(translated from Original Spanish) as appeared in Árboles de palma del valle del río (ADPDVDR)

Árboles De Palma De Riverdale: Hello and how are you?
Lawrence Garcia: I am well.
Patrick Rodriguez: I am doing very well.
Luis Larson: Good.
ADPDVDR: I want to say congratulations on your scholarships to the University, what are you studying?
LG: I am only a freshman, and as such, and I’m currently exploratory.  But I would like to go into either Communications, Psychology, or Media Arts.
PR: I am studying history and political science, and will be enrolling in law school after I finish my BA.
LL: ummm, yes.
ADPDVDR: Luis, do you even speak Spanish?
LL: A little
ADPDVDR: Your heritage! You ignore it!
LL: What?
ADPDVDR: You cannot even understand the language of your people, you are everything that is wrong with the world today, what will you do?
LL: What?
ADPDVDR: (in English) Are both your parents Hispanic?
LL: (in English) My dad is ¼ Mexican, and my mom is Irish/German.
ADPDVDR: (in English) Can you please leave? We have no need for you.
LG: Sell out
PR: I don’t like you, your mother is a whore.
LL: What?
LG: And your father is a criminal, racist, who has destroyed our culture.
LL: What?
Luis Leaves.
ADPDVDR: What are your goals at the University?
PR: I have several, graduating, winning a Rose Bowl, winning a national title.  At the school, I hope to increase latino enrollment here, it’s a disgrace that a city like Tucson with such a large Hispanic population is so underrepresented at the University.
LG: Well, I want to get really drunk on my 21st birthday at dirtbags, I hope the basketball team makes a final four, and I want to get into a good frat.
ADPDVDR: Interesting…
LG: Well, and I’m pretty sure I can use this Spanish stuff to get laid.
PR: Good luck with that…it’s not gonna work, you need French.
LG: What? Really?
PR: yeah, Latino girls don’t care because they speak Spanish, White girls think it’s gross.  You can’t win.
LG: That’s great, what if I do a study abroad in Spain?  Will they impressed there?
PR: Are you an idiot? They all speak Spanish there!
LG: But what if I make it sound kind of lame, like I’m struggling?
PR: yeah, that might work.
ADPDVDR: This is very true.  Now, who do you consider your biggest influence?
PR: Caesar Chavez
LG: 50 Cent, Dave Matthews, Barry Melrose, that guy from Sublime, Naomi Klein, Jonathan Franzen, and Sufjan Stevens.
PR: What?
LG: I’m complicated
PR: Or confused.
ADPDVDR: Where do you see the position of Latinos in the 21st century?
PR: I really don’t know where to begin that question, do you mean globally? In the United States? In Tucson? We are far too diverse a group of people to be able to totalize in such a manner.  You need to be more specific, we all have different cultures, heritages, and that needs to be respected.
LG: Picking fruit.
Patrick Rodriguez punched Lawrence at this point.  He had to be pulled off of him by the interviewer and a few nearby security guards.  As he was being pulled away he screamed “I CANNOT WAIT FOR PRACTICE! YOU ARE DEAD GARCIA! DEAD!”

Many were shocked that the normally reserved Rodriguez lost his cool so quickly and in such an aggressive manner.  After the interview he apologized to everyone and issued a formal statement:

“I regret my actions last week, but there is nothing that gets me fired up like a self-loathing American Latin who does not respect his heritage and his brothers.  I hope this brings attention to the issue and that we all can find support together.  After I break Lawrence’s leg in practice, we should be even.”