Tucson, AZ – Jason Weaver called a press conference outside his dorm room this afternoon and proclaimed that he had won the Heisman. His roommate, dressed in a suit, then emerged from the closet and handed Weaver a copy of WC’s Ghetto Heisman. Weaver had the follwing speech prepared

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to say what a great honor it is to win the ghetto heisman. I’ve been working so hard my whole life to win this award: listening to hip hop, thugging, being born black. It’s taken a lot of time and commitment to win it, and even being nominated is an honor.weaverheismancover2013.jpg

First, I would like to thank the slave holders for bringing black folks to America. Second, I would like to thank my ancestors for punking those slave owners and opening their own plantation where they had white slaves (editors note: this has not been confirmed), and invented basketball and then dunked on the white slaves all day long. I have lithographs of this, and my ancestor was doing a 360.

Second, I want to thank me, for being so damn good. Did you see the Washington State game? Did you? It was like a man playing against pop warner teams. I’m so good it hurts.

See you all in New York.”

The media were unimpressed with the conference and the Ghetto Heisman album, but they did enjoy the spanikopita and mini-quiches prepared by Weaver for the members of the media.

“Just cuz I’m ghetto don’t mean I’m a savage,” said Weaver. “hors d’eurves is part of life yo!”

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