most recently in a less consequential blowout of Cal. But many in Tucson and around the nation are starting to wonder, what’s wrong? This young man who has everything going for him and was on a sure fire path to the NFL, is suddenly looking like a gamble for NFL teams.

After his forged note emerged, and now he’s been missing class, some are starting to question whether or not these are cover ups for larger problems. Some said that the doctor’s note was a coverup for an addiction to Oxycotin, and this most recent suspension is not for missing class, but a coverup for a cocaine possession charge that mysteriously disappeared after the police officer realized who he had arrested.

We caught up with Josh at the Buffet…right when they open, at 6:30 a.m.

RPT: Josh, how are you?

Josh coughs, and lights a cigarette.

RPT: Things seem to have changed a bit since we last met.

JS: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

RPT: Well, the last time we met, you were running a Christian youth group. Are you still affiliated with the church?

JS: Listen, god is with me at all times, I don’t need to go to church to be with him. He’s here right now, he’s in my heart, so who cares where my heart is?

RPT: There are reports that you were at Ten’s (strip club) last sunday morning…

JS: God is everywhere.

RPT: So why after two years of being the perfect Arizona QB, have you started to get in trouble?

JS: Trouble? With who?

RPT: The law, the university, the team…

JS: The law? Who’s law?

RPT: What happened over the summer? There are rumors that you’ve been hanging out with Andrew Schlicher a lot.

JS: Yeah, Andrew’s my boy, so what?

RPT: When would you say you started hanging out with him?

JS: About May of last year.

RPT: Interesting.

JS: What? you think me hanging out with him is the problem?

RPT: Andrew has been linked with a number of Laguna Beach cast members who attend the UofA.

JS: So?

RPT: They are rather notorious for, uh, having fun.

JS: It’s called college.

RPT: There are also rumors you’ve been looking into converting to Judaism in anticipation of a career in show business?

Josh lunges at the reporter and started choking him yelling ‘where did you hear that? WHERE! TELL ME!” Locals had to pull him off our report. Before the police could arrive he was whisked away in a brand new Mercedez driven by a beautiful blonde coed, although the Mercedez logo was replaced with a custom Star of David.

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