February 2007


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Tucson, AZ – The Arizona Wildcats are #1 going into the 2016 season.  The reigning national champions have been a preseason #1 before and has always failed to keep that ranking at the end of the season.

Redwood Haynes is the #1 Heisman Contender, and SOMEHOW, Casey Cook is #5!  USC looks really solid – and Arizona is taking their shot at Colorado – a team many said they should have played for the National Championship Last year.

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2016 Schedule (Available on the Wiki)

1     at SMU
2     Alabama (SVSW)
3     at #4 Colorado
4     BYE     N/A
5     #3 USC
6     Washington
7     at UCLA
8     at Stanford
9     Oregon State
10     BYE     N/A
11     at Washington State
12     Cal
13     at Oregon
14     #23 Arizona State

Chris Whitworth
#1 SS
Findlay, OH
6′2″ 210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
VerT: 40.7″
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: Avg
Discipline: Good

Whitworth is from the same town as Ben Rothliesberger and former Ohio State kicker Josh Huston. His dad worked at the Cooper Tire Factory and always came home smelling like rubber, he also pressured Whitworth into playing baseball. When Whitworth showed interest in football, his dad got pretty mean. So Whitworth started to hate the smell of rubber, and all products that were similar to rubber. As a result he got three girls pregnant in his sophmore year, but he’s pretty good at talking and convinced all three of them to ‘take care of the situation’ without telling their parents. He plans to go to law school after finishing at Arizona.

John Austrum
#2 CB
Greenville, OH
5′11″ 172 lbs
40: 4.24
Field AWR: A
Vert: 38.1″
Hands: B
Bench: 215
Squat: 445
Pot: Poor
Dis: Poor

Greenville, Ohio is not a big or successful town. Their wikipedia entry mentions that they have a “loose meat Hamburger Restaurant.” That restaurant is owned by Austrum’s parents, and unfortunately his schoolmates all called him “loose meat” because of the restaurant and the time he came to school with really short shorts and his balls hung out of the bottom. He was taunted mercilessly and developed quite a mean streak, and a passion for vegan food. He is very strict as a vegan and will not eat food that even looks like an animal. He considers Vegan Gummi Bears to be meat.

Cody Stewart
McKinney, TX
#3 CB
5′11″ 175 lbs
40: 4.24
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A-
Bench: 215
Squat: 315
Pot: Avg
Dis: Poor

Cody’s mom plays for the Dallas Revolution, a semi-pro women’s team. She was an incredible defense tackle and won MVP of the league three times, and caused six separate women to be infertile because of her hits. She got pregnant with Cody after she raped an underage hot dog vendor at the game. She never told that 15 year old that he was a father, she told Cody that he was born when a football arrived at her doorstep, she opened it up and out came Cody. He believed that story to be true until he was 17 when he watched the movie Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jim Hall
#3 DT
Forestville, OH
6′2″ 287
40: 4.88 (DT!)
Field AWR: B
Vert: 27.4″
Bench: 460
Squat: 605
Pot: Poor
Dis: Avg

Forestville is a rich white suburb of Cincinatti. Jim Hall’s parents were both lawyers in the city and didn’t spend much time with Jim as kid, so he got really into skateboarding. He is still the only black person in forestville history with a skateboarding citation. He started playing football when the judge ordered it after his fifth skateboarding citation. He set a sack record at his high school, and had a sweet dance where he would pretend to do a kickflip over the felled quarterback. He looks forward to coming to Tucson where he can skate year round.

Lorenzo McGee
Santa Clarita, CA
#2 DE
6′4″ 250 lbs
40: 4.65
Field AwR: C+
Vert: 36.3″
Bench: 380
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Dis: Good

Santa Clarita is rich, and they film a ton of stuff there when they need a high school setting. McGee did a lot of acting work as an extra, a thug, a criminal, and an aspiring rapper (with only 2% of the population being black, they don’t have too many options for these roles). McGee’s father is a police officer, and Santa Clarita was rated as the 6th safest city in the United States, mostly thanks to the work of McGee’s father (Irish roots). McGee had offers to USC and UCLA but after dealing with directors from both schools, he thought they were full of jerks, so he came to Arizona where he hopes to study Criminal Justice and star in a few productions. He gets pretty angry against the California schools and cannot wait to play them.

James Wilson
#1 Guard
6’5″ 288
Apple Valley, CA
40: 5.12
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 30.3″
Bench: 455
Squat 690!
5 Stars

James Wilson was raised by this man – his uncle after his parents decided to move to Mexico to be closer to meth. He had a pretty average up bringing – working on perms, using specialize hair care products, watching Dolemite over and over. But he got strong, really strong, and started playing football. His uncle was concerned over the effect the helmet would have on his hair. But after the college offers started rolling in, he relaxed a little, but still would get nervous at games thinking about the damage that the helmet was doing to his hair.

Keith Allen
#1 Tackle
Orange, TX
6’3″ 312 lbs
40: 5.16
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 28.6″
Bench: 465 lbs
Squat: 750 lbs (holy crap)
5 Stars

From Orange County Texas, and in this Orange County there are black people. It’s on the gulf coast, and Allen reps Slim Thug, Paul Wall, and Mike Jones to the fullest. But at the same time he has been heavily influenced by California’s Orange County – he loves Indie rock too. He played drums for a band called Ducky’s Revenge, and also produced beats for a high school rap group called Citrusss. When searching for colleges, he said he wanted to find a place where people would understand someone who loves thugged out hip hop and indie rock – Arizona and Alabama were his only choices.

Alan Barron
#1 RB
Weatherford, OK
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A
Vert: 37.8″
Hands: C
Bench: 310
Squat: 695
5 Stars

Weatherford is almost five percent native, and with that making up 1/8 of his heritage, Barron is a strong advocate for native rights and environmentalism. In spite of the fact that he will sit behind Redwood Haynes, he said he wanted to come to Arizona to learn from the Environmentalist Running Back. He hates the oil industry, and is a big proponent of natural medicine. In the state championship game, he tore his ACL, then he rubbed some special root on it, went back in the game and scored five touchdowns. He then ate the root, and made out with three girls in the same night. Receiving two hand jobs – one botched, one to fruition.

Marvin Overstreet
Concord, CA
#1 G
6’1″ 277 lbs
40: 5.20
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 30.9″
Bench: 460
Squat: 680
5 Stars

Overstreet went to De La Salle High School – the perpetual powerhouse. They are considerably better than Toronto’s De La Salle High School, but their hockey team can’t hold a candle to Canada’s ginos. Overstreet was a born guard. When he was six his father, a former Oakland Raider lineman, saw his son pick up a football. He slapped the football away, and then slapped his son and told him “you don’t touch that, you block everything in front of it.” Overstreet then knocked over the family dog while his younger brother ran into the kitchen for a touchdown.

Jay Gibson
White Center, WA
#3 Kicker (BLACK!)
199 lbs (WHAT?)
40: 5.05
Field AWR: A
Kick PWR: A+
Kick Accuracy: A
Bench: 285
Squat: 315
4 Stars

Yes, Jay Gibson is a black kicker. He had posters of Reggie Roby all over his room when he was kid. As if it weren’t hilarious enough that he’s a black kicker in a world of white guys and foreigners, he is also from White Center, Washington. Though shockingly, it’s the most thugged out part of the Seattle area! Jay Gibson kept it crazy real in high school, and studied karate with an awesome black karate master who had a shaved head and a beard. Through the karate he learned to kick ass and footballs. He treats every situation like prison – he kicks someone’s ass on the first day – he did it at camp, he did at McDonalds, and he’ll do it at Arizona. Mike Cooper is scared, and will probably quit the team.

Kevin Jackson
Los Angeles, CA
#5 DT
40: 5.14
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 29.2″
Bench: 480
Squat: 720
4 Stars

Finally. This is the first Wildcat from Los Angeles PROPER that the Wildcats have had. Jackson grew up near Little Tokyo in Downtown Los Angeles. His family didn’t have a car, and he barely left the city limits during his childhood. He didn’t know Los Angeles was on the ocean until his was 17 and his mind was blown (LA Schools need work). He also got really into Ramen, and befriended a Ramen chef at Daikokoya in Little Tokyo and learned to make really great Ramen and hopes to travel to Japan one day to study under the masters. He plans to pursue a degree in East Asian Studies.

Willie Babcock
Palos Hills, IL
#1 DE
6’6″ 251 lbs
40: 4.73
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 37.2″
Bench: 430
Squat: 595
5 Stars

Palos Hills is a suburb of Chicago, a pretty rich one too. Willie was one of only four black kids in his high school, and oddly enough they all played defensive line. They were dubbed “the censor bar” and put a hurting on opposing quarterbacks. He was going to go to Notre Dame, but, like so many Wildcats, found the hoes at Arizona to be much flyer. He also talked to Mike B about where to go to school, and after he talked at bout the “Libarry” and an “ambliance” Mike B decided he wasn’t Notre Dame material and sent him to Arizona.

Jarred Gray
#3 CB
Derby, Colorado
6’0″, 197 lbs
40: 4.29
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 43.4″ – HOLY CRAP
Hands: B
Bench: 250
Squat: 350

Derby, Colorado is 47% Hispanic and only 1% black. Jarred Gray was used to being the only black guy at quinceaneras, confirmations, and in his freestyle skiing club. Yes, Gray’s parents are crazy rich, and hold aspirations of him being the next Jeremy Bloom – he’s got hops on the mountain and off – 43.4” VERTICAL! One time they set up a basketball hoop on the mogul course (22’ off the ground) and Gray did a twister spread and hit the dunk. He hung on the rim and when he let go he busted a helicopter. He wants to go to Arizona to get away from the pressure being put on him by his family to be a skier, he wants to focus on football. He’s also got a sweet touchdown dance ready go (hint: he pretends to ski).

Ben Bray
#6 MLB
Pampa, TX
6’0″ 248 lbs
40: 4.73
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 34.2″
Hands: C
Bench: 435
Squat: 665
4 Stars

Pampa is near Amarillo. And as anyone who has ever been to Amarillo can tell you “the best view is in your rearview mirror.” Bray echoes that statement. He developed a thick skin as surrounding towns would make derogatory statements about Pampa and Pampers – either they wear them, they smell like them, they can’t afford them for their children, and so forth. But Bray took that rage and channeled it into two routes – football and poetry. He wants to be the next great Arizona Linebacker, and the next great desert poet. Though he hasn’t really matured beyond poems about football – he hopes that college will introduce him to new topics. Here is a sweet poem he wrote:

I play linebacker
I make Tackles
I don’t play hockey

Freaking awesome.

Raymond Rogers
Mount Olympus, UT
#9 CB
40: 4.16 YES
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 40.1″ nice
Hands: B
Bench: 225
Squat: 445
4 Stars
Mount Olympus is CRAZY rich – Media Family Income is 92k. Raymond Rogers is the son of former NBA Player Carlos Rogers – who got really into toques and snow when he played for the Raptors and decided to move his family to Utah. Raymond is a spoiled rich kid who drives a hummer, skis, attended school in Switzerland for a while, speaks French and German, and was all set to study at private school. Then his father explained to him what kind of job he would have to do to maintain his lifestyle: doctor, lawyer, CEO – and he decided football was just easier. He also skiied against Jarred Gray, they have a big rivarly and do not like each other.

Top Classes
#1 Colorado
#2 Texas A&M
#3 Arkansas
#4 USC
#5 Arizona
Five 5-Star, Ten 4-Star, 15 Total
More Five Stars than anyone else

nflpicks2015.jpgEast West Game

Arizona Starters
P. Rodriguez
K. Bonds
Devin Hurst
Bryson Horton
Mark McCray
Deonne Heard


NFL Draft
Patrick Rodriguez, 1/9
Pittsburgh Steelers

Deonne Heard 1/10
NY Giants

Kevin Bonds 1/20
Denver Broncos – Apparently got onto his dad’s program and added a few hundred pounds of fat and muscle.

Mark McCray (Became Black!) 2/41
Miami Dolphins

Bryson Horton, 2/55
Green Bay Packers

Devin Hurst, 3/89
Seattle Seahawks

Ben Miles, 5/134
Houston Texans

Rob Rush, 5/159
Dallas Cowboysdraft-mediacoverage2015.jpg

Tucson, AZ – Arizona’s graduating seniors were honored with a special dinner at Mi Nidito’s in Tucson. Howard Coleman, leaving early for the NFL, was also invited. Jaraki Davis who is transferring to Colorado State University was not invited and Patrick Rodriguez played a video of him and Kevin Bonds pranking him in the dorm by leaning a garbage can full of water against his door then having a girl he liked knock on the door and say she wanted to talk. He then opened the door and water covered all of his stuff. He listed this as his prime reason for transferring. There were rumors swirling that Redwood Haynes as very close to declaring for the NFL as a redshirt sophmore, but Coach Stoops sat him down and had a conference call with Maurice Clarett from Jail. After that phonecall, Redwood said he was coming back to finish his degree.

Graduating Seniors
Derrick Johnson, SS
Rob Rush, CB
PJ Osei, LT
Andrew Schlicher, HB
Bryson Horton, CB
Devin Hurst
, CB
Kevin Bonds, MLB
Patrick Rodriguez, OLB
Mark McCray, FS
Ben Miles, RT
Deonne Heard, DT

Howard Coleman, SS

Jakari Davis, CB (To Colorado State University)

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redwood2015nc.jpgNew Orleans, LA – With booster Myles V. in attendance along with local celebrities Master P, Lil Wayne and Baby (pictured) the Arizona Wildcats made a bold statement about why they are the best team in the nation.

From the opening drive it was clear that Arizona was the better team.  Like many WAC teams, Fresno State appeared overmatched on the first drive.  Arizona’s defense completely shut them down, and then on the ensuing drive Arizona just marched down the field at will and scored.  And it pretty much stayed that way for the entire game.

But more importantly, Redwood Haynes asserted himself as the best player on the best team by having his biggest game when it counted most.  He had 41 carries for 252 yards and four, yes FOUR touchdowns.arizonasideline2015nc.jpg

“If you think this was a big win, a bigger win would be the win over global warming,” said Haynes after the game.  “If everyone who wants to support me and the Wildcat team would buy compact flourescent bulbs, try to bike to work, and reuse shopping bags, I would consider it an honor.  Don’t buy t-shirts and hats, honor this team through your actions.  The new rankings are: Environment #1, Arizona #2.  Show me that people.”

Casey Cook was 6/14 for a touchdown to Marcus Holbert, but he threw two goalline interceptions, including one that was returned for a touchdown.

“We had a shutout,” said Patrick Rodriguez after the game who proudly donned the #7 sticker in the game for Crimson Tide RB Seth Sanchez.  “Casey blew it, I can finally say it: he’s a loser.  I hate that guy, he sucks.  We should direct snap to Redwood on every play.  We could have ended our career with a shutout in the national championship.”

prodsanchez2015.jpgThat Arizona defense held Fresno’s Top Ten offense to a total of 58 yards and never let them cross the 50.    The Arizona four played their last game together and they all came up like heroes.  Paul Martin (the sole Junior) had 6 Tackles, Kevin Bonds saved his best for last with 5 tackles, a sack, an int, a Forced Fumble and a deflection.  Patrick Rodriguez has a sack, 2 TFLs, and a fumble recovery.  And Will Higgins had 2 tackles for loss.

“I am going to miss these  guys,” said Stoops after the game. “This was the best defense we ever had and it was those linebackers that made it that way.  They were incredible.  You hear that John Lewis – INCREDIBLE.”

Job offers from V-Tech, WVU, USC

Final Polls
#1 Arizona (38)
#2 Colorado (21)
#3 Penn State (3)
#4 Fresno STate
#5 Miami

#1 Arizona (61)
#2 Colorado
#3 Fresno STate
#4 Penn State
#5 Miami

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