April 2007


2017stanfordloss.jpgTucson, AZ – In one of those games where you just felt like you were not going to be able to win, the Arizona Wildcats fell to the Stanford Cardinal. Officially starting a new streak for consecutive losses!

There is only one man to blame – Brent Robinson who threw,FIVE(5) interceptions against a Stanford defense that would not quit. They rushed the passer, covered every WR tightly, and just refused to let Arizona make any progress.

“I can’t believe this happened,” said Robinson. “How did I fuck this up so badly? What’s going on?”

His teammates were not supportive.

“It’s all Brent’s fault,” said Marcus Holbert. “I can’t pretend otherwise. He messed up.”

Stanford’s offense was average, but it was their defense that absolutely dominated.

Matt Jenkins, a recruit from DIamond Bar, CA committed to the cats.

The Wildcats are now unranked.

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uschoward2017.jpgLos Angeles, CA – Without Redwood Haynes and his burning desire to destroy Southern California’s richest private school, the Arizona Wildcats could not keep up with the experience laden Trojans.

Without starting QB Brent Robinson, backup Clarence Howard was thrown to the Lions in his first ever start.  Citing his faith as his main inspiration, Howard went 14/28 for 199 yards and four interceptions.  Four horsemen of the apocalypse, bad luck in Chinese culture, it’s no coincidence.

“They were too strong for me,” said Howard after the game.  “I let so many people down, I just, wasn’t good enough.”

Mormon Children throughout the state, and most notably in Mesa, AZ are converting to Catholocism and Scientology in record numbers.

“He was my hero,” said Danny Smith, an 11 year old from Mesa.  “I saw him and I thought, Mormons can do anything.  Now, after getting smoked by USC, I just don’t know.  Scientologists seem to be doing pretty well in Hollywood, and I guess I should become an actor now. It seems easier than having Clarence as a hero.”

On the ground, USC completely destroyed the Wildcats.  Arizona’s Alan Barron carried 13 times for 73 yards and fumbled twice.  But his USC rival Joe Atkinson was outstanding, going 13/96 1 TD.usc2017lossatkinson.jpg

USC was also using their backup quarterback, Rasheed Hampton (white) who performed well gong  11/22, 158 and a TD, but he used his legs well too.

“I kept it maaad real,” said Rasheed after the game.  “A white boy named Rasheed has more to prove, and I proved it.  What? You can’t see me!”

But the real killer was USC’s senior filled defense who shut down all aspects of Arizona’s west coast offensive system.  OLB Carl Anderson was a terror with 6 Tackles, 4 TFL, and 2 Sacks, senior CB Ray Marquardt had 5 tackles, 2 INTs.

On the Arizona side, only Quinn Scott played well with 5 tackles 1 TFL, 1 Forced fumble. Jay Gibson 53 yard FG – pretty good game.

Arizona drops to #12

Pac Ten Winning Streak is over after six plus years and 49 games.  There is not one player on the team who can even remember losing a Pac Ten game.

“What is this feeling,” said Josh Diles after the game.  “Losing a Pac Ten game?  We have to call some alumni who were here in 2011.”

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Junior Quarterback Clarence Howard will make his first start Saturday against USC. The mormon QB was brought on to fill a spot on the roster while Brent Robinson redshirted. It is the biggest game of his life, and the biggest threat to Arizona’s record Pac Ten winning streak.

Riverdale Palm Trees: Hi Clarence, how are you?

Clarence Howard: To be honest, I’m pretty nervous.

RPT: About the interview?

CH: About everything!!

RPT: Well, how do you usually calm down?

CH: Book of Mormon does me right.

RPT: Well, why not read that now?

CH: I think the chapter on the USC defense is missing. I went to Temple to talk about it, but nobody can give me advice about reading a cover two defense.

RPT: Jason Weaver and Justin Abdullah never got this nervous.

CH: really? What did they do to calm down?

RPT: Hmmm, mostly they hooked up with slutty white girls.

CH: Hmmm, really? Did it work?

RPT: Three Heismans between them. You tell me?

CH: So are you telling me that the way to calm down and beat USC is to hook up with those girls from Coronado?

RPT: I’m not telling you what to do. I am saying that this is the highest profile you’ve ever been, and probably ever will be. This is your chance.

CH: I wonder what the faith would say?

RPT: Well, a long time ago they believed in polygamy, so based on sound reasoning, I think that Joseph Smith would tell you to score with as many girls as you can, while you can.

CH: That sort of sounds right.

RPT: Joseph Smith or Jason Weaver? I can’t remember who said it. Either way, it’s sound advice.

CH: So what now?

RPT: I’m going to hand you this phone number. It was given to me by Jason Weaver, he told me to pass it on to anyone who needed a good time.

CH: Is it a whore house?

RPT: Sorority House.

CH: Which one

RPT: (omitted)

CH: Nice.

floydwsu2017.jpgTucson, AZ – The Arizona Wildcats will be led by a mormon.  While Arizona’s large Mormon population in Phoenix is planning to make big road trips for all the game started by Arizona’s backup QB – Clarence Howard.  Brent Robinson went down in then 2nd quarter with a strained abdominal muscle, and will be out for three weeks.  It is the most serious injury to a Wildcat in five years.

In the game, Robinson looked pretty good before going down – 15/21 237 2 TDs.

“I’m very upset that I’m  hurt,” said Robinson after the game.  “But, we have a bye so I’ll only miss two games.  USC and Stanford.  Clarence can handle USC…um, maybe?”

The Wildcats are not resting easy this week, knowing that an unproven Junior Mormon QB will have to defend their Pac Ten winning streak against a Trojan team that is undefeated and ranked #5.

But they looked pretty good against WSU – with the Freshman Backfield doing it’s thing again – Alan Barron went over 100 yards for the first time, Steve Gilmore had two big 25 yard runs, and fullback Tim Christian had two more TDs on only nine yards!

Ryan Parrish had six catches for over 100 yards again.christianwsu2017.jpg

On defense Alphonso Alston went nuts with six tackles, 4 TFLs, and 1 interception.

“Man, I hate WSU,” said Alston after the game.  “One time I stopped for gas in Pullman, and I wanted to get a slimjim, but the little store in there had no slim jims.  It sucked.  I had to eat one of those gross things with cheese and meat in the same package.  The greases comingled, I didn’t even finish it.  I through it at a kid in a WSU sweatshirt and swore revenge.  And now, here we are.”

Quinn Scott is turning into a freshman sensation has he was hitting HUGE all game long.

Jon Floyd returned a punt for TD>

cal2017end.jpgBerkeley, CA – The Arizona Wildcats walked into Berkeley expecting to blowout an overrated Cal – like they’ve been doing for the past six years. But this is a different era in Arizona football, and the game was a miracle victory.

Josh Rice, son of Jerry, had a great game going 22/32 280 yards, and two touchdowns. With his arm, legs, and supporting cast, the Wildcat defense was again exposed as particularly weak against strong quarterbacks.

The score was 20-7 Cal at the half and Arizona looked like they were going to hand over the Pac Ten to the quickly improving Golden Bears.  But once again, Brent Robinson refused to give up in the face of interceptions, sacks, and drops by his recievers.

“If we’re going to lose a Pac Ten game,” said Robinson who went 13/23 214, one TD, one INT.  “It will be to the USC thugs, not to these pussified,  Norcal dorks.  Redwood would be disgusted to call these guys fellow environmentalists.”

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The second half also featured a Wildcat defense that refused to budge after being torched by Rice in the first half.  Freshman sensation Quinn Scott finished the game with ten tackles, including two for loss.  While Defensive Tackle Kyle Jones (perhaps the best to ever play for Arizona) had four tackles for loss and a sack.

With the game 20-14, Alan Barron scampered for an impressive 20 yard run, and then freshman Tim Christian punched it in for the score, giving the Wildcats a 21-20 lead with two minutes left.

At that point the defense took over, forced a turnover, and Freshman RB Steve Gilmore broke a 30 yard run for the score.  Although some think Cal let him score to get the ball back.

With the ball back in their hands, they marched downfield against a tired Arizona D.  They reached the 35 and had one last hail mary pass to try and tie it.  For some  reason, Xavier Henderson was the ONLY person covering three Cal WRs (pictured) but still managed to bat the ball down and save the game for the Wildcats.

Arizona is now ranked #8 in the polls.

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vtmcdowell.jpgTucson, AZ – The Wildcats will not have a perfect season…again.  Once again the brutal non conference schedule has brought about a loss for the talented, and hungry Wildcats, this time to Virginia Tech and their Heisman candidates at QB and RB.

The first half looked good with Arizona showing a lot of prowess, and strong defense.  But a huge fumble from Joe “Bong Bong” Fulton let Virginia Tech score and take a 14-7 lead at the half.

The Wildcats could not adjust at the half as Virginia Tech held the ball and kept moving it six or seven yards at a time.  VT’s Heisman front running QBChris McDowell looked like it.  He passed 10/13 88 yards, 1 TD and ran for 55 yards,  and 1 TD.  Barrett Dixon all over again.

On the ground, VT’s RB Mark Wilson tore  up the Cat’s with 154 yards and 2 TDs.vtechcover.jpg

The two enabled Virginia Tech to hold onto the ball for almost 14 minutes, compared to SIX for the Wildcats.

Brent Robinson went 13/27 132 1 TD, but his recievers had SEVEN drops = 2 from Parrish, Jackson, Holbert, 1 from Holbert.

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