January 2007


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Look at the Douche – still wearing Douchewraps – except these ones are red because it’s a different sports.

“You can use Douchewraps for anything.”

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Schedule
Week 1 at Alabama #25
Week 2 #21 San Diego State
Week 3 at #1 Ohio State
Week 4 BYE
Week 5 at Cal #22
Week 6 Washington State
Week 7 Bye
Week 8 at USC #9
Week 9 Stanford
Week 10 at Washington
Week 11 UCLA
Week 12 Oregon
Week 13 at Oregon State
Week 14 at Arizona State

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Some annotations:

The end of the 33 Game Winning Streak 

One loss to Arizona State 

Bowl Records 

Joe Fulton
#2 WR
San Dimas, CA
WHT
6’2″ 178 lbs
40: 4.33
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 42.5?
Hands: A+
Bench: 215
Squat: 350
Potential: AVG
Dis: Poor (does not believe in rules, authority, and any law that is not rooted in nature or buddhist culture)
Four Stars

Joe “Bong Bong” Fulton is a rock and roller. He comes from San Dimas, land of Bill and Ted and Raging Waters/Waterloo. Joe was heavily influenced by the Wyld Stallions and continues to rock in the most classic of styles.� He wears those poncho shirts from Point Break, plays acoustic guitar, and smokes enormous amounts of weed.� He has also read One (1) Jack Kerouac Novel “On the Road,・One half (1/2) of Siddhartha by Herman Heese, and a coffee table book on Buddhism.� He considers himself enlightened and references one of these three books in every conversation he has with girls. It has been successful, although some suggest that his success with the ladies might come from: 1) his Football abilities, 2) his Band “Sweetwater Residue” winning a San Dimas battle of the bands, 3) his work as an Abercrombie Model. He also credits his sweet hands from playing guitar and his speed from playing hackey ack. And yes San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Antonio Ingram
#1 SS
Columbus, OH
6’2″
210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.7″
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: Avg
Dis: Poor
Four Stars

Antonio Ingram grew up loving the Columbus Blue Jackets more than anything. His parents, an attorney father and designer mother (worked with the Limited Corporation) encouraged his hockey abilities, and he even went up to Canada a few times to play against MTHL and OHL All-Stars, he ran them all. Dana McKiel even ran a feature about him on Rogers Community Ten in Toronto. But when he was 15 and playing in a hockey tournament, his mother decided to move to Toronto permanently to live with her new life partner, a social worker named Karen. Then, some guys from Scarborough called him a sell out for playing hockey and challenged him to play basketball. He dunked on all of them, and called them out on being fake thugs. Then when he got back to Columbus he was filled with a lot of rage, and without hockey to help him with the agression, he took it out on the basketball court. He kicked guys
after dunks, threw the ball at opposing players nuts, and threw a crazy body check where he left his feet and sent a center flying into the stands. He then went after him and jerseyed him. That was it for basketball. So they switched him to football and he blossomed.

Reggie Hughes
#10 MLB
El Campo, TX
6’0″ 225 lbs
40: 4.6
Field AWR: A
Vert: 33.6″
Hands: C
Bench: 395
Squat: 670
Pot: Poor
Dis: Good
Four Stars

El Campo is poor – 20% of the population lives under the poverty line, and Reggie was no exception. Only 4% of the popuation has a graduate degree, and those three guys got their degree from the University of Phoenix on line. Somehow they got a Masters in High School Equivalency. Robbie was raised by his mother after his Dad bailed to play bass in a Kool n the Gang Tribute band that plays Indian casinos in the southwest. And since there aren’t Indian Casinos in Texas he had to choose between Kool and the Kids. He chose Kool, and Reggie has hated that band ever since.

After joining his high school football team, he was a pretty average middle linebacker. Then before one game, the cheerleaders started dancing to celebrate and he lost it, he had 15 tackles, 12 sacks, and 2 interceptions. He was a maniac because he pictured his father on the other team. He now plays Kool and the Gang Greatest hits before each game. He said he’s going to punch his dad in the face when he plays Desert Diamond or Casino Del Sol.

Michael Ginn
WHT
6’3″ 240 lbs
#3 DE
Taylor, TX
40: 4.65
Field AWR: C-
Vert: 28.6″
Bench: 360
Squat: 570
Pot: Poor
Dis: Poor
Four Stars

Michael Ginn was the MAN in high school. His parents were pretty laid back and gave him free reign over the house, so he had tons of parties, and boned literally a dozen women. He keeps a running score on his helmet by attaching a boob sticker on the back for every lady he boned. His high school coach didn’t approve, but then Ginn threatened to quit the team. So the coach had no choice but to let it slide. Soon some other players started doing it, but when the punter put 15 stickers on his helmet, everyone knew he was a virgin, and laughed at him until he quit. They later found out that he made a ton of money on the internet by selling stuff from World of Warcraft and hired a lot of hookers. He had to transfer to a school near more hookers. The Punter’s name was Michael Scott and he moved to Glendale, CA to be closer to the Porn Industry where he spent most of his money on single nights with the finest pornstars in the world. He is also coming to Arizona (see below), and has surpassed Ginn in terms of sexual experience and prowess. Michael is headed to Arizona. Stoops has already said that he does not approve of the boob stickers, so Taylor will keep his helmet in his dorm room and keep adding stickers. He’s also pretty good at football, but he is more focused on the ladies. Michael will be wearing Douchewraps at Arizona.

Jeremy McCutcheon
C
#1
6’3″ 274
Redondo Beach, CA
40: 5.12
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 27.7″
Bench: 480
Squat: 730
Five Stars (EA Blue Chip)

Jeremy is a punk rocker, plain and simple. He grew up with Black Flag (a local band) and only listens to punk music. He’s really into the music, and was actually thrown out of a high school football game for wearing an iPod underneath his helmet during the game so he could listen to punk while he played. He played the next game and was terrible, so he got an asian kid at his high school to build an mp3 player into the helmet. After that, he became a local legend, then the helmet picked up a cell phone conversation between his girlfriend and the quarterback and their relationship. He got furious and went nuts and became a blue chip recruit. He uses anger to play and it works. He and Robbie Mooney talk about how much they hate ‘bitches’.

Matt Fitzhugh
DE
#2
6’4″ 230 lbs
Lafyette, IN
40: 4.5 *WHAT?
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 36.9″
Bench: 390
Squat: 585
Five Stars
EA Blue Chip

Lil Freeney as he’s known in Lafayette is basically a Dwight Freeney clone. Except he’s bigger, stronger, and dumber. Matt, the son of an Irish farmer and a backup singer for Barry White. They met at an Indiana Casino and had a wonderful relationship that lasted all the way to the casino bathroom. After giving birth to Matt, his mother dropped him with his father, who started him playing football immediately. The farm work, plus the natural rhythm of his genes, lent him to the offensive line.

Xavier Henderson
FS
#1
Dumas, TX
6’0″ 197 lbs
40: 4.33
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A+
Bench: 310
Squat: 525
Five Stars (EA Blue Chip)

Dumas is only .059 Black, and Xavier was one of only four black kids at his high school. He is smart, with good hands, and a healthy hatred of all things Texas. When he was 11 his family drove into Amarillo for his birthday, Xavier got one look and said “the best view of this place is in the rear view mirror” then he opened his car door, spit on the ground and refused to go into the Applebee’s “I’d rather eat that spit.” The family then had to drive to Dallas for dinner at a Japanese Fusion restaurant. Xavier plans to use the football scholarship to study business and hopefully get into Investment Banking in either New York, San Francisco, London or ‘somewhere with a real gourmet scene.”

James Livingston
C #3
JUCO
Streamwood, IL
6’6″ 287 lbs
JR
40: 5.07
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 27.4″
Bench: 495
Squat: 630
Five Stars (EA Blue Chip)

James went to Elgin Community College in the rich suburb of Chicago known as Streamwood, sorry “village.” Only 3% of the population are poor, and James Livingston (technically, James Livingstone III) is most definitely not one of them. His family are insanely rich and have not worked since the 1960s, most of the money was made in meat processing and bootlegging liquor (the family was Italian, but changed the named to Livingston to appear more sophisticated, although they wanted Livingstone, they weren’t too good at spelling). James was raised with all the privilege in the world, but rather than east coast Ivy style, his parents gave him New Jersey Italian style privilege – meaning his crib had gucci sheets, his lunch box was made of solid gold, and his Power Wheels was a 14 foot long Cadillac. When he was in high school if one of the books he had to read was not a movie, his parents actually commissioned producers to turn it into movies (surprisingly, one venture – “Minority Report” went on to be a considerable financial success after James older brother had an English teacher who was into Sci Fi). In any case, James is smart on the field, but very dumb off of it.

Chad Horton
WR
JUCO, JR
Bradford, PA
6’1″ 183 lbs
40: 4.26
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 42.2″
Hands:A+
Bench: 245
Squat: 360
Four Stars

Bradford is home to the Zippo factory which makes lighters and collectable knives. And Chad’s father is a lifelong worker at the Zippo factory and is a floor manager, and would always bring home collectible knives for his son on his birthday. Chad is quite the sword collector and now owns numerous katana’s, Lord of the Rings limited edition swords, hunting knives, Rambo style knives, and those curvy middle eastern blades. He’s a strange guy, at Junior College he studied metallurgy and plans to make his own swords when he graduates. He’s good at football and has been cited six seperate times for trying to bring knives onto the field during a game, claiming ‘it’s my religion, I’m a stabby catholic.’

Joe Elliot
T
#1
Brownsville, TX
6’2″ 315 lbs
40: 4.97
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 26.2″
Bench: 440
Squat: 670
Five Stars
EA Blue Chip

Brownsville is only 91% Hispanic, and only 45% of those under 18 are under the poverty line. So needless to say Joe Elliot’s poor white trash family felt like they were the racist kings of the town. Though Joe never bought into his parent’s racist tendencies, he never really spoke out against them either – he was too busy playing football. That’s all he can do, he can’t read, he can’t write, he can barely speak, but he can block. And if the NFL didn’t have the rule against under classmen, he would be a first round pick tomorrow. He was able to get into Arizona under a “special needs” exemption, and will have his own special major crafted for him and his needs. Officially it is to be called “a mix of the arts, literature, and mathematics,” but the truth is that he will be studying finger painting, counting, and the alphabet.

Mike Harris
Calumet City, IL
6’1″ 248 lbs
ATH
JUCO, JR
#2
40: 4.33
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 33.9″
Hands: C+
Bench: 425
Squat: 670
Four Stars

Mike Harris born in Ontario, Canada but moved to Calumet City when he was very young when his Jamaican mother married a guy who said he played for the Chicago Cubs. What he meant was that he liked the Chicago Cubs and that he was on welfare and sold drugs. Mike was named after the Ontario Premier who was in power during his birth. His mother is a staunch conservative with a passion for Ontario history, Mike does not share that passion. He like thugging, and would often ride his bicycle to Gary Indiana to try and experience a more thugged out experience. He also appeared on “Hood 2 Hood: The Blockumentary,” and talked about how hard it was to keep it real. He also likes Buju Banton.

Andy Jackson
Peterborough, ON
WR
6’0″ 170 lbs
#2
40: 4.16 (WHAT?)
Field AWR: B+
Vert: 41.9″
Hands: A+
Bench: 265
Squat: 325
Four Stars

The Canadian revolution continues as Coach Stoops found the only black family in Peterborough and brought their son to Arizona for a recruiting visit in February. When Andy stepped of the plane, he said “ok, I’m going here.” Though he had visits at Arizona State, USC, UCLA, and San Diego State, he cancelled them after Stoops told him that the snow might cause his flights to be late. He was the fastest high schooler in Peterborough history and plans to return one day after his career with the Argos is over. He hopes to study education and become a phys. ed teacher.

Ryan Parrish
#5 WR
Siloam Springs, AR
6’5″ 215 lbs
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 43.1″
Hands: A+
Bench: 275
Squat: 390
Four Stars

Ryan had a pretty normal childhood – his mother worked at Wal*Mart, his dad was a long haul trucker. He went out drinking on Fridays and Saturdays, most of his friends got girls pregnant in high school. It was very “Varsity Blues,” and Parrish was the one who focused on getting out. Just to make sure he could escape, he worked extra hard at football and school. He had full academic scholarship offers to Howard and Rutgers, and an internship with Rutger Howard. But in terms of football, he only had offers from Arizona, Arkansas and Arkansas State. He chose Arizona because they were big time, and Coach Stoops really has faith that Parrish could be the next superstar Wideout at Arizona.

Nick Robinson
DE
#5
Brownsburg, IN
6’6″ 275 lbs
40: 4.78
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 36″
Bench: 440
Squat: 630
Four Stars

The other half of “Dem Indiana Boys (with Fitzhugh)” – Robinson is a another strong, fast, Indiana Defensive Lineman. Brownsburg is an Indianapolis Suburb and is only 97% white, so Robinson felt a little out of place. Though his parents were executives with Eli Lily, Robinson told everyone that he was sent to Brownsburg from Gary after he killed a cop, and was laying low. Most of those who were in his class wondered why a 14 year old would kill a cop, but any time they asked a question, the rather large Robinson would say “do you want to do some more research” then point to his fist “the main library opens in two minutes,” then point to his other fist and say “the archives open shortly after.” He also taped all the sex he had on his recruiting visits then sold it on the internet under a website called “AwesomeRecruitingHoes.com” – he then sold the whole thing to Golden Palace for a million dollars before the NCAA got word.

Michael Scott
5’11” 175 lbs
#19 P
WHT
Glendale, CA
40: 5.35
Field AWR: A-
Kick Power:B
Kick Accuracy: A
Bench: 235
Squat: 280
Two Stars

Michael Scott was teammates with Michael Ginn and after he saw the boob stickers, he slathered his helmet in stickers and his life in lies about boning girls at camp, cheerleaders at other schools, and a girl he met in Michigan. No one believed it, so he went back to World of Warcraft and made a ton of money, and started getting hookers. He turned out the Texas population pretty quickly and decided that he needed more experience, famous, and advanced prostitutes. So he moved to Glendale and made regular trips to Chatsworth to bone pornstars, he even appeared in a Shane’s World movie. After coming to Arizona he has stated that he will maintain a residence in Nogales, AZ, for, uh, “tax purposes.”

Kicker – Walk On
Mike Cooper
Sun Lakes, AZ
5’11”
183 lbs

Mike Cooper is a walkon without a lot of talent. Much like how the CFL has mostly Canadian kickers, Coach Stoops has decided to stop wasting scholarships on kickers to see what a paying student can do. Cooper was just a regular middle class kid who likes backwards baseball caps, smoking weed, listening to hip hop, and playing Halo 2. He is lame. Stoops has instructed the team to never speak to him.

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 New York, New York – The NFL Draft featured a number of Wildcats getting selected.  Although some much later than expected.  Nick Spencer was projected as a top five pick, but after some tumultous off field actions in New York – most notably getting into a fight with Mitch “Blood” Green outside of a Brooklyn After Hours bar.

jonesnfl.jpgDwayne Jones
1/17 – NE Patriots
84 OVR – 5 Years/42.1M

Dwayne Jones: “I could not be happier to be playing in New England with my boy Darryl [Steltz] and Tom Brady.  I can’t believe that a great attitude and sick combine can get you this far!”

douchenfl.jpgThe Douche!
1/21 – Minnesota Vikings
Douche – 5 Yeras, – 85 OVR – $25.3M 5 Years!

Jeremy Doucette: “The god damn NFL says I can’t wear Douchewraps indoors, or in warm weather games.  Only cold.  I want to tear this fucking dome down with my bare hands.  On the plus side, the $25m has let me distribute Douchewraps independently, and I’ve got a few Wildcats lined up for next year.  Oh yeah, I’m fine from the Rose Bowl beating.”

Jason Weaver
2/44 – New Orleans – 4 WRs taken ahead of him
82 – OVR – $18.1M Contract, 3 yeras

Jason Weaver: “FOUR RECIEVERS TAKEN AHEAD OF ME?  THE SECOND ROUND? THE SECOND ROUND?  They will pay, they will pay.  This is some old bullshit.”

Nick Spencer
2/45 – Houston Texans
86 OVR – $20.4M/3 Yrs
Nick Spencer: “What do I need this money for?

Drew Green
3/66 – Philadelphia Eagles

Michael Rushing
3/79 – Tennessee Titans

Andre Cummings
3/91 – Atlanta Falcons

James Robinson
6/172 – New Orleans Saints

Jacob Burton
6/175 Tennessee Titans

Travis Bailey
6/184 – Carolina Panthers

chadnfleagles2013.jpgChad Smith – Undrafted – Signed by Eagles as a FA – 75 OVR

Free Agent – Signed by the Eagles
2 million/2 Years

John Lewis showed up, covered in soot.  He went undrafted, again.

wildcats-at-senior-bowl.jpgHawaii – The East-West Bowl this year featured a ton of Arizona Wildcats, including the Surprise of the hour when Chad Smith was named Starter. (click the image below for a full size collage of Wildcats in the game).

Wildcats at the Game:

1. The Douche!
2. Chad Smith
3. Jason Weaver
4. Dwayne Jones
5. Nick Spencer
6. Michael Rushing
7. Jacob Burton! WHAT?

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