Wildcat News


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Some annotations:

The end of the 33 Game Winning Streak 

One loss to Arizona State 

Bowl Records 

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Tucson, AZ – When questioned about the incident, Rodriguez issued the follow statement

“I am not 21 yet, and I had grabbed the Douche’s wallet to get into Club Congress. I don’t regret it.”

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New York, NY – Arizona’s troubled quarterback Casey Cook was spotted with Lindsay Lohan in New York city this Sunday. A rather shocking event considering both are supposed to be in Rehab in Tucson.

“We were taking a break,” said Cook. “We’re both out patients, we can go to New York, we can snort coke, we can do whatever we want.”

Lohan refused to comment except for “Go Wildcats!”

Jason Weaver has stated publically that he does not approve of the relationship: “She’s no good for Casey,” said Weaver. “She’s toxic, he needs a girl like Britney or a 12 year old from a trailer park. He’s out of his league, he can’t handle that woman. But Lindasy, shout me a holler next time I’m in LA.”

johnlewis.jpgKamchatka, Russia – While most only know it because of the board game Risk, John Lewis now knows it as home.

After a very successful three years at Arizona, John Lewis decided to declare early for the NFL draft instead of returning to a defense that had a chance to become one of the best in school history.

He was drafted by the Bengals in the late rounds, and then cut during training camp. He tried to catch on with a few Canadian, and Arena League teams, but he just wasn’t a good fit. So he went to NFL Europe, where again, he was cut. He was going to return home, but after a wild bar fight in Amsterdam, and outstanding Dutch warrants, he knew he had to lay low. He snuck eastward until he hit Russia, and started looking for work.

“I thought ‘Moscow’s a big city, they have a football team,'” said Lewis. “Turns out, they only like soccer, and oil, and corruption, and robbing people. It sucked, so I kept looking for work, and found some in this steel mill. It kind of sucks.”

Lewis has lost a finger, but not his spirit. He still wears his Wildcat uniform.

“Are you kidding me? This is the safest thing I can wear, at least I have a helmet. I would have been killed like four times, or mangled like that kid. I’m trying to teach them football, but they just want to harvest wheat. This is so lame. How are the ‘Cats doing?”

Just fine John. Just Fine.

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Tucson, AZ – Kevin Bonds is on the trouble list with the Wilcats. Apparently he has been having issues with the strength and conditioning coach. Is anyone suprised? Do you remember who is father is? Apparently, Kevin, a three star recruit who has become an All-American caliber MLB in record time, has been taking tips from his dad. We are struggling to figure out what would cause such mood swings, depression, and rage…hmmm.

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Tucson, AZ – Patrick Rodriguez and that TA are still feuding. Rodriguez is seeking legal representation, and will likely employ the services of Casey Cook’s attorney, Justin Castillo.

Neither player recieved any discipline.

Tucson, AZ – Casey Cook has checked himself into outpatient rehab for Methampetamine abuse. While Cook’s addiction is minimal, and he will remain the #2 QB on the team, it is a step forward in helping the young quarterback reach his full potential.

“I started using last summer,” says Cook in an interview conducted in his dorm room. “I thought it was great, for the first time in my life, I felt something as great as football. I was tweaking in the game against SJSU – that’s why I threw those picks, I was jittery, but by half time, I did another bump and I was good to go. I was wacked out of my mind for the Alabama game, I thought my heart was going to explode. I didn’t know what to do. I was walking around Park Place Mall, waiting for my dealer to show up, when I saw a Successories poster. It got me thinking about climbing rocks and achieving stuff. I really understood why these things were so expensive and motivational. I told the dealer I didn’t need it, and checked myself into Rehab. I’m feeling good.”

“I’m glad Casey is doing well,” said Stoops. “I knew something was wrong, this was not the kid from the Spring Game. Hopefully, he can stay clean, and learn from Chad during the season.”

“We kind of saw this coming,” said Jason Weaver.  “You can’t escape who you are, and Casey’s white trash, he’ll be the first to admit.  Frankly, I think it’s a miracle it took him this long.  Also, I’m shocked he didn’t buy it from those O-line guys from Oklahoma.”

Casey Cook will be on the sidelines against USC and available to play if need be.

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