Tucson, AZ – Arizona’s newest kicker, Jay Gibson, has caused quite a sensation. He is the most highly touted kicker since Marcel Nakfoor, and the first black kicker in Arizona history, we sat down with him for an interview.

Riverdale Palm Trees: Hi Jay, nice to meet you.

Jay Gibson: Man, shut up, is this going to take long?

RPT: So you were the #3 ranked kicker coming out of high school, what was that like? did you play soccer as a kid?

JG: In response to your last question, I am not gay.

RPT: What? I didn’t ask that.

JG: You asked if I played soccer – same thing.

gibsonthugs.jpgRPT: Oh, I see. So where did you get your kicking ability.

JG: Funny you should ask – 2 places. One, from kicking asses. I have put more boots up people’s asses than anyone in White Center History. Two, as part of community service they made me join the football team. We had gone three years without an extra point, so they put me at kicker because shit, if I fucked up, who cares? right right? But I was wearing a house arrest bracelet at the time, and in White Center, our police technology is like 15 years behind everywhere else, so the motherfucking bracelet weighed damn near 35 pounds, and those bastards put it on my kicking leg. So I started making kicks, not great ones, but they were legit. After I kicked a game winner, my parole officer – WHO had bet on the game – let me take off the bracelet and I started hitting from 50 yards out.

RPT: That’s an amazing story. Do you have any kicking idols?

JG: One. Reggie Roby, the biggest thug kicker of all time. I hate the Europeans, I hate the Canadian kickers, and I hate the pussy ass white boys the most.

RPT: What about Marcel Nakfoor?

JG: He’s alright, Morrocco is Africa, so he’s African.

RPT: What other sports did you play in high school?

JG: Is running from the cops a sport?

RPT: kind of.

JG: Is beating up people a sport?

RPT: Well, boxing I guess.

JG: Yeah, so I boxed in high school – just with no gloves, or refs, or weight classes. And no rules about brass knuckles.

RPT: Do people still use those?

(note at this point, Gibson donned a pair of brass knuckles and punched through the table we were sitting at.)

JG: You tell me mother fucker.

RPT: So what do you plan to study at Arizona.

JG: Is “not going to jail” a major?

RPT: Yes, it’s called Sociology.

JG: Then that’s what I’m studying. Wait, are there fine ass bitches in that?

RPT: Lots.

JG: Well, it looks like I just declared my major.

RPT: What do you plan to do after you graduate?

JG: NFL, or NBA, or maybe work as a body guard for some rappers. I might move up to Vancouver and run that city.

RPT: Vancouver Washington?

JG: Vancouver Canada man, more loot, more loot, less competition.

RPT: Why did you choose #40?

JG: It’s my favorite size of Malt Liquor, and I want to represent it as hard as I can. I see so many kegs around here, and cans of light beer. It’s time to get Arizona to keep it real. Also I would like to request that fans throw empty 40 bottles on the field or at the opponent every time I make a kick.

Note: Riverdale Palm Trees does not recommend this.

RPT: That sounds unsafe.

JG: So is growing up in White Center, what you know about it?

RPT: About? White Center, Washington?

JG: Don’t get smart with me.

Note: at this point, Gibson pulled a gun on RPT.

JG: You wanna get smart?

RPT: No, I was just trying to follow you.

JG: Fuck this shit.

Gibson then shot five bullets into the wall behind RPT.

JG: WC! WC! We keep it real!

Gibson then drove off into the night in a souped up Honda Civic with a strange Asian teenager.