Heisman


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New York, NY – Redwood Haynes was not invited to the Heisman Ceremony in spite of finishing the season with over 2000 yards and 30 touchdowns.  Many speculate the snub was due to Haynes strong environmental beliefs and the Heisman’s strong connections to car manufacturers (in recent years it has been sponsored by Suzuki and Nissan).

“You’re damn right I would have said something,” said Haynes in an interview.  “I would have said this trophy perpetuates one driver one car, unsustainable growth, a lack of support for public transportation, and the growth of gated communities.  It also has done untold damage to our environment and our health.  I spit on the Heisman trophy until it gets it’s integrity back.  And yeah, that’s right, even if I won, I would have smashed it on the ground to make a statement.”

Haynes did win the Maxwell Award and the Doak Walker (both for the second consecutive year), he had no trouble accepted the awards and in both cases pleaded for the audience to switch to CFL light bulbs and try to reduce gasoline consumption.  Haynes was also named First Team All American, and First Team All Pac Ten.

Arizona’s star kicker Jay Gibson took home the Groza Trophy along with First Team All American Honors, First Team All Pac Ten, and First Team Freshman All American.

“Y’all ain’t even announcing the best award,” said Gibson.  “I was named first team All-AFRICAN-American by BET.  I’m the first kicker they’ve had since my man Reggie Roby.  Oh, is the mic still on?  Fuck Da Heisman.”

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New York, New York – Jason Weaver won his second Heisman trophy with an absolute blowout.

“I want to thank one person for this,” said Weaver. “Chad Smith. It was not easy to replace Dane Wright, and I know with the new offense it was hard to get me the ball, so I had to make the most of those throws, and they were perfect. Chad should have at least been a contender. But I want to dedicate it to him.”

Weaver then left the ceremony with literally a dozen women.

Stats

55 Rec, 1924 Yards, 21 TDs, 4 drops.

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New York, NY – Jason Weaver is the 2013 Heisman winner as a sophmore. He nabbed 553 first place votes, shocking the nation who thought that the senior Dane Wright, might have been more deserving.

“Dane is the best player I’ve ever seen,” said Jason Weaver after the ceremony. “If I could have voted, I would have given to him. He’s amazing, I wouldn’t have this award without him and without our offensive line. That being said, all I want to say is: I’m #1.”

Dane then proceeded to install a projector where he gave his list of the top five Heisman Winners:

#1 Jason Weaver
#2 Justin Abdullah
#3 Gino Toretta
#4 Barry Sanders
#5 Desmond Howard

and his bottom five
#5 Danny Wuerfful
#4 Jason White
#3 Dough Flutie
#2 Eric Crouch
#1 Jay Berwanger

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In Major League players who don’t like each other, become friends at the end of the movie. In this ESPN cover we clearly see Jason Weaver holding up #43John Lewis in celebration, right?

“That’s fucking crazy,” said Lewis. “Look closely, I’m punching him.”

Weaver said the following “Those guys at ESPN are idiots! He punched me when I tried to give him props for scoring a TD. I don’t know why he was so pissed off.”

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