Riverdale Palm Trees

Arizona demolished NAU at home. You can watch the highlights. I spent way too much time editing this together, but damned if I didn’t have fun.

TUCSON, AZ – Coach Stoops has named Josh Selmon as the starter for the upcoming season.  In spite of a great spring, and a ridiculous amount of hype, Dane Wright will be the #2 QB this year, albeit with some perks.

Wright will play all goalline formations, 3rd and longs, and as soon as AZ goes up by 3 TDs.   It will be an interesting season as Dane Wright will NOT be on the bench for all four years.  He is a superstar, Selmon may only have one more year as a starter.  Wright’s hype is so big that Selmon’s RECORD breaking season last year, AND a national title are not enough to secure his job.

Superstar WR, Justin Abdullah (pictured) has said that he supports Wright because Selmon is white.  “Hey, at least I’m honest,” says Abdullah. “Dane Wright is the man, watch him in practice.  But, you can have a monkey, a nun, a machine throwing the ball.  I’m gonna catch it and take it for six.  I just want us to win, kind of.  I mean, if I don’t win the Heisman this year, what was the point?”

So, after five seasons with Arizona, including two national titles, a few bowl wins, a bowl loss, and a 29 game winning streak. It might be time to start considering a new squad. Here are the teams that I’m thinking about using and starting all over again (2006 season):

1. SMU – The only team to ever be so corrupt that the NCAA disbanded the program for a year. Kind of hard not to love that corruption, and they used to be good (kind of) in the early 80s. I know Craig James went there, and I used to hate Craig James, until Doug Flutie joined the ABC team.

2. Ohio State – Yeah, I know, it would be too easy to win. But I’m a big Buckeye fan, and technically a part of Buckeye nation (through marriage, not by choice, though I like OSU anyway).

3. Marshall – “We are Marshall” stars Matthew McConaughey and Matthew Fox and comes out in December, and the trailer almost made me cry. Also, Marshall was a Top 10 team once, and maybe I can bring them back. Plus it would be a bigger challenge.

4. Alabama – one of my first dynasty teams, and part of the legendary late 90s run in NCAA 99 against Schiavone. Matt Stokes (a recruited QB) is still the greatest college QB of all time.

5. Indiana – I went there, and they suck. Maybe I can help…although, they really stink and wouldn’t be that fun. Also, I couldn’t recruit effectively or ethically, knowing that they would be coming to Bloomington to have to watch basketball players grab all the honeys.

6. Nebraska – I played a whole bunch of dynasties with the Huskers when they were good. Tommie Frazier, Scott Frost, Eric Crouch, they were awesome, and they ran the option. Which was always fun. I used to use this team in the old College Football USA days, and I wouldn’t mind taking over, and turning them back into an option team. Although, I love passing so much, it’ll be hard, but it could be good for me.

7. Florida – Also used to play a lot of dynasties with this team, mostly in the College Football USA 97 and NCAA 98 days. Mainly my fascination with this team came from one man, Steve Spurrier, a straight up legend. Yeah, he’s a good coach, but he’s a legendary asshole, and that’s why he’s a hero. Also, he opens it up and has a sick passing offense. But that would mean getting rid of Urban Meyer’s stupid spread option offense. Still…recruit me another bachelor QB from Nepean, ON and I’d be set.

But, in the end it’s so hard to walk away from the Wildcats. I built this team, I recruited Selmon, I recruited Dane Wright, I built a team with no player (except Tyler Lyons) under 70. It’s so hard to walk away, it’s like adopting a puppy and then letting it free when it’s 2. So we’ll see, I’ve said that when the streak ends, I’ll put the dynasty to sleep. But man, it’s tough. Here are the reasons why I can’t leave:

1. Can Marcel Nakfoor win 4 straight Grozas?

2. Can Justin Abdullah win the Heisman?

3. Will Dane Wright break all QB records?

4. Can Arizona 3 Peat?

So many questions…Bear Down…

 So here is a video breakdown of my two QBs.  I edited really really hastily in Premiere….but I also think I might move the Xbox back to the TV and use my laptop for captures….

Here is the battle:

In 1994, I was so happy to get a copy of NHL 95. The game looked great, played great, and was a real center piece for my Genesis sports game collection. This was the first year that you could actually make yourself a player. Unfortunately, like most games back then, us with longer names were tyrannized, and Chris (not Christian) Lander, suited up wearing #12 for the Maple Leafs. I was having a great season, breaking all kinds of records. I was going to top Gretzky, and lead the Leafs to the Cup. Then, in March of that year, I was playing a nothing game against the Islanders. This was the year they had changed to the Captain Highliner look, and I played without fear. Then during the second period, Zdeno Ciger (who had been traded by the computer to another computer team) took me out, center ice. I lay there, on the ice, my season was over.

Zdeno Ciger immediately went to the top of my list of most hated hockey players. I was doing the full 81 game NHL season and all of a sudden, it didn’t matter any more. It wasn’t me that would be playing. It was the first time I, in virtual form, had been injured. It was heart breaking. I never finished the season, too depressed to continue. I started a new season, with NO made up characters.

Zdeno Ciger, #1 on my most hated list.

The rest of the players I ended up hating were for the obvious reasons – outrageous domination that was undeserved.

Valeri Kamenski, Quebec Nordiques (NHLPA 1993, SNES) – simply unstoppable, especially when controlled by Matt Tanner. The guy could score on every wrap around or slapshot. Incredible.

Rod Woodson, Pittsburgh Steelers, DB (Tecmo Super Bowl, SNES) – lets see, intercepts every pass? Yep. Returns punts for TDs? Yep. Causes Fumbles? Yep. I hated this guy. He was incredible, I mean Barry Sanders was good, but not as hateable as Woodson in this game.

Kirk Maltby, Detroit Redwings (NHL ’98, PSone) – another legend on the ice. Completely dominated scoring, fighting, checking. An absolute superstar. Killed me in this game. When Claude Lemiuex smoked him, I was happy, the jerk got what was coming.

Frank Wycheck, Tennessee Titans, Madden 2001. To say he was good would be an understatement There is a play in the game that can only be stopped by picking a double TE defense and then physically covering Wychek yourself. Or slapping the controller out of the hands of your opponent. Anthony “Schiavone” Muir, used this play to death in Madden 2001, although it failed him before he could meet me in the championship round of the McGill Madden Tournament held at Gerts Pub.

Matt Santangelo, PG, Gonzaga, March Madness 2000 (PSone). March Madness 2000 was by far the most underrated basketball game of all time. In this iteration, Gonzaga was blessed with particularly strong shooters, and Santangelo was the best of the best. He even beat me with 0.7 seconds left on the clock when most players take 0.8 to pull it off. I will always hate him, and cheer against him.

Through the years I’ve cursed other athletes, mostly fast quarterbacks, defensemen with strong slapshots, and outside shooters. But none will compare to this list.

He is now a DE. Finally for his senior year.

So now that it’s hooked up to the CPU I’m going to start uploading content from the first week of ESPN The Magazine:

Arizona Recruiting Update

#1 Class in the nation 6 5* players, 15 4* players, 2 3* players.

Top 3: Walter Washington, TE, Dwayne Jones, WR, and Chad Smith (ATH)

Early commits:

1. Walter Washington, TE, JUCO, Edinburg, TX, 6’6″, 225lbs, #1 in the Nation.

With All-American William Perry returning to the team for his senior year and star in the making Shannon Bennett, Walter Washington will have to wait until next year to play. Edinburg is 88% Hispanic, so Washington learned to speak a little Spanish, which is a main reason why he chose Tucson. Good Flautas are good Flautas, and Mi Niditos was a big selling point.

2. Brett Watts, DT, Coolidge, AZ, #2, 6’3″ 295

No surprise here, Watts grew up loving he Wildcats, and wanted to stay close to his family. Also he has impregnated three girls at his high school, and has to stay close for legal reasons.

3. Justin Harmon, DE #3, Indio, CA, 6’1″, 250

Harmon grew up with the Coachella festival. His favorite bands are the Like, Amy Milan, Teagan and Sara, The Donnas, Sahara Hotnights and Slater-Kinney, he loves them so much. Almost as much as kicking football ass. He loves the desert and struggled with all the rain during his visit to Southern California.  He will be majoring in Womyn’s studies.

4. Drew Green, #1 DT, 6’0″, Avondale, LA

Drew Green, from tiny Avondale, LA, a strange parrish with a 12% Asian population. He’s a run stopper, straight chubs, he’s going to have to start eating burritos instead of Church’s chicken to keep his weight up. But he said “I like eating, don’t care what it is. I’ll eat.” Local Tucson restaurants Nico’s and Los Betos, have ramped production for the expected surge.

5. Keron Davis, #2 CB, Balch Springs, TX, 6’0″ 170

Keron Davis, an awesome name. Hails from the Dallas suburb, where he played at Samuell High School, for the Spartans. Other than some weird punters and old Lonhorns, he could be the best to ever come out of this high school.

6. Jeremy Doucette, TE, St. Joseph, MI, #3, 6’6″ 235 lbs

Doucette is redshirting this year. He has already been dubbed “Douche” by his teammates, and has spent considerable time with campus counselling. We are fearful that his choice of Major – Media Arts, may lead to some trouble.

7. Tyrone Ross, Lynwood, CA, #6 DE

Tyrone Ross is living on the bench this year, but looks to be a superstar in a few years. He comes from the streets of LA and was feature in David Lachappelle’s movie “RIZE” as one of the krumpers.

8. Greg Jones, Arden-Arcade, CA, #5 TE 6’5″ 220

Jones was basically born and raised in a mall. He was impressed by Park Place in Tucson, but fears he may have to make more trips to Phoenix for his shopping and food court necessities.

9. Bo Holden, #2 FB, San Marcos, TX

Did not make the team, joined gang in South Tucson.

10. Luis Larson, WR #16, Denton, TX

Truthfully, he will need a miracle to play a significant down at the UofA. He’s a WR, and that position is so well stocked it’s ridiculous. His only other choice was the University of North Texas, and unless he wanted to be the next Stone Cold, he wanted out. Thankfully, he made the team as the last WR.

11. Nick Spencer, RB, San Bruno, CA #4, 6’4″ 189 (RB?)

This Rich boy (avg. family income in SB is $63k), is half Pacific Islander, and the son of a computer programmer and reformed stripper from Oakland via the Philippines. He is a tall, skinny kid who has his heart set on playing RB, but might be shifted to WR depending on how he performs in practices.

12. Mark Jean, Coral Springs, FL, G #7, 6’3″, 280 ( prized recruit)

Offensive line gangsta. He listens to Rick Ross, and represents Florida to the fullest. The chance to play right away is what brought him to Arizona. Trick Daddy has recently purchased a jersey with his name and number. Did you know Coral Springs is the only place to have a McDonalds without a golden arches? Strict sign laws forbid. Jean was once arrested for punching a Puerto Rican at this restaurant when he said that Sisqo was only the 2nd best RnB singer of all time.

13. Dwayne Jones, WR, Hacienda Heights, CA
Hacienda Heights, the asian Suburb of LA, has been a big pipeline for Arizona. Dwayne Jones has said “I’ll miss them Asian bitches, but I am looking forward to having sex with Mexican girls and spoiled girls from Orange County. And playing football too, I guess.” Jones looks to be a big factor next year.

14. Eric Washington, ATH, Raymondville, TX

Converted to play OLB.

15. Chad Smith, Antioch, CA ATH, 6’3″ 205,

With blazing speed and size, he has been converted to QB. Also, since Selmon (starter) is white, his backup (Andrews) is white too. The heir apparent (Dane Wright) is black, so I wanted to have his backup be black too. They can all play Super Smash brothers together.

16. Jamaal Kilpatrick (what heritage is this?), 1 Star, #176 DE, I didn’t recruit him, but gave him a scholarship. Sympathy. UPDATE: He was cut after training camp, UofA has too many good players now, and no one under 74 (except Tyler Lyons at DE) can make the team.

No more blogger, it’s bout the Word Press now.  Watch here for Wildcat updates….