Interview


With a non-conference loss, and two Pac Ten losses, the Arizona Wildcats are in the midst of their worst season of 2011 when they lost four games.  Though that season taught the team a lot about growth, and learning, it also started the record Pac Ten winning streak that saw two classes never once suffer a conference loss.haynesucla2016.jpg

But the tough season this year has led to some questions about what makes a great team, and why can we point to the 2015/2016 Wildcats as National Champions, what made them great? and why is this team struggling so much?

The easy answer is one man, Redwood Haynes.  When you play this game, you cannot underestimate what it means to have a player who does not have a bad game.  Someone you can hand it off to on 3rd and 6 and he’ll make it happen.  But Redwood was so special because he never got tired, he was always fresh, always breaking tackles, always giving 110%.  He was the reason behind the titles.chadrose2014.jpg

Along those lines, you cannot underestimate a proven offensive superstar – guys like Jason Weaver and Justin Abdullah made the game a lot easier.  They were clutch on 3rd and 4th down.   But while they were game breaking, since they were dependent upon the QB, there were times when they could be shut down.

And finally, does a great quarterback really mean all that much? Two national titles with consistent underperformer Casey Cook, and a solid season under converted Athlete Chad Smith show that it might not be as essential as you think.  This year, with Brent Robinson – a purebred QB from New Jersey, the Wildcats have struggled.  2012 featured Dane Wright having the greatest season ever by a Wildcat Quarterback, and while they were a national title calibre team, they could not pull it off.  What makes Dane, Casey, and Chad great was their ability to scramble, and while occassionally it would lead to sacks, just forcing a defense to spy on 3rd and 5 meant that a TE could open up, or if they didn’t spy you could run for those yards.  The immobile Brent Robinson has stretched the field and spread the ball, but when he is off, he has no alternative.

weaverasu2014.jpgAnd finally, never ever underestimate a defense.  The Arizona squads of 2015/2016 featured experience linebackers, and a deep secondary that did an incredible job of forcing turnovers.  And while 2017 has a lot of future stars at LB (Quinn Scott) and current legends at DE (Nick Robinson), they are very weak in the secondary and have struggled greatly to have safeties come up and stop the QB.

And then there are in the intangibles, the X-factors: team chemistry.  Robinson is a leader, not so much because he feels the need, but because he feels like he’s supposed to be.  Redwood was a leader, the team would follow him into hell.

And so this looks to be a rough year for thecooktoweaversjsu2014.jpg Wildcats,  and they cannot take any games for granted.  They need  to win out to make a bowl game, and Arizona State sits undefeated at #10 – a win there and the Wildcat faithful can still call this season a success because they ruined someone else’s season.  Much like they ruined their own.

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Junior Quarterback Clarence Howard will make his first start Saturday against USC. The mormon QB was brought on to fill a spot on the roster while Brent Robinson redshirted. It is the biggest game of his life, and the biggest threat to Arizona’s record Pac Ten winning streak.

Riverdale Palm Trees: Hi Clarence, how are you?

Clarence Howard: To be honest, I’m pretty nervous.

RPT: About the interview?

CH: About everything!!

RPT: Well, how do you usually calm down?

CH: Book of Mormon does me right.

RPT: Well, why not read that now?

CH: I think the chapter on the USC defense is missing. I went to Temple to talk about it, but nobody can give me advice about reading a cover two defense.

RPT: Jason Weaver and Justin Abdullah never got this nervous.

CH: really? What did they do to calm down?

RPT: Hmmm, mostly they hooked up with slutty white girls.

CH: Hmmm, really? Did it work?

RPT: Three Heismans between them. You tell me?

CH: So are you telling me that the way to calm down and beat USC is to hook up with those girls from Coronado?

RPT: I’m not telling you what to do. I am saying that this is the highest profile you’ve ever been, and probably ever will be. This is your chance.

CH: I wonder what the faith would say?

RPT: Well, a long time ago they believed in polygamy, so based on sound reasoning, I think that Joseph Smith would tell you to score with as many girls as you can, while you can.

CH: That sort of sounds right.

RPT: Joseph Smith or Jason Weaver? I can’t remember who said it. Either way, it’s sound advice.

CH: So what now?

RPT: I’m going to hand you this phone number. It was given to me by Jason Weaver, he told me to pass it on to anyone who needed a good time.

CH: Is it a whore house?

RPT: Sorority House.

CH: Which one

RPT: (omitted)

CH: Nice.

Tucson, AZ – Arizona’s newest kicker, Jay Gibson, has caused quite a sensation. He is the most highly touted kicker since Marcel Nakfoor, and the first black kicker in Arizona history, we sat down with him for an interview.

Riverdale Palm Trees: Hi Jay, nice to meet you.

Jay Gibson: Man, shut up, is this going to take long?

RPT: So you were the #3 ranked kicker coming out of high school, what was that like? did you play soccer as a kid?

JG: In response to your last question, I am not gay.

RPT: What? I didn’t ask that.

JG: You asked if I played soccer – same thing.

gibsonthugs.jpgRPT: Oh, I see. So where did you get your kicking ability.

JG: Funny you should ask – 2 places. One, from kicking asses. I have put more boots up people’s asses than anyone in White Center History. Two, as part of community service they made me join the football team. We had gone three years without an extra point, so they put me at kicker because shit, if I fucked up, who cares? right right? But I was wearing a house arrest bracelet at the time, and in White Center, our police technology is like 15 years behind everywhere else, so the motherfucking bracelet weighed damn near 35 pounds, and those bastards put it on my kicking leg. So I started making kicks, not great ones, but they were legit. After I kicked a game winner, my parole officer – WHO had bet on the game – let me take off the bracelet and I started hitting from 50 yards out.

RPT: That’s an amazing story. Do you have any kicking idols?

JG: One. Reggie Roby, the biggest thug kicker of all time. I hate the Europeans, I hate the Canadian kickers, and I hate the pussy ass white boys the most.

RPT: What about Marcel Nakfoor?

JG: He’s alright, Morrocco is Africa, so he’s African.

RPT: What other sports did you play in high school?

JG: Is running from the cops a sport?

RPT: kind of.

JG: Is beating up people a sport?

RPT: Well, boxing I guess.

JG: Yeah, so I boxed in high school – just with no gloves, or refs, or weight classes. And no rules about brass knuckles.

RPT: Do people still use those?

(note at this point, Gibson donned a pair of brass knuckles and punched through the table we were sitting at.)

JG: You tell me mother fucker.

RPT: So what do you plan to study at Arizona.

JG: Is “not going to jail” a major?

RPT: Yes, it’s called Sociology.

JG: Then that’s what I’m studying. Wait, are there fine ass bitches in that?

RPT: Lots.

JG: Well, it looks like I just declared my major.

RPT: What do you plan to do after you graduate?

JG: NFL, or NBA, or maybe work as a body guard for some rappers. I might move up to Vancouver and run that city.

RPT: Vancouver Washington?

JG: Vancouver Canada man, more loot, more loot, less competition.

RPT: Why did you choose #40?

JG: It’s my favorite size of Malt Liquor, and I want to represent it as hard as I can. I see so many kegs around here, and cans of light beer. It’s time to get Arizona to keep it real. Also I would like to request that fans throw empty 40 bottles on the field or at the opponent every time I make a kick.

Note: Riverdale Palm Trees does not recommend this.

RPT: That sounds unsafe.

JG: So is growing up in White Center, what you know about it?

RPT: About? White Center, Washington?

JG: Don’t get smart with me.

Note: at this point, Gibson pulled a gun on RPT.

JG: You wanna get smart?

RPT: No, I was just trying to follow you.

JG: Fuck this shit.

Gibson then shot five bullets into the wall behind RPT.

JG: WC! WC! We keep it real!

Gibson then drove off into the night in a souped up Honda Civic with a strange Asian teenager.

white.jpgA group of white Arizona Wildcats who are self proclaimed “rednecks and country boys” have released a country and western single to try and raise money for Farm Aid and to help out Arizona farmers, and help build some new farms in the Gulf Region in an effort to help out the extended families of some of members of the Alabama Crimson Tide. John Diles, Casey Cook, and Kevin Jackson were featured on the track entitled “We’re White, We’re Alright”

Kevin Jackson
Now we don’t smoke no marijuana or sip on hennessey
But we do come from Illinois, Oklahoma, and Tennessee
We ain’t got no iPods loaded with Young Jeezy and Master P
But we do got a mixtape full of John Michael Mont-Gom-Ery!

Chorus
We’re White, We’re Alright
We can drink all night
We’ll help you and lend a hand
But don’t act like we’re in the klan

John Diles
We ain’t so different, you and me
Black and white, city and country
We love big trucks and arms with tats
We love football and having tons of gats

Chorus
We’re White, We’re Alright
We can drink all night
We’ll help you and lend a hand
But don’t act like we’re in the klan

Casey Cook
I’m just a young man out here all alone
But I want to see this Wildcats bring it home
We got thugs and necks, but we both read the bible
Now lets work together and win us a title

Twin Threats
Like the Yin and Yang, the world often needs opposites. Sometimes they work against each other, but always defining each other by that which they lack. That is to say, can there be light if we don’t know dark? We can never know what true light is until we have experience pure darkness.

In 2012, two recruits at WR will set foot on college campuses, mirror images in size, and complete opposites in style. Chris Richard is the definition of responsible athlete; mature, kind, loyal, intelligent, and humble. While Jason Weaver is what many point to as being everything that’s wrong with sports: arrogant, selfish, egotistical, yet incredibly talented.

We sat down with both receivers at the Abdullah/Thompson WR Camp for High School seniors in Dallas, TX.

Riverdale Palm Trees: I want to thank you both for taking the time to sit down and talk with me.

Chris Richard: It’s my pleasure, it’s nice to meet you.

Jason Weaver: Is this gonna take long? I got things to do, moves to make.

RPT: Who would you list as your role models?

CR: My parents, first and foremost. Then my grandparents.

JW: Me.

RPT: How about football?

CR: Well, Joel Thompson, of course. Then I would say Jerry Rice, Ed McCaffrey, Marvin Harrison.

JW: Randy Moss, Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, and my main man Dwight Gooden…TAMPA! WHAT!?

RPT: Ok, can you put the gun back in your waistband?

JW: Sorry, Tampa in the house, you know? HA!

RPT: Very good, now, when did you know that you were destined to be a special player?

CR: I don’t know if I can call myself a special player at all. I don’t even think I was the best player on my team in Ohio, and frankly, I don’t care if I’m special, I just want to win.

JW: The day I was born, sucka. I came out the womb, doctor dropped his pen, and BADOW! I caught it. And he was all, “damn, that’s a baller, and look at those nuts, they like baseballs.”

RPT: Ok, so you both played basketball in high school, what was that like?

JW: Let me just say, first and foremost, fuck the NBA. That dumb rule, I was gonna jump straight to the pros, get my money right, get my grind right, and be rolling around in an escalade.

RPT: Aren’t you driving an Escalade right now?

JW: On 22s! That’s welfare style, I need 26s, AT LEAST…put that in writing…all y’all Arizona boosters, 26s please, and make em spin!

CR: Well, ah, I just loved playing basketball. I enjoy it, it’s a great team sport, and it was just a lot of fun.

RPT: So why not basketball scholarships?

CR: I hope I can make the Alabama team, and maybe be a 6th man.

JW: Write this down now. Jason Weaver, starting shooting guard on the Arizona Wildcats. And while you’re at it, write this down too: Jason Weaver will bang more white chicks than bumper cars in Utah.

RPT: You are both surpassing legends at your respective schools, how do you feel about that?

CR: Joel Thompson is a legend, I can only hope to try to join him in the list of great Alabama players. And for Brandon Luke to let me use his number meant a lot to me, we talk every week about technique, opponents, life, Jesus, all sorts of stuff.

JW: What!?!?! That motherfucker let you use his number?! I been wearing 87 since I was 12, and the motherfucking AD at Arizona said I had to change my number. Bullshit.

RPT: But how do you feel about replacing Justin Abdullah?

JW: Who?

RPT: The holder of every record in Arizona School history, and the all time NCAA leader in most receiving categories.

JW: I know who he is, I give him respect, but people gonna be asking who he is when I bust up all them records. TAMPA!

CR: I would like to say, that Justin Abdullah was a legend in Ohio when I was growing up. When he invited me to this camp, it meant the world to me.

JW: Fuck you uncle Tom. I’ve had enough of this act, why you being so nice? You afraid to be real? TO GET REAL? Go back to the country and pick me some cotton.

CR: Look, just calm down, there’s no need for this, besides there’s kids around.

JW: Fuck the kids! That’s right, fuck you (points at an 11 year old receiver), fuck you (points at the kids father), fuck you (points at an autistic tight end), fuck you (points at an underpriviledged kids grandmother), fuck you (points at RPT) and your mother.

At this point, Chris Richard attempts to restrain Jason Weaver who pushes him away and throws a vicious punch. Richard catches the punch mid air, and stares down Weaver until he walks away. In the distance, you can hear a table being flipped over and Weaver yelling into his cellphone.

CR: I’m terribly sorry to end this, but I really need to get back to the kids.

Jason Weaver’s High School

Bios on Both:

Wide Receiver

Chris Richard (5 STAR)
6’6 186
Fort McKinley, OH
(#1 WR)
Ohio Player of the year. Top WR in the Nation. Was noticed in 10th grade when an SEC mixed up Fort McKinley with Canton McKinle Can we say Brandon Luke clone. He’s from Ohio, he’s from a small town and he even has the same NBA shooting guard body type at 6’6 186. Was a two sport star as well but this guy’s first love was football and he idolized Luke all through high school. Luke, who graduated a year early for the NFL gave Richard permission to wear his #84. Chris is unlike most superstar WR as he grew up in the small town of Fort McKinley which is outside of Dayton. The town is 53.2% black and Chris loved small town living and refused to transfer to a bigger school in Dayton. Is really close to family and biggest problem will be homesickness. 4.34 speed and a 41’3 vert

Jason Weaver

Birthplace: Tampa, FL
Position: WR
Number:19
National Position Rank as HS Senior: #2
Height:6’6″
Weight:199 lbs
40 Time: 4.22
Field Awareness:A+
Vertical Leap: 41.9″
Bench: 275
Squat: 385
Star Rating: 5 Star
[edit]
Early Recruiting Buzz

Jason Weaver is Arizona’s 2nd 5 Star WR recruit. The first: Justin Abdullah. Weaver chose to came to Arizona because of their DEEP roster of Quarterbacks and coach Stoops commitment to the long ball. He was all State in Basketball and Football. Though he always insists that basketball is his first love, he plays football because everyone has said that’s where he’ll go pro. His favorite team is the Toronto Raptors, and it was during a recruiting visit from AD Lander that they talked Raptors and he decided to come to UofA. He also has aspirations of playing on the Wildcats basketball team, and will probably start in a few years.

Arizona Career

Did not make a wise decision in trying to choose #87 when he came to Arizona. The Athletic Director talked him out of it before it could reach the media. He choose #19 instead.

Josh Selmon, Arizona’s star QB has found himself suspended twice this year. Once leading to a crushing defeat against Nebraska, and most recently in a less consequential blowout of Cal. But many in Tucson and around the nation are starting to wonder, what’s wrong? This young man who has everything going for him and was on a sure fire path to the NFL, is suddenly looking like a gamble for NFL teams.

After his forged note emerged, and now he’s been missing class, some are starting to question whether or not these are cover ups for larger problems. Some said that the doctor’s note was a coverup for an addiction to Oxycotin, and this most recent suspension is not for missing class, but a coverup for a cocaine possession charge that mysteriously disappeared after the police officer realized who he had arrested.

We caught up with Josh at the Buffet…right when they open, at 6:30 a.m.

RPT: Josh, how are you?

Josh coughs, and lights a cigarette.

RPT: Things seem to have changed a bit since we last met.

JS: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

RPT: Well, the last time we met, you were running a Christian youth group. Are you still affiliated with the church?

JS: Listen, god is with me at all times, I don’t need to go to church to be with him. He’s here right now, he’s in my heart, so who cares where my heart is?

RPT: There are reports that you were at Ten’s (strip club) last sunday morning…

JS: God is everywhere.

RPT: So why after two years of being the perfect Arizona QB, have you started to get in trouble?

JS: Trouble? With who?

RPT: The law, the university, the team…

JS: The law? Who’s law?

RPT: What happened over the summer? There are rumors that you’ve been hanging out with Andrew Schlicher a lot.

JS: Yeah, Andrew’s my boy, so what?

RPT: When would you say you started hanging out with him?

JS: About May of last year.

RPT: Interesting.

JS: What? you think me hanging out with him is the problem?

RPT: Andrew has been linked with a number of Laguna Beach cast members who attend the UofA.

JS: So?

RPT: They are rather notorious for, uh, having fun.

JS: It’s called college.

RPT: There are also rumors you’ve been looking into converting to Judaism in anticipation of a career in show business?

Josh lunges at the reporter and started choking him yelling ‘where did you hear that? WHERE! TELL ME!” Locals had to pull him off our report. Before the police could arrive he was whisked away in a brand new Mercedez driven by a beautiful blonde coed, although the Mercedez logo was replaced with a custom Star of David.

Tempe, AZ – After spending years in Tucson as one of the most respected Doctors in town, Dr. Jagger was recently forced to move to Tempe. His crime? His name was forged by QB Josh Selmon on a fake note. The note was checked by a compliance officer, who called Dr. Jagger who confirmed that the note was indeed a fake. Selmon was suspended for the home opener against Nebraska, a game that the ‘Cats lost because of poor coaching and even poorer play from Dane Wright. We sat down with Dr. Jagger at an undisclosed location in Tempe.

Riverdale Palm Trees: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us.

Andrew Jagger: No Problem, it’s my pleasure to finally tell my side of the story.

RPT: So, why did you do it?

AY: Do what? Confirm the truth? That he forged my name. I’m a man of ethics.

RPT: But this was Josh Selmon, some are saying that you might have cost him his first round pick status.

AY: This is ridiculous, he forged MY name, I just confirmed that it was a forgery. He did something wrong not me.

RPT: What would have happened if you had just said it was your signature.

AY: Well, I could have lost my license to practice medicine.

RPT: In this state? With Arizona Football the way it is? Are you nuts?

AY: As well as my own integrity.

RPT: So, why did you move to Tempe? Are you a coward?

AY: Coward? Mike B. took out a hit on me! I had a cowboy following me around in an El Camino for two weeks. I almost got run off of Oracle Rd!

RPT: Why did you move to Tempe?

AY: It was the one place where I figured that I could get away from UofA people. Get some peace.

RPT: Are you being treated like a hero by Arizona State fans.

AY: Yes, a few people have expressed their happiness in my actions.

RPT: AH HA! The rumors are true, it’s part of an ASU conspiracy! I knew it!

AY: What? No, I just–

RPT: If this rumor is true, then surely the other ones must have validity.

AY: What other rumors?

RPT: That you killed three patients just to watch them die, you scour the humane society for animals on death row to have sex with them and then kill them yourself.

AY: None of those are true.

RPT: Sure…so how did you life change after you sold out the Wildcats?

AY: My house was toilet papered, egged, doused in gasoline, and my daughter was kidnapped within an hour of the story breaking.

RPT: Has your daughter been returned to you?

AY: Sometimes, it’s best to move on.

RPT: Was there at least a ransom?

AY: Rescind the note and I get my daughter back.

RPT: And?

AY: I couldn’t do it.

RPT: So what happened to her?

AY: I saw her on the sidelines of a game next to Myles V.

RPT: How old is she?

AY: 16

RPT: She’s gone forever now.

AY: Yeah, I thought that. She’ll get a better life with him.

RPT: Try a better four months.

AY: What?

RPT: So do you have any final words?

AY: Leave me alone. Stop sending me dead animals, boxed feces, and guns with a single bullet in the chamber.

RPT: Thanks so much for your time.

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