Arizona’s FIRST officially recruited Canadian
J.R. Haynes, TE
6’4” 245
Regina, Saskatchewan
#1 TE
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 39.2″
Hands: A+
Bench: 370
Squat: 520
Stars: 5 Stars

J.R. Haynes was an amazing defensemen and was drafted at 15 to play in the OHL, but refused to leave his family behind. By the time he was 16 and he had finished boning all the ladies at his high school (including 2 teachers) he realized he had made a mistake. He started playing football after watching the Arizona-Oklahoma Rose Bowl and saw Jeremey Doucette. He realized, “I’m better than this asshole,” and started playing. He was an absolute superstar. He never wanted to play anywhere else but Arizona and was the first recruit signed in the 2014 class. He has no plans to return to Regina in the offseason, and plans to live at Coronado (Scoranado, Eight Floors of Whores) and bone at least 15 girls during football season, hopefully 2 at once. If he can’t make the NFL he plans to play for the Calgary Stampeders. He also promised to play for the Arizona Ice Cats on the condition that he doesn’t have to practice. On his visit to Arizona, he played the entire team (just him against the full squad) and beat them 14-2.

Richard Campbell
6’5″
280 lbs
Addison, TX
G
40: 5.07
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 30.3″
Bench: 490
Squat: 730
Stars: 5
SO STRONG

Richard went to this high school which shares a lot of traditions with UT-Austin. He really hated the idea of the high school just being a bootleg version of Texas, and ended up hating both Texas and his High School. He was viewed as a legend because of his strength and size, but he did not want a social life. He spent a lot of time with his church and considered working out to be the best way for him to communicate with god. He hopes to play football to raise spiritual awareness among fans, and then eventually return to Texas as a preacher. He also hates Texas and has been bugging Arizona to schedule them, run up the score, and ruin the program.

Johnny Marshall
6’7″
275 lbs
Columbine, CO
G
40: 5.14
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 29.7″
Bench: 470
Squat: 705
Stars: 5
So Strong

That’s right, Columbine. Johnny Marshall was just a kid during the shootings, but the fall out has affected him his whole life. He was very sympathetic to the nerds and Goths at the school and used his gigantic size and status to stop bullying and bring about unity through parties. A couple of times he saw some A&F clad guys giving a tough time to a chubby Goth dude, and he grabbed both of the threw them up against the locker, called them “pussies” pulled their pants down, and declared that the fat goth kid was a true hero. Later that day, the Goth kid got a hand job from a junior cheerleader. He still considers it the greatest day of his life, and emails Johnny all the time. Johnny hopes to bring about understanding and unity through parties and drinking.

Brent Robinson
6’4″
205 lbs
Willingboro, NJ
QB (Elite 11)
40: 4.82
Field AWR: B+
Arm Str: A+
Pass Acc:A+
Bench: 315
Squat: 360
Stars: 5

Brent Robinson was born to play quarterback. Raised in the affluent (and predominantly African American) Willingboro, Robinson was teased for being poor (his father was a janitor at the high school, his mother was a nurse) by the rich black kids. Day after day he endured fellow students offering to hire him as a white slave, to which he turned down. Then in his sophomore year, he was finally given the chance to try out for the football team and absolutely dominated the tryout. After that, he started to get respect, clocked the finest African American ladies, and even got the school into Indie Rock. The Decemberists actually played a gig at a party and it was the first time they ever played to more than 2 black people. Robinson is your prototype superstar and many say is the best NJ high school QB since Chris Simms, who Robinson has publicly called “a bitch.” Willingboro is also the hometown of Gorilla Monsoon (RIP), and the Gorilla Scholarship annually awarded to the student with the most potential and energy. Robinson was a finalist.

Paul Williams
6’1″
194 lbs
WR
Juco
Brea, CA
THUG
40: 4.41
Field AwR: B+
Vert: 42.5″
Hands: A+
Bench: 270
Squat: 470
Stars: 5

Paul Williams is actually from Compton, CA, where he was a gang leader from ages 9-15. His mother got fed up with his ways, and after getting arrested for selling crack to elementary school kids, she sent him to live with his uncle in Brea in Orange County to try and clean him up. He started playing football as part of his legal settlement, and tore it up. But the girls at the high school could not get enough of his thug stories so he kept committing crimes, getting bad grades, and living the thug lifestyle to pick up girls. When it came time to go to college, no one would touch him. So he went to a junior college, and noticed that everyone was a thug, and his act was not getting him any girls. So he hit the books and his natural intelligence came through, and on a recruiting visit to Arizona he saw some of the girls he boned in high school and knew he had to transfer.

Peter Brink
6’4″
241 lbs
Oklahoma City, OK
OLB
40: 4.63
Field AWR: A
Vert 33.6″
Hands: C
Bench: 400
Squat: 655
Stars: 4
With his cornrows, everybody is scared of Peter Brink. He looks like a thug, hits like a champion, and is fiercely person and quiet. Everyone is convinced that he spent time in Juvy considering his demeanor and his childhood in some of the roughest hoods in the OKC. But Brink is actually an accomplished artist with gallery shows in Oklahoma City, Kansas, and Winnpeg where Marcel Dzama has called him “the best young talent to come along in years.” With a creative outlet and an aggression outlet, he is the farthest thing from a thug. But he likes to mess with perceptions, and that people leave him alone. Plus the Art School hoes eat it up.

Cedric Lacey
Ventura, CA
T
6’6″
312 LBS
40: 5.07
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 28.6″
Bench: 530
Squat: 765
Holy CRAP!
Stars: 4
Cedric was always a strong kid. He set the Ventura High bench press record – when he was in middle school. By the time he got to high school he was an absolute legend, no one ever challenged his authority. He is a big time surfer, but has gone through literally 150 boards, because he just snaps them in half when something goes wrong. His broken boards are something of a legend in the surfing community and sell on ebay for hundreds. He has appeared in tons of pro surfer magazines and is sponsored as the “Black Nightmare” and hasn’t paid for a board in years. He has said he’s going to miss the Ocean in Arizona, but he’s looking forward to working out, and destroying Pac Ten defenders.

Bryan Slaughter
Jacksonville, TX
G
6’1″
272 lbs
40: 5.22
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 29.7″
Bench: 490
Squat: 705
Stars: 4

Jacksonville, Texas is the Tomato Capital of America and some WPA workers built a big tomato statue during the great depression. Slaughter hates tomatoes. Also Jacksonville, with a per capita income of under $15k, has Texas’s only two private Junior Colleges catering to the rich and the very stupid. It’s a nice mix, Slaughter also hates rich people. With a farm worker father and a social worker mother, Slaughter is a straight up social justice activist. He plans to study Political Science and then Law School where he hopes to set up a corporation to help farm workers unionize and buy the land they work on.

Neal Hill
G
6’4″
277 LBS
Belton, TX
40: 5.20
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 30.3″
Bench: 460
Squat: 730
Stars: 5

A star at Guard. An absolute legend in Belton. With 14,000 people in Belton, it’s one of those towns with a big high school football tradition (they also have an Arena League Team). Hill was already able to do whatever he wanted in town when he tore up Pop Warner. He was given a car at 10 by a local dealership and the cops agreed to look the other way as long as he played football. His favorite movie is Varsity Blues and he is functionally illiterate, even though a local ghostwriter helped him write an autobiography “An Insurmountable Hill: My Story,” which was a best seller and is now part of the curriculum in the school district. He plans to study Media Arts.

Jeff Garrett
T
6’4″
316 Lbs
Cedar Hill, TX
40: 5.16
Field AWR: A
Vert: 28.6″
Bench: 495
Squat: 720
Stars: 4

Though he is from Cedar Hill, he actually went here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncanville_High_School to play his high school ball. It was a bit shady but they chalked it up to “busing” although he was the only student bused to school in a limousine, even though Garrett hated the limo “I wanted a Hummer.” He was a pretty decent student in High School and showed a natural propensity for Physics, which he claims he has used to help him better understand blocking abilities. His favorite wrestler is Jeff Jarrett and got a bit of a reputation for breaking guitars in the locker room before games. He also calls everyone “Tennessee Lee”

Aaron Thompson
TE
6’5″
244 lbs
National Rank: #3
North Ridgeville, OH
40: 4.67
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 39.8″
Hands: A+
Bench: 365
Squat: 520
Stars: 4

North Ridgeville is a beautiful little town near Cleveland, OH, and Thompson hopes to be the next great Ohio Superstar to make it big in the desert. He’s fast, strong, and has great hands. He was a superstar on his high school basketball team and even got a scholarship offer to John Carroll, and strongly considered it. Becaues Carroll’s best player ever went there on a basketball scholarship, switched to football, broke a hero’s facemask, and then went to the NFL, his name: London Fletcher. The man who had his facemask busted up: Cousin of SBD. Thompson actually traveled to Cleveland where Ken (SBD Cousin) put on a helmet and let Thompson break the facemask, it was just plastic and afterwards Ken said “he didn’t hit that hard, he’d never make it at Carroll, or in the juvenile detention facility, those kids would eat him alive.”

Robbie Mooney
Westerville, OH
6′3″
252 lbs
#1 DE
40: 4.65 (WHAT?)
Field AWR: B
Vert: 35.1″
Bench: 380
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Disc: Good
——

Robbie was one of three Ohio recruits that Arizona tried to woo to the desert sunshine. While two other players signed with Ohio State, Robbie decided he wanted something different. Growing up in Westerville, (92.9% white) he always felt a little out of place. Specifically because everyone expected him to be a thug, but his parents were both executives with Nationwide Insurance, and he played hockey most of his life. Anson Carter is his favorite player. He was also a local legend for being the biggest kid to ever win the 100 yard dash in Columbus. He runs a 4.6 40 and weights 253 lbs, to give you an idea, Jerry Rice ran a 4.6 forty, Randy Moss ran a 4.4. Robbie came to Arizona to get away from his ex-girlfriend in Ohio who broke his heart. She said that they were going to different colleges (She was going to Wellesley) and should part ways, but less than a week later he found out that she was going to Ohio State to be close to her new boyfriend: former Buckeye star and Westerville resident Andy Katzenmoyer. Robbie was heartbroken, and hates everything about Ohio State, so he signed a letter of intent with the Buckeyes but when they looked at the signature it actually read “go fuck yourself” and he pulled out a letter from Arizona and signed it. Robbie then wrote some dope poetry about ladies, and headed to the desert where he plans to study fine arts and take out all the aggression towards his girlfriend on opponents.

Stephen Wynn
Mandeville, LA
SS
National Pos Rank #1
6′3″
210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
Vert. 40.7
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: AVG
Disc:AVG

Though he went to high school in Mandeville, Stephen Wynn was raised thugged out in New Orleans. Son of famed Cash Money rapper BG (though not proven), his mother was shot as soon as she gave birth to Stephen. He was then raised by a local drug dealer who had won Stephen in the craps game that was taking place during the delivery. Stephen grew up thugged out, he was selling drugs in the sixth grade, went to juvy a bunch of times, before his legal guardian found jesus and sent the child to Mandeville (across the lake from New Orleans) to live with his aunt. He struggled to adjust and just wouldn’t stop thugging, getting into fights, and dropping hot mixtapes. So his adopted aunt made him a deal, if he played football he could breed pitbulls. Stephen eventually raised 8 pitpulls, 4 for dog shows, 4 for fighting. The combination of football and minimal dog care turned him around. He gave up the thug life and has not been in any trouble for years, and even councils at risk youth in New Orleans. He scares them straight by having his dog bite them on the leg and then say ‘this is called a good day in jail.’ He plans on bringing the fighting ones to Arizona.

William Greer
#4 Ranked TE
6′6″
248 lbs
Warrensburg, MO
40: 4.69
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 36.3″
Hands: A+!
Bench: 340
Squat: 470
Pot: Poor
Dis: AVG

Warrensburg is a pretty diverse place, only 86% white, but the town is defined by the Whiteman Air Force Base, and a Northrop-Grumman facility. The other big employer is Central Missouri University, and William Greer has roots in both. His mother is a former Air Force Pilot and current executive with Northrop-Grumman. She is 6’3” and weights 200 lbs, she makes $250,000 per year, which in Warrensburg is millionaire money. His father is an adjunct professor of math at the University. He is 5’2” 110 lbs, and makes $4000 per year. William has grown up with a strong respect for the military and women, and a healthy disdain for small people and math. Heavily recruited by Air Force, Army, and Navy, he decided that the presence of math on the campuses was too strong. So he went to Arizona where he plans to major in Engineering and Women’s Studies, and then join the army to be with his mom.

Alphonso Alston
OLB
El Cajon, CA
#1 OLB
6′1″
217 lbs
40: 4.46
Field AWR: B
Vert: 37.5″
Hands: C+
Bench: 370
Squat: 620
Potentilal: AVG
Discipline: Good
4 Stars
—–
El Cajon is home to Taylor Guitars, producers of high quality acoustic guitars, and Alston’s father is a 30 year employee of the company and an accomplished singer songwriter in the El Cajon area and once played a gig in a coffee shop in San Diego, but had lukewarm espresso poured on him during the set because of the controversial nature of his songs. Most of them are about how Vietnam did not happen and is not even a real country. Some very upset former marines and vietnamese immigrants got pretty upset and doused the father with their coffees while he screamed “aaah, chinese liars! you’re all chinese liars!” He has not played a gig since. A very strange man, he named his son after Alfonso Ribiero, and his wife complied as they divorced shortly afterwards. She moved to Utah. Alfonso has a lot of rage, and some fairly decent guitar chops.

Kyle Jones
Landen, OH
National Rank #1
DT
6′4, 298 lbs
40: 4.95 (He’s almost 300 lbs!)
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 29.7
Bench: 455 (holy crap)
Squat: 620
Pot: Poor
Dis: Avg
4 Stars
——-
Kyle is an athlete, plain and simple. He was going to be a running back after he finished middle school, and attracted a lot of attention from recruiting magazines, but he just kept growing and growing (he is addicted to Skyline Chili – 7 ways) but he didn’t get slower. His parents, both lawyers in Cincinnatti, paid to send him to all the fanciest and most expensive sports camps. They even hired former Ohio State star Dan Wilkinson to move in and live with Kyle for his senior season telling him what to do (Kyle was instructed to do the opposite). After Wilkinson impregnated Jones’s girlfriend, Kyle decided he want out of Ohio, and quickly renegged on his soft verbal to Ohio State and agreed to come to Arizona. He played every sport in high school and even did a little bit of acting in school plays. He currently holds the Ohio record for shot put and the high school bench press record.

Joey Faaeteete (Shawn’s Cousin)
Osceola, Arkansas
SS
#2 Ranked
6′0″ 210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
Vertical: 40.7″
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: AVG
Dis:AVG
4 Stars
——-
The cousin of former Arizona standout Shawn Faaeteete, he grew up in Osceola after his father had a falling out with his brother in California. He moved back to the family farm in Osceola and started living off the land as a farmer. With an average annual income of $12,000, Osceola is poor, and people get jacked all the time (but not murdered) but Joey stayed clean and watched his cousin shine at Arizona and eventually the NFL. He focused on his studies and playing football. His parents were firm, but fair, and Joey is a very good kid. He’s not sure if he wants to play football for a living but he does want to study agriculture at Arizona and eventually raise the stature of his family farm. When he came to Tucson for his visit, the student picking him up at the airport got lost and drove through Tucson, Joey could not believe the opulence. Then he got to campus and almost fainted.

Clarence Howard
QB
6’3″ 190 Lbs
Midvale, UT
#34
40: 4.71
Field AWR: A+
Arm Str: A-
Pass Acc: A-
Bench: 225
Squat: 365
Stars: 3

Clarence Howard is a Mormon from Utah who grew up idolizing Josh Selmon, and hating Josh Zelman. He was very upset to see a Christian QB become a Jewish QB and made it his mission to go to Arizona to try and convert the team to Mormonism. He studies exceptionally hard, is married (he’s 18), and will study business at Arizona while his wife works for the church in Tucson. He might get cut. To which he has said “that’s ok, it’s all part of Steve Young’s plan for me, oh, and Jesus too, I guess.”

Top Classes
1. Arizona
6 – 5 Stars, 14 – 4 Stars, 4 – Three Stars
Neal Hill (G)
Johnny Marshall (G)
Paul Williams (WR)

2. Ohio State
3. USC
4. Wisconsin
5. Texas
6. Virginia Tech
7. Alabama
8. Colorado
9. Cal
10. Arkansas

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