2018 Recruiting Report

Recruiting Map

Matt Jenkins
#1 Guard
Diamond Bar, CA
6’1″
275 lbs
40: 5.16
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 29.7″
Bench: 480
Squat: 690
Pot: Avg.
Dis: Avg.
5 Star

Diamond Bar is pretty much half white, half Asian and used to be the first master planned community in California. Snoop Dogg and Omarion are from here, but Matt is not into hip hop, he’s not into rock. He’s into Cantonese Pop, and Chinese girls…big time. He has a serious Pokemon collection, he loves Anime, Manga, and has only dated Asian girls since a white girl dissed him at a game of spin the bottle in the 5th grade. He was going to go to Berkeley or UCLA, but when he was in Tucson he went a sweet Party by the Asian American Association and picked up a smoking hot Asian girl from Orange County. He’s pretty pumped about their future relationship.

Jamal O’Neill
5’8″ 210 lbs
Aurora, OH
40: 4.41
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 36.9
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 555
Pot: poor
Dis: Poor
Wanted to play for a big time coach
Four STar

Aurora is a rich white suburb, where the average income is $78k. Jim Thome and Ty Detmer are residents, but Jamal O’Neill didn’t grow up rich. His father Rondell grew up on East 99th and St. Clair in Cleveland and as soon as he turned 18 he got out of there and just started walking east. His plan was to walk to New York, NY and become a rapper for Children who taught them to be smart. But one day he fell asleep on a park bench in Aurora, and when he woke up, there was Ty Detmer’s father offering him a job as a groundskeeper at the Aurora Golf and Country Club. Rondell got really into groundskeeping and bought a little house right near the course. It was the smallest house on the block, and was pretty much built and priced just for Rondell, so he could live near his job. Jamal grew up thinking that his dad was being patronized by the golfers. And hates golf and golfers with a firey passion. He only listens to thugged out hip hop, and one time he shot a gun when he was visiting his cousin in Cleveland. They were hanging out at the bus station and just wanted to scare some out of towners. Jamal hopes to continue thugging at UofA.

Jeremy McCarthy
#1 WR
Crystal Lake, IL
6’1″ 182
40: 4.16 – A BURNER
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 41.6″
Hands: A+
Bench: 240
Squat: 350
Potential Average
Dis: poor
PRestige Not a factor
Pac Man Jones is his hero
Five Star

Crystal Lake is less than half a percent black. Jeremy McCarthy was raised by a very wealthy, successful retired laywer from Chicago, who moved to the small town to raise her son. Jeremy’s father was a reciever for the Bears who knocked up his mom when she was doing some legal work for him. Once she got that paternity money, she stopped working and opened a small bookstore so she could spend more time with her son. But Jeremey wanted to be a thug so bad, he started a gang called the “Lakerz” and they wore purple and gold. It’s how they identified themselves against their rival gang – the “The Broncoz” – but they used Orange and a brigher blue so they spent a ton of money on ebay getting the right colors from vintage clothes. Jeremy was in and out of trouble for breaking windows, selling tiny amounts of weed that he bought from some old stoner who lived on the outskirts of town, and for release a rap single where he called his Principal a “bitch ass trick.” He has a real problem with authority and has promised to change his name when he turns 18 in October to “Pac Man” in order to honor his hero. He said he wants to celebrate his birthday at Tens, or TD’s East.

Jordan Rodriguez
Bellflower, CA
#2 FB
5’11” 226
40:4.60
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 38.1″
Hands: A-
Bench: 360
Squat: 445
Pot: poor
Dis: Good
Loves Stoops
Mexican, Military Father
Four Star

Bellflower is a lower middle class city in Los Angeles county – pretty much split 50/50 between white and latino. Jordan Rodriguez is actually Jordan Rodriguez IV the son of Jordan Rodriguez III, a stern man who was born in Nogales, AZ, joined the Marines, won a purple heart in Iraq, then retired to Bellflower where he worked full time and attended USC Law. He eventually graduated and operated a non-profit law firm to protect recent immigrants from predatory lenders. Jordan’s mother was a stay at home mom who raised Jordan and his two sisters. One of his sisters is studying at Yale, and the other is dating Daddy Yankee. Needless to say, the family has a pretty solid favorite ranking. Jordan will join the military upon completion of his degree at Arizona. He is a great kid, who is focused, disciplined, and kind.

Antonio Bryant Jr.
6’1″ 222 lbs
Stockton, CA
#31
Four Star
40:4.26
Field AWR: A
VerT: 41.0″
Hands: A+
Bench: 275
Squat: 470

Bryant’s mother used to be a stipper in Dallas, and after a particularly wild night with former Pitt Panther star Antonio Bryant, she thought she was pregnant. She legally changed her last name to Bryant, and named her on Antonio Bryant in anticipation of a great child support windfall. However, after paying support for a month, Bryant decided to have a paternity test and it turns out that he was not the father. The real father was a rapper named Jerry Jonez (ne Jerry Watson) who took is name from the Cowboys owner and even released a local single called “My Wheels are so hot they melt the road.” It was not a success. When he found out that he was the father, he actually sought out Ms. Bryant for a “stud fee.” He was rebuked, but the experience scared her enough to move to Stockton California and take a job with Diamond Foods. Young Antonio always pretended his father as the great reciever and worked extra hard to become a great talent.

Glenn Chapman
Trindad, CO
6’6″, 188 lbs
#12 QB
4 stars
40:4.46
Field AWR: A-
Arm Strength: A+
Pass Acc: B+
Bench: 315
Squat: 510

Glenn’s father Dexter was an immigrant from Jamaica who thought he was moving to Trindad the country. But somehow got on the wrong plane and ended up in Trindad, Colorado. He complained a lot about the cold, but got really into skiing and decided to stay. He ended up marrying the only other black person in town, a woman named Raylene. Unfortunately, Dexter soon discovered that Raylene used to be Ray Johnson who came to Trindad for a sex change. It turns out the smallish town is the Sex Change Capital of the world” for the work done in the 1960s by Stanley Biber. Dexter was pissed, but he wasn’t a quitter. So he kept trying and trying and somehow he was able to fashion a rudimentary set of fallopian tubes and a uterus and got Raylene pregnant. Though Dexter holds to this story, many suspect that Dexter actually had a mini olympics of his illegitimate kids in Jamaica and picked the fastest one and brought him back to Colorado. Either way, Glenn was a born athlete and set all kinds of records in Colorado. He loves soca music, supports stabbings in certain situations, and is very tolerant of transgender people.

Brett Doty
Fullerton, CA
6’5″ 244
JUCO
#24 DE
4 Stars
40:4.43
Field AWR: D+ (he is DUMB)
Vert: 36.6″
BencH: 370
Squat: 500

Brett Doty was born to play football. As a toddler he played pop warner and set the Fullerton rushing record, it was amazing to see him stumble forward and knock all the kids down. By the time he was six, he had a scholarship offer to the University of Florida, but after he failed the sixth grade for the 4th time, they revoked it. The local high school actually helped him heat on a middle school equivalency so he could play for them. He led them to a State title and teh scholarship offers came back. But when we went to take the SAT, he ate his test, claiming he had never seen a pencil before, and the only paper he saw was money or a burger wrapper. He ended up going to a community college where he barely passed his classes, thanks to having some of his stoner friends write his tests. He is at Arizona and plans to get a degree in “learning.” He is illiterate, and can barely speak English, he mostly grunts.

Jimmy Foster
South Gate, CA
6’6″ 264
#14 DE
Four Stars
40: 4.56
Field AWR: B
Vert: 35.7″
Bench: 395
Squat: 545

Continuing the strong recruiting pipeline of the Los Angeles area, Coach Stoops went right back to pluck this Defensive End out of South Gate. In the 1950s, gangs of white kids used to roam the streets looking for black people, and the city was one of the most segragated in Southern California. But as time passed, South Gate became a predominantly latino suburb, and with 92% of the population listed as latino, and only 1% black. Jimmy Foster was the son of a working class black man named Ezekiel (Ezell) Foster, who married a latino woman named Lupe. They raised Jimmy with core values and a love of the Delfonics. To this day, he calls women “ma’am” and will not swear. When he was in high school he got made fun of constantly for being so polite, then someone tried to punch him, he caught it, stared him down, and said “what would jesus do?” and the gangbanger started crying.

Converted the next day.

Brandon Henderson
Woodlawn, MD
6’3″ 202
#11 WR
4 Stars
40: 4.43
Field AWR: B
Vert: 42.2″ WHOA!
Hands: A+
Bench: 270
Squat: 510 (WHOA!)
Four Star

Woodlawn is the original home of Doug Flutie, Darren Flutie, and Tracy Ham. With all of this CFL history in one place, Brandon Henderson had no choice but to grow up a CFL Fan. His father used to gather the family around to hear stories about the 1996 Baltimore Stallions Grey Cup victory. Brandon always dreamed of growing up and playing for the Montreal Alouettes, which is where the Stallions moved after they ran out of money. Woodlawn is 50 percent black, and Brandon got made fun of for loving Canada so much. But he didn’t care. He just made them poutine, and they thought he was cool. The fact that he was All City and led them to a State Title in Basketball and Hockey probably helped. He also boned 2 white girls by pretending to be from Canada.

Matt Jones
Tiffin, OH
6’6″ 175 lbs
#5 WR
40: 4.16 (yes!)
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 41.0″
Hands: A+
Bench: 250
Squat: 315
BLUE CHIP
Five Star

Tiffin, OH is a small town in Ohio that revolves around High School Football, specifically COlumbian High. Matt Jones was the best player to ever come out of Columbian, and he basked in the glory. His ego was out of control by the time he was fourteen. At age sixteen, he published a book of poetry about himself – the second best selling book behind the bible in Tiffin history. By 17 he recorded 2 albums – one hip hop and one country, just so more people could hear his music. All songs about him, highlights include “Imma catch deez balls” (often misintepreted), “I left that corner back for the endzone” (country). In his senior year he made a 2 hour long documentary about himself that he screened at the first and only Tiffin Matt Jones International Film Festival. He plans to study writing at Arizona so he can write his autobiography. He has presales of 2000 in Tiffin. His friend Mike Berkholtz came to Arizona just to tape everything (and possibly score some girls that Jones deems unacceptable).

Jones considers Jason Weaver a hero, and Weaver has given him permission to wear #19.

Ronnie Lyles (WHT)
Northbrook, OH
6’5″ 228 lbs
#16 QB (Joe Montana Numbers!)
40: 4.78
Field Awr: A+
Arm Strength:A+
Pass Accuracy: C+
Bench: 350
Squat: 510 (DAMN)
Four Star

Ronnie Lyles grew up in a town just outside of Cincinnati, OH. He is the definition of a frat boy. He had the same girlfriend from Grade 9-12 but he cheated on her a lot. She was smoking hot, and knew about the cheating but stayed with him for the popularity boost. He owns 62 Poloshirts, he wears 2 everyday and pops the collar on both. Each shirt applies to a number in the month from 1 to 31. One time, a friend puked on his “the 15th” shirt and he flipped out. He made him buy him 2 new shirts from Abercrombie. He then had to wash the old shirts, Lyles autographed them and sold them to a Freshman girl for $200, she used them in a special goth curse that was supposed either make him fall in love with her or die. It didn’t work. Ronnie plans to join a frat as soon as he can, and sleep with as many “blonde girls from California and imitation-california, also known as Phoenix” as possible.

James Moss
Orange Grove, MS
6’1″ 165
#12 CB
Four Star
40:4.16
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 40.1″
Hands: B
Bench: 205
Squat: 445
Four stars

Moss was a week 4 addition to the Wildcats. Coach Stoops just threw out the offer thinking he didn’t have a chance. But Moss was only being recruited by Southern Schools – Alabama, Auburn, Miss State, LSU, and he wanted to move out west and pursue a career as an actor. He always had to hide his love of Shakespeare and the stage and pretend to be a gangster in Orange Grove, a tiny town just outside of PAscagoula, a coastal town in southern Mississippi. Moss’s dad was a fisherman, and wanted more for his son – he wanted him to play in the NFL or be an accountant. Moss was too scared to tell his dad about his dream of acting so he put his efforts into football and became a star corner. One time he scored a touchdown, and read a soliloquy from Macbeth but someone in the crowd called him a “british fag” and he never let his true love come out again. He plans to study theater at Arizona.

Courtney Wilson
Camarillo, CA
#32 G
6’5″ 316 lbs
40: 5.33
Field AWR: A
Vert: 26.2″
Bench: 530
Squat: 690
Three Stars

Camarillo is a sleepy town in Ventura county mostly made up of suburban houses and strip malls. It’s boring. Courtney made things more interesting by performing Jackass like stunts – jumping off roofs, setting stuff on fire, and peeing in inappropriate places. He got caught taking a dump at mid court during a basketball game (he was the center), and the principal demanded that he play football or face explusion. He decided he would do it if the principal let him fart in his mouth. Lets just say Adolfo Camarillo High School won a city football title, and the principal’s lunches still taste like rotting egg. Wilson is ‘looking forward to blowing shit up in the desert.’

Biggest Heart Break
Timothy Alvarez from Litchfield Park, AZ
FIVE STAR CB – #1 in the US
Strings ARIZONA ALONG then signs with ASU – THE WAR IS ON

Went hard after a superstar QB from Philly – signed with PSU

A HEART BREAK
Lost TE Bruce Jackson from West Hollywood to ASU!

Top Classes
School 5 4 3 2 1
#1 Texas 2 15 1 1 0
#2 Miami 1 16 5 3 0
#3 PSU 4 7 9 4 1
#4 A&M 2 10 13 0 0
#5 USC 1 13 9 2 0
#6 ASU 4 6 10 1 4
#7 Wisc. 1 8 12 2 1
#8 Arkansas 1 6 16 2 0
#9 Arizona 3 10 1 0 0
#10 OSU 1 8 11 3 1

Arizona’s Top Recruits
Matt Jenkins
J. McCarthy
Matt Jones

Arms race in the desert
almost all top WRs are going to either ASU or UA

 

Arizona grabs 4 in season recruits

Recruiting Map

Recruiting

Matt Jenkins
#1 Guard
Diamond Bar, CA
6’1″
275 lbs
40: 5.16
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 29.7″
Bench: 480
Squat: 690
Pot: Avg.
Dis: Avg.
5 Star

Diamond Bar is pretty much half white, half Asian and used to be the first master planned community in California. Snoop Dogg and Omarion are from here, but Matt is not into hip hop, he’s not into rock. He’s into Cantonese Pop, and Chinese girls…big time. He has a serious Pokemon collection, he loves Anime, Manga, and has only dated Asian girls since a white girl dissed him at a game of spin the bottle in the 5th grade. He was going to go to Berkeley or UCLA, but when he was in Tucson he went a sweet Party by the Asian American Association and picked up a smoking hot Asian girl from Orange County. He’s pretty pumped about their future relationship.

Jamal O’Neill
5’8″ 210 lbs
Aurora, OH
40: 4.41
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 36.9
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 555
Pot: poor
Dis: Poor
Wanted to play for a big time coach
Four Star

Aurora is a rich white suburb, where the average income is $78k. Jim Thome and Ty Detmer are residents, but Jamal O’Neill didn’t grow up rich. His father Rondell grew up on East 99th and St. Clair in Cleveland and as soon as he turned 18 he got out of there and just started walking east. His plan was to walk to New York, NY and become a rapper for Children who taught them to be smart. But one day he fell asleep on a park bench in Aurora, and when he woke up, there was Ty Detmer’s father offering him a job as a groundskeeper at the Aurora Golf and Country Club. Rondell got really into groundskeeping and bought a little house right near the course. It was the smallest house on the block, and was pretty much built and priced just for Rondell, so he could live near his job. Jamal grew up thinking that his dad was being patronized by the golfers. And hates golf and golfers with a firey passion. He only listens to thugged out hip hop, and one time he shot a gun when he was visiting his cousin in Cleveland. They were hanging out at the bus station and just wanted to scare some out of towners. Jamal hopes to continue thugging at UofA.

Jeremy McCarthy
#1 WR
Crystal Lake, IL
6’1″ 182
40: 4.16 – A BURNER
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 41.6″
Hands: A+
Bench: 240
Squat: 350
Potential Average
Dis: poor
Prestige Not a factor
Pac Man Jones is his hero
Five Star

Crystal Lake is less than half a percent black. Jeremy McCarthy was raised by a very wealthy, successful retired laywer from Chicago, who moved to the small town to raise her son. Jeremy’s father was a reciever for the Bears who knocked up his mom when she was doing some legal work for him. Once she got that paternity money, she stopped working and opened a small bookstore so she could spend more time with her son. But Jeremey wanted to be a thug so bad, he started a gang called the “Lakerz” and they wore purple and gold. It’s how they identified themselves against their rival gang – the “The Broncoz” – but they used Orange and a brigher blue so they spent a ton of money on ebay getting the right colors from vintage clothes. Jeremy was in and out of trouble for breaking windows, selling tiny amounts of weed that he bought from some old stoner who lived on the outskirts of town, and for release a rap single where he called his Principal a “bitch ass trick.” He has a real problem with authority and has promised to change his name when he turns 18 in October to “Pac Man” in order to honor his hero. He said he wants to celebrate his birthday at Tens, or TD’s East.

Jordan Rodriguez
Bellflower, CA
#2 FB
5’11” 226
40:4.60
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 38.1″
Hands: A-
Bench: 360
Squat: 445
Pot: poor
Dis: Good
Loves Stoops
Mexican, Military Father
Four Star

Bellflower is a lower middle class city in Los Angeles County – pretty much split 50/50 between white and latino. Jordan Rodriguez is actually Jordan Rodriguez IV – the son of Jordan Rodriguez III, a stern man who was born in Nogales, AZ, joined the Marines, won a purple heart in Iraq, then retired to Bellflower where he worked full time and attended USC Law. He eventually graduated and operated a non-profit law firm to protect recent immigrants from predatory lenders. Jordan’s mother was a stay at home mom who raised Jordan and his two sisters. One of his sisters is studying at Yale, and the other is dating Daddy Yankee. Needless to say, the family has a pretty solid favorite ranking. Jordan will join the military upon completion of his degree at Arizona. He is a great kid, who is focused, disciplined, and kind.

 

2017 Recruiting Report

Recruit
Tim Christian
#1 FB
Tallmadge, OH
6’0″ 239 lbs
40: 4.6
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 32.7″
HAnds: B
Bench: 360
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Dis: AVG
Four Stars
Prior to being named Tallmadge, the town was called “Town 2, Range 10″ as a part of the Connecticut Western Reserve. Christian always thought that it was way more gangster to say “T2, R10″ what? And whenever he would play World of Warcraft, or Quake that’s where he would say he was from, and he used the named “Wannabe Drunk” as a screen name. The reason is that until the early 1990s, Alcohol was banned in Tallmadge. That’s right NINTEEN (19) 90s. Recently Alcohol has been permitted for consumption, but it’s not as cool as it could be. Christian always wanted to go to a party school where he could drink light beer and Everclear. When it became clear that Football would be his ticket, he made his decision based solely on which school was best for partying. He visited Florida State but he saw a fat girl passed out near a keg and got scared. He went to Arizona State, but because of all the fake tans he was convinced there was a jaundice outbreak. When he came to Tucson, Will Higgins took him straight to a bar, got him drunk and let him sleep on the bare mattress he keeps in his spare room.

Quinn Scott
#1 OLB
Woodridge IL
6’4″ 229 lbs
40: 4.46
Field AWR: A
Vert: 37.5″
Hands: C
Bench: 405
Squat: 655
Dis: AVG
Pot: AVG
Five Stars
TOP HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER IN THE NATION
Quinn Scott and Greg Moore are known as the Illinois Woodies, as both recruits come from a town in Illinois with the word “wood” in the title.    Woodridge has a number of bike paths that allow citizens to safely ride around town, unfortunately, Quinn never used them.  When he was 6 his father bought him a Hummer Powerwheels – he rode it on the bike paths and would consistently kick over cyclists or throw sticks into their spokes.  Five people were injured, one fatally.  But because even at 12, Quinn was such a football prospect, they let it go.  When he was sixteen, his dad got him a real hummer for his Sweet Sixteen Party.  Quinn proceeded to park the car anywhere he wanted – the middle of football fields, on top of English teachers cars, and inside of a Sears.  But everyone let this behavior go unchecked because they thought he was going to sign with the University of Illinois and bring the program back to glory.  But one day he was watching TV and saw a commercial for a Hummer and it was driving in the desert.  He called up Coach Stoops – who initially was hesitant because he thought that Scott had said “WOODBRIDGE” and the UofA has a strict – No Toronto Gino policy.  But the two talked, Coach Stoops told him about the off road opportunities in Tucson, and he was sold.  Later that week he drove his hummer through a wall at his high school, and took out his Illini letter of intent, yelled ’sike!’ and signed with UofA.  Apparently because of some mixup, Illinois has to pay to replace the wall.

Greg Moore
#1 SS
Homewood, IL
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A-
Bench: 370
Squat: 520
Pot: poor
Dis: AVG
Five Stars
ILLNOIS WOOD
Greg Moore was named in honor of the Canadian driver who died in a racing accident.  As long as Greg could remember he has been obsessed with Canada.  Homewood, IL is rich suburb of Chicago that is 18% black, so the high schools have a “She’s All That”-type ethnicity mix.  Moore, black, was always obsessed with Canada and the small, but significant Black population in the country.  He idolized Soca music, Anson Carter, and had his wall plastered with pictures of American CFL Players – men who were living his dream.  He even attended Caribana twice, and managed not to get stabbed.  That only made him love Canada more.  He is going to study History at Arizona, and hopefully do a summer study session at either Brock or Trent.  Arizona’s AD has promised to keep up loaded up with Ketchup Chips, Coffee Crisps, and Mint Aero bars.

Colin Fox
#1 OLB
Humble, TX
6’1″ 223 lbs
40: 4.43
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 37.5
Hands: D
Bench: 380
Squat: 620
Pot: Avg.
Dis: POOR
5 Stars
Five Stars
Humble Texas (pronounced ‘umble) is an oil town that has spawned David Boston and Alberto Gonzalez.  Colin Fox considers them to be the opposite ends of the spectrum of people he looks up to – he likes David Boston because he makes money, plays football, and lifts weights.  He hates Alberto Gonzalez because he’s republican, but more so because he puts people in jail.  Colin Fox had a play group when he was growing up of 15 babies in his neighborhood.  When he was 12, 11 of them were in jail, including seven girls.  Colin Fox has been in front of the court a LOT but his football ability consistently gets him out of trouble.  He led Humble High to a State Title and drew a lot of recruiting interest.  Kansas State was interested and tried to tell him that he wouldn’t have to change uniforms (Humble jacked K-State for style), but Colin thought Purple was played out, and he only liked seeing it in his cup (as a sizzerp).

Darrell Ross
Willowbrook, CA
6’1″ 190lbs
#1 WR
40: 4.16 (yes that’s fast)
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 41.6″
Hands: A+
Bench: 240
Squat: 350
Pot: Avg
Dis: EXCELLENT
5 Stars
Five Stars
Willowbrook is right next to Compton and it is thugged out.  It’s home of the Martin Luther King Hospital which has had problems in accreditation and poor medical treatment.  One time Ross sprained his knee and his father, a former marine, drove him to Cedars Sinai for a medical exam.  He was fine.  Ross grew up in some pretty tough circumstances but his father’s military background and his mother’s devotion to the church kept in line.  He also watched the movie Antoine Fisher 150 times.  He plays to become either a lawyer or a doctor and is using football as an opportunity to get a good education without putting a burden on his parents.  He finished with a 4.0 GPA, tons of community service, and was All City in Basketball, Football, LaCross, Track and Cross Country.  He was offered a full ride to Stanford, Harvard, and Yale (although the last two were shady deals), but chose Arizona because he wanted to be closer to his parents, and hopes to get an internship with Mike B.

Anthony Johnson
#4 MLB
Norton, OH
6’2″ 237 lbs
40: 4.69
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 34.5″
Hands: A
Bench: 455
Squat: 640
WOW!
Five Stars
Norton, Ohio loves two things: football and apple cider. The town used to have an apple cider festival where they actually made apple cider in town, now they bring in the cider from outside sources.  It has also served as an eerie parallel with football.  The team used to create its own talent through children born and raised in Norton, but as the pressure got higher, Norton started recruiting other towns and kidnapping sixth graders who were talented at football.  Anthony Johnson was actually born Johnny Figarelli from Dublin, OH, a very middle class family when the Norton ‘gypsys’ came to his Pop Warner game and kidnapped him, changed his name, and put him with a foster family.  Football became his sole focus, so much so that when he met his birth parents at 17 he tackled both and got a facemask call against his mom for pulling her teeth while tackling her.

Steve Gilmore
#5 RB
Bridge City, TX
6’1″ 252 lbs
40: 4.29
Field Awr: B
Vert: 33.6″
Hands: C+
Bench: 410
Squat: 670
Four Stars

Like [[Keith Allen ]], Gilmore is from Orange County, Texas.  Although unlike Allen, he hates indie rock with all of his heart.  He loves hip hop, especially chopped and screwed.  He first learned about Arizona after going to a concert put on by Dane Wright and Jason Weaver to promote “back up it’s the blackup”.  It was hard, considering that Bridge City only has 0.2% African American.  Gilmore’s high school rap ground was made up of three white guys and a Chinese DJ.  Interestingly enough one of the white guys went to jail for selling drugs, and the Chinese DJ is now studying mechanical engineering at Rice.  But he’s doing it in a ‘thugged out’ way.  Gilmore hopes to study Engineering at Arizona – “that’s right, I hope to engineer some hoes into my bed.”

Scott Anderson
#1 FS
Chicago Heights, IL
6’0″ 201 lbs (JuCo)
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A
Vert: 42.5″
Hands: C
Bench: 365
Squat: 495
Five Stars

According to City Data – there are 53 Sex Offenders in Chicago Heights, giving the town a 592:1 non offender to offender ratio.  Scott Anderson knows this all too well, he was sexually assaulted by an 18 year old white girl named Brittannnii, she weighed 400 lbs at the time and used to be Johnson’s girlfriend.  According to Johnson  “when she was two bills, she was a dimepiece, or I guess, a two dollar piece.”  After the rape, he couldn’t get his head straight and had his scholarship to Notre Dame revoked, he then went to Community College for a few years.    He channels a lot of his rage into football, and hopes to be a counselor for men who are assaulted by white girls.

Mark Horton
#2 MLB
Pottstown, PA
6″1″ 234 Lbs
40: 4.54
Field AWR: A
Vert: 28.9
Hands: C+
Bench: 410
Squat: 670
Five Stars

Pottsville is home to the “Hill School” a fancy boarding school for rich kids that has an endowment of over $126,000,000.  Mark Horton was born to a poor alcoholic father, who pushed him to become heroic football player.  When he was in middle school he was given a shady scholarship to the Hill School – they offered to let him live at home, but he demanded that they let him board.  After a year of screaming while he slept, he started to adjust and dated a girl named Caroline Vandegraff, a rich girl from New York City.  She tried to turn him into an educated, mannered young man, but when he visited her family in New York he saw Lawrence Taylor, flipped the table over ran towards him and give him a big bear hug.  He then called her dad a “pussy” her parents were furious – Caroline loved him even more and has turned down a ‘scholarship’ to Columbia (aka her parents million dollar donation) to attend Arizona to be near Horton.

Shawn Jackson
#3 MLB
Detroit, MI
6’1″ 237 lbs
40: 4.43
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 33.3″
Hands: C
Bench: 425
Squat: 730
Five Stars
Shawn Jackson is from the D, the worst part.  He was raised in an house that was on fire for most of his childhood.  He just lived in the parts that weren’t on fire.  Both of his parents were jailed for selling drugs, then killed in jail.  Government worker came by to pick up Jackson but saw a burning house and thought it was empty.  But Jackson was determined, he used the fire in the house to keep himself warm and to cook the food he stole from garbage cans around town.  He enrolled in school and worked extra hard to make his way through school.  He had three jobs in middle school, made honor roll and was named all city in cross country.  By the time he reached high school he was working four jobs, earning straight A’s and was in Sports Illustrated’s Faces in the Crowd.  He was one of only three males to finish high school alive or not in jail.  He decided to come to Tucson for it’s low arson rate, warm weather, and football legacy.  He plans to study Political Science and hopefully become a Rhodes Scholar.

Julius Jenkins
#2 Tackle
Greenbelt, MD
6’4″ 297 lbs
40: 5.31
Field Awr: A+
Vert: 26.2″
Bench: 500 (WHAT?)
Squat: 690
Five Stars

Greenbelt was created during the New Deal as a public works project.  There is a lot of art Deco around the city that is pretty evenly split between white and black.  Jenkins went to Elenanor Roosevelt High School and was an absolute superstar.  He played soccer, basketball, and football.  Though soccer was his first love, he knew that football was his best chance at a scholarship.  He still kicks on the side, mostly ass.  He hopes to study some sort of government policy so he can bring about “New Deal: Da Return” that will either be a series of government policies, or a hip hop album.

Travis Sledge
#1 Center
6’5″ 295 lbs
Pacifica, CA
40: 5.12
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 28.6
Bench: 505
Squat: 775 (WHAT? WHAT?)
Four Stars
Pacifica is rich, with a beautiful pier, fishing, and surfing.  Travis Sledge is the illegitimate great grandson of former crooner Percy Sledge.  Travis’s grandfather was the illegimate son of Sledge when he boned a white hippie in the 1960s.  Sledge didn’t do very well in school, he spent all of his time lifting weights and surfing.  He once bench pressed a surfboard with a motor cycle on it.  He ran into Cedric Lacey at a surfing competition in Big Sur and he told him all about the Wildcats.  Travis struggled to leave the Ocean, but Lacey said “you gotta see what’s out there, learn to live without the water so that when you go back, you’ll appreciate it even more.  Plus, there are ladies like crazy out here and not stuck up northern California girls, we’re talking loose southern California and Phoenix girls.”  And Sledge was sold.

2 Walkons
Jason Ralph
Camp Verde, AZ
QB
52 OVR
Jason was playing in an intramural flag football league on campus when he was approached by Coach stoops to be the third string quarter.  Though the position will only be temporary, Ralph sees this as a great opportunity to raise his profile with sorority girls, and possibly pick up some leftovers from the real Wildcats.

Tremaine Berg
52 OVR
Oracle, AZ
Tremaine Berg was added a personal favor from Coach Stoops to an old friend.  Tremaine was named after Johnny Tremaine.

Fullback
Drew Alford
Nogales, AZ
62 OVR
Drew Alford was added to the team as part of an initiative by Mike B to create a spot on the team for white kids from Nogales, AZ.  It remains to be seen if it will be a success.

Arizona
#2 Recruiting Class
9 Five Star
3 Four Star

 

Arizona nabs 2 more commits

Colin Fox
#1 OLB
Humble, TX
6’1″ 223 lbs
40: 4.43
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 37.5
Hands: D
Bench: 380
Squat: 620
Pot: Avg.
Dis: POOR
5 Stars

Humble Texas (pronounced ‘umble) is an oil town that has spawned David Boston and Alberto Gonzalez.  Colin Fox considers them to be the opposite ends of the spectrum of people he looks up to – he likes David Boston because he makes money, plays football, and lifts weights.  He hates Alberto Gonzalez because he’s republican, but more so because he puts people in jail.  Colin Fox had a play group when he was growing up of 15 babies in his neighborhood.  When he was 12, 11 of them were in jail, including seven girls.  Colin Fox has been in front of the court a LOT but his football ability consistently gets him out of trouble.  He led Humble High to a State Title and drew a lot of recruiting interest.  Kansas State was interested and tried to tell him that he wouldn’t have to change uniforms (Humble jacked K-State for style), but Colin thought Purple was played out, and he only liked seeing it in his cup (as a sizzerp).

Darrell Ross
Willowbrook, CA
6’1″ 190lbs
#1 WR
40: 4.16 (yes that’s fast)
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 41.6″
Hands: A+
Bench: 240
Squat: 350
Pot: Avg
Dis: EXCELLENT
5 Stars

Willowbrook is right next to Compton and it is thugged out.  It’s home of the Martin Luther King Hospital which has had problems in accreditation and poor medical treatment.  One time Ross sprained his knee and his father, a former marine, drove him to Cedars Sinai for a medical exam.  He was fine.  Ross grew up in some pretty tough circumstances but his father’s military background and his mother’s devotion to the church kept in line.  He also watched the movie Antoine Fisher 150 times.  He plays to become either a lawyer or a doctor and is using football as an opportunity to get a good education without putting a burden on his parents.  He finished with a 4.0 GPA, tons of community service, and was All City in Basketball, Football, LaCross, Track and Cross Country.  He was offered a full ride to Stanford, Harvard, and Yale (although the last two were shady deals), but chose Arizona because he wanted to be closer to his parents, and hopes to get an internship with Mike B.

 

Arizona gets first three recruits of class of 2017

Recruit
Tim Christian
#1 FB
Tallmadge, OH
6’0″ 239 lbs
40: 4.6
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 32.7″
HAnds: B
Bench: 360
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Dis: AVG

Prior to being named Tallmadge, the town was called “Town 2, Range 10” as a part of the Connecticut Western Reserve. Christian always thought that it was way more gangster to say “T2, R10” what? And whenever he would play World of Warcraft, or Quake that’s where he would say he was from, and he used the named “Wannabe Drunk” as a screen name. The reason is that until the early 1990s, Alcohol was banned in Tallmadge. That’s right NINTEEN (19) 90s. Recently Alcohol has been permitted for consumption, but it’s not as cool as it could be. Christian always wanted to go to a party school where he could drink light beer and Everclear. When it became clear that Football would be his ticket, he made his decision based solely on which school was best for partying. He visited Florida State but he saw a fat girl passed out near a keg and got scared. He went to Arizona State, but because of all the fake tans he was convinced there was a jaundice outbreak. When he came to Tucson, Will Higgins took him straight to a bar, got him drunk and let him sleep on the bare mattress he keeps in his spare room.

Quinn Scott
#1 OLB
Woodridge IL
6’4″ 229 lbs
40: 4.46
Field AWR: A
Vert: 37.5″
Hands: C
Bench: 405
Squat: 655
Dis: AVG
Pot: AVG

Quinn Scott and Greg Moore are known as the Illinois Woodies, as both recruits come from a town in Illinois with the word “wood” in the title.    Woodridge has a number of bike paths that allow citizens to safely ride around town, unfortunately, Quinn never used them.  When he was 6 his father bought him a Hummer Powerwheels – he rode it on the bike paths and would consistently kick over cyclists or throw sticks into their spokes.  Five people were injured, one fatally.  But because even at 12, Quinn was such a football prospect, they let it go.  When he was sixteen, his dad got him a real hummer for his Sweet Sixteen Party.  Quinn proceeded to park the car anywhere he wanted – the middle of football fields, on top of English teachers cars, and inside of a Sears.  But everyone let this behavior go unchecked because they thought he was going to sign with the University of Illinois and bring the program back to glory.  But one day he was watching TV and saw a commercial for a Hummer and it was driving in the desert.  He called up Coach Stoops – who initially was hesitant because he thought that Scott had said “WOODBRIDGE” and the UofA has a strict – No Toronto Gino policy.  But the two talked, Coach Stoops told him about the off road opportunities in Tucson, and he was sold.  Later that week he drove his hummer through a wall at his high school, and took out his Illini letter of intent, yelled ‘sike!’ and signed with UofA.  Apparently because of some mixup, Illinois has to pay to replace the wall.

Greg Moore
#1 SS
Homewood, IL
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A-
Bench: 370
Squat: 520
Pot: poor
Dis: AVG

Greg Moore was named in honor of the Canadian driver who died in a racing accident.  As long as Greg could remember he has been obsessed with Canada.  Homewood, IL is rich suburb of Chicago that is 18% black, so the high schools have a “She’s All That”-type ethnicity mix.  Moore, black, was always obsessed with Canada and the small, but significant Black population in the country.  He idolized Soca music, Anson Carter, and had his wall plastered with pictures of American CFL Players – men who were living his dream.  He even attended Caribana twice, and managed not to get stabbed.  That only made him love Canada more.  He is going to study History at Arizona, and hopefully do a summer study session at either Brock or Trent.  Arizona’s AD has promised to keep up loaded up with Ketchup Chips, Coffee Crisps, and Mint Aero bars.

 

2016 Recruiting Report

Recruits
Chris Whitworth
#1 SS
Findlay, OH
6′2″ 210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
VerT: 40.7″
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: Avg
Discipline: Good

Whitworth is from the same town as Ben Rothliesberger and former Ohio State kicker Josh Huston. His dad worked at the Cooper Tire Factory and always came home smelling like rubber, he also pressured Whitworth into playing baseball. When Whitworth showed interest in football, his dad got pretty mean. So Whitworth started to hate the smell of rubber, and all products that were similar to rubber. As a result he got three girls pregnant in his sophmore year, but he’s pretty good at talking and convinced all three of them to ‘take care of the situation’ without telling their parents. He plans to go to law school after finishing at Arizona.

John Austrum
#2 CB
Greenville, OH
5′11″ 172 lbs
40: 4.24
Field AWR: A
Vert: 38.1″
Hands: B
Bench: 215
Squat: 445
Pot: Poor
Dis: Poor

Greenville, Ohio is not a big or successful town. Their wikipedia entry mentions that they have a “loose meat Hamburger Restaurant.” That restaurant is owned by Austrum’s parents, and unfortunately his schoolmates all called him “loose meat” because of the restaurant and the time he came to school with really short shorts and his balls hung out of the bottom. He was taunted mercilessly and developed quite a mean streak, and a passion for vegan food. He is very strict as a vegan and will not eat food that even looks like an animal. He considers Vegan Gummi Bears to be meat.

Cody Stewart
McKinney, TX
#3 CB
5′11″ 175 lbs
40: 4.24
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A-
Bench: 215
Squat: 315
Pot: Avg
Dis: Poor

Cody’s mom plays for the Dallas Revolution, a semi-pro women’s team. She was an incredible defense tackle and won MVP of the league three times, and caused six separate women to be infertile because of her hits. She got pregnant with Cody after she raped an underage hot dog vendor at the game. She never told that 15 year old that he was a father, she told Cody that he was born when a football arrived at her doorstep, she opened it up and out came Cody. He believed that story to be true until he was 17 when he watched the movie Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jim Hall
#3 DT
Forestville, OH
6′2″ 287
40: 4.88 (DT!)
Field AWR: B
Vert: 27.4″
Bench: 460
Squat: 605
Pot: Poor
Dis: Avg

Forestville is a rich white suburb of Cincinatti. Jim Hall’s parents were both lawyers in the city and didn’t spend much time with Jim as kid, so he got really into skateboarding. He is still the only black person in forestville history with a skateboarding citation. He started playing football when the judge ordered it after his fifth skateboarding citation. He set a sack record at his high school, and had a sweet dance where he would pretend to do a kickflip over the felled quarterback. He looks forward to coming to Tucson where he can skate year round.

Lorenzo McGee
Santa Clarita, CA
#2 DE
6′4″ 250 lbs
40: 4.65
Field AwR: C+
Vert: 36.3″
Bench: 380
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Dis: Good

Santa Clarita is rich, and they film a ton of stuff there when they need a high school setting. McGee did a lot of acting work as an extra, a thug, a criminal, and an aspiring rapper (with only 2% of the population being black, they don’t have too many options for these roles). McGee’s father is a police officer, and Santa Clarita was rated as the 6th safest city in the United States, mostly thanks to the work of McGee’s father (Irish roots). McGee had offers to USC and UCLA but after dealing with directors from both schools, he thought they were full of jerks, so he came to Arizona where he hopes to study Criminal Justice and star in a few productions. He gets pretty angry against the California schools and cannot wait to play them.

James Wilson
#1 Guard
6’5″ 288
Apple Valley, CA
40: 5.12
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 30.3″
Bench: 455
Squat 690!
5 Stars

James Wilson was raised by this man – his uncle after his parents decided to move to Mexico to be closer to meth. He had a pretty average up bringing – working on perms, using specialize hair care products, watching Dolemite over and over. But he got strong, really strong, and started playing football. His uncle was concerned over the effect the helmet would have on his hair. But after the college offers started rolling in, he relaxed a little, but still would get nervous at games thinking about the damage that the helmet was doing to his hair.

Keith Allen
#1 Tackle
Orange, TX
6’3″ 312 lbs
40: 5.16
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 28.6″
Bench: 465 lbs
Squat: 750 lbs (holy crap)
5 Stars

From Orange County Texas, and in this Orange County there are black people. It’s on the gulf coast, and Allen reps Slim Thug, Paul Wall, and Mike Jones to the fullest. But at the same time he has been heavily influenced by California’s Orange County – he loves Indie rock too. He played drums for a band called Ducky’s Revenge, and also produced beats for a high school rap group called Citrusss. When searching for colleges, he said he wanted to find a place where people would understand someone who loves thugged out hip hop and indie rock – Arizona and Alabama were his only choices.

Alan Barron
#1 RB
Weatherford, OK
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A
Vert: 37.8″
Hands: C
Bench: 310
Squat: 695
5 Stars

Weatherford is almost five percent native, and with that making up 1/8 of his heritage, Barron is a strong advocate for native rights and environmentalism. In spite of the fact that he will sit behind Redwood Haynes, he said he wanted to come to Arizona to learn from the Environmentalist Running Back. He hates the oil industry, and is a big proponent of natural medicine. In the state championship game, he tore his ACL, then he rubbed some special root on it, went back in the game and scored five touchdowns. He then ate the root, and made out with three girls in the same night. Receiving two hand jobs – one botched, one to fruition.

Marvin Overstreet
Concord, CA
#1 G
6’1″ 277 lbs
40: 5.20
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 30.9″
Bench: 460
Squat: 680
5 Stars

Overstreet went to De La Salle High School – the perpetual powerhouse. They are considerably better than Toronto’s De La Salle High School, but their hockey team can’t hold a candle to Canada’s ginos. Overstreet was a born guard. When he was six his father, a former Oakland Raider lineman, saw his son pick up a football. He slapped the football away, and then slapped his son and told him “you don’t touch that, you block everything in front of it.” Overstreet then knocked over the family dog while his younger brother ran into the kitchen for a touchdown.

Jay Gibson
White Center, WA
#3 Kicker (BLACK!)
6’3″
199 lbs (WHAT?)
40: 5.05
Field AWR: A
Kick PWR: A+
Kick Accuracy: A
Bench: 285
Squat: 315
4 Stars

Yes, Jay Gibson is a black kicker. He had posters of Reggie Roby all over his room when he was kid. As if it weren’t hilarious enough that he’s a black kicker in a world of white guys and foreigners, he is also from White Center, Washington. Though shockingly, it’s the most thugged out part of the Seattle area! Jay Gibson kept it crazy real in high school, and studied karate with an awesome black karate master who had a shaved head and a beard. Through the karate he learned to kick ass and footballs. He treats every situation like prison – he kicks someone’s ass on the first day – he did it at camp, he did at McDonalds, and he’ll do it at Arizona. Mike Cooper is scared, and will probably quit the team.

Kevin Jackson
Los Angeles, CA
#5 DT
40: 5.14
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 29.2″
Bench: 480
Squat: 720
4 Stars

Finally. This is the first Wildcat from Los Angeles PROPER that the Wildcats have had. Jackson grew up near Little Tokyo in Downtown Los Angeles. His family didn’t have a car, and he barely left the city limits during his childhood. He didn’t know Los Angeles was on the ocean until his was 17 and his mind was blown (LA Schools need work). He also got really into Ramen, and befriended a Ramen chef at Daikokoya in Little Tokyo and learned to make really great Ramen and hopes to travel to Japan one day to study under the masters. He plans to pursue a degree in East Asian Studies.

Willie Babcock
Palos Hills, IL
#1 DE
6’6″ 251 lbs
40: 4.73
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 37.2″
Bench: 430
Squat: 595
5 Stars

Palos Hills is a suburb of Chicago, a pretty rich one too. Willie was one of only four black kids in his high school, and oddly enough they all played defensive line. They were dubbed “the censor bar” and put a hurting on opposing quarterbacks. He was going to go to Notre Dame, but, like so many Wildcats, found the hoes at Arizona to be much flyer. He also talked to Mike B about where to go to school, and after he talked at bout the “Libarry” and an “ambliance” Mike B decided he wasn’t Notre Dame material and sent him to Arizona.

Jarred Gray
#3 CB
Derby, Colorado
6’0″, 197 lbs
40: 4.29
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 43.4″ – HOLY CRAP
Hands: B
Bench: 250
Squat: 350

Derby, Colorado is 47% Hispanic and only 1% black. Jarred Gray was used to being the only black guy at quinceaneras, confirmations, and in his freestyle skiing club. Yes, Gray’s parents are crazy rich, and hold aspirations of him being the next Jeremy Bloom – he’s got hops on the mountain and off – 43.4” VERTICAL! One time they set up a basketball hoop on the mogul course (22’ off the ground) and Gray did a twister spread and hit the dunk. He hung on the rim and when he let go he busted a helicopter. He wants to go to Arizona to get away from the pressure being put on him by his family to be a skier, he wants to focus on football. He’s also got a sweet touchdown dance ready go (hint: he pretends to ski).

Ben Bray
#6 MLB
Pampa, TX
6’0″ 248 lbs
40: 4.73
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 34.2″
Hands: C
Bench: 435
Squat: 665
4 Stars

Pampa is near Amarillo. And as anyone who has ever been to Amarillo can tell you “the best view is in your rearview mirror.” Bray echoes that statement. He developed a thick skin as surrounding towns would make derogatory statements about Pampa and Pampers – either they wear them, they smell like them, they can’t afford them for their children, and so forth. But Bray took that rage and channeled it into two routes – football and poetry. He wants to be the next great Arizona Linebacker, and the next great desert poet. Though he hasn’t really matured beyond poems about football – he hopes that college will introduce him to new topics. Here is a sweet poem he wrote:

I play linebacker
I make Tackles
I don’t play hockey

Freaking awesome.

Raymond Rogers
Mount Olympus, UT
#9 CB
40: 4.16 YES
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 40.1″ nice
Hands: B
Bench: 225
Squat: 445
4 Stars
Mount Olympus is CRAZY rich – Media Family Income is 92k. Raymond Rogers is the son of former NBA Player Carlos Rogers – who got really into toques and snow when he played for the Raptors and decided to move his family to Utah. Raymond is a spoiled rich kid who drives a hummer, skis, attended school in Switzerland for a while, speaks French and German, and was all set to study at private school. Then his father explained to him what kind of job he would have to do to maintain his lifestyle: doctor, lawyer, CEO – and he decided football was just easier. He also skiied against Jarred Gray, they have a big rivarly and do not like each other.

Top Classes
#1 Colorado
#2 Texas A&M
#3 Arkansas
#4 USC
#5 Arizona
Five 5-Star, Ten 4-Star, 15 Total
More Five Stars than anyone else

 

Arizona nabs final In Season Recruit

Lorenzo McGee
Santa Clarita, CA
#2 DE
6’4″ 250 lbs
40: 4.65
Field AwR: C+
Vert: 36.3″
Bench: 380
Squat: 570
Pot: poor
Dis: Good

Santa Clarita is rich, and they film a ton of stuff there when they need a high school setting.  McGee did a lot of acting work as an extra, a thug, a criminal, and an aspiring rapper (with only 2% of the population being black, they don’t have too many options for these roles).  McGee’s father is a police officer, and Santa Clarita was rated as the 6th safest city in the United States, mostly thanks to the work of McGee’s father (Irish roots).  McGee had offers to USC and UCLA but after dealing with directors from both schools, he thought they were full of jerks, so he came to Arizona where he hopes to study Criminal Justice and star in a few productions.  He gets pretty angry against the California schools and cannot wait to play them.

 

4 Commit to Arizona including 3 from Ohio

Chris Whitworth
#1 SS
Findlay, OH
6’2″ 210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
VerT: 40.7″
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: Avg
Discipline: Good

Whitworth is from the same town as Ben Rothliesberger and former Ohio State kicker Josh Huston. His dad worked at the Cooper Tire Factory and always came home smelling like rubber, he also pressured Whitworth into playing baseball. When Whitworth showed interest in football, his dad got pretty mean. So Whitworth started to hate the smell of rubber, and all products that were similar to rubber. As a result he got three girls pregnant in his sophmore year, but he’s pretty good at talking and convinced all three of them to ‘take care of the situation’ without telling their parents. He plans to go to law school after finishing at Arizona.
John Austrum
#2 CB
Greenville, OH
5’11” 172 lbs
40: 4.24
Field AWR: A
Vert: 38.1″
Hands: B
Bench: 215
Squat: 445
Pot: Poor
Dis: Poor

Greenville, Ohio is not a big or successful town. Their wikipedia entry mentions that they have a “loose meat Hamburger Restaurant.” That restaurant is owned by Austrum’s parents, and unfortunately his schoolmates all called him “loose meat” because of the restaurant and the time he came to school with really short shorts and his balls hung out of the bottom. He was taunted mercilessly and developed quite a mean streak, and a passion for vegan food. He is very strict as a vegan and will not eat food that even looks like an animal. He considers Vegan Gummi Bears to be meat.

Cody Stewart
McKinney, TX
#3 CB
5’11” 175 lbs
40: 4.24
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A-
Bench: 215
Squat: 315
Pot: Avg
Dis: Poor

Cody’s mom plays for the Dallas Revolution, a semi-pro women’s team. She was an incredible defense tackle and won MVP of the league three times, and caused six separate women to be infertile because of her hits. She got pregnant with Cody after she raped an underage hot dog vendor at the game. She never told that 15 year old that he was a father, she told Cody that he was born when a football arrived at her doorstep, she opened it up and out came Cody. He believed that story to be true until he was 17 when he watched the movie Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jim Hall
#3 DT
Forestville, OH
6’2″ 287
40: 4.88 (DT!)
Field AWR: B
Vert: 27.4″
Bench: 460
Squat: 605
Pot: Poor
Dis: Avg

Foresville is a rich white suburb of Cincinattie. Jim Hall’s parents were both lawyers in the city and didn’t spend much time with Jim as kid, so he got really into skateboarding. He is still the only black person in forestville history with a skateboarding citation. He started playing football when the judge ordered it after his fifth skateboarding citation. He set a sack record at his high school, and had a sweet dance where he would pretend to do a kickflip over the felled quarterback. He looks forward to coming to Tucson where he can skate year round.

 

2015 Recruiting Map

Click for Aardvark Map

 

2015 Recruiting Report

Joe Fulton
#2 WR
San Dimas, CA
WHT
6’2″ 178 lbs
40: 4.33
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 42.5?
Hands: A+
Bench: 215
Squat: 350
Potential: AVG
Dis: Poor (does not believe in rules, authority, and any law that is not rooted in nature or buddhist culture)
Four Stars

Joe “Bong Bong” Fulton is a rock and roller. He comes from San Dimas, land of Bill and Ted and Raging Waters/Waterloo. Joe was heavily influenced by the Wyld Stallions and continues to rock in the most classic of styles.� He wears those poncho shirts from Point Break, plays acoustic guitar, and smokes enormous amounts of weed.� He has also read One (1) Jack Kerouac Novel “On the Road,・One half (1/2) of Siddhartha by Herman Heese, and a coffee table book on Buddhism.� He considers himself enlightened and references one of these three books in every conversation he has with girls. It has been successful, although some suggest that his success with the ladies might come from: 1) his Football abilities, 2) his Band “Sweetwater Residue” winning a San Dimas battle of the bands, 3) his work as an Abercrombie Model. He also credits his sweet hands from playing guitar and his speed from playing hackey ack. And yes San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Antonio Ingram
#1 SS
Columbus, OH
6’2″
210 lbs
40: 4.39
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.7″
Hands: A-
Bench: 340
Squat: 520
Pot: Avg
Dis: Poor
Four Stars

Antonio Ingram grew up loving the Columbus Blue Jackets more than anything. His parents, an attorney father and designer mother (worked with the Limited Corporation) encouraged his hockey abilities, and he even went up to Canada a few times to play against MTHL and OHL All-Stars, he ran them all. Dana McKiel even ran a feature about him on Rogers Community Ten in Toronto. But when he was 15 and playing in a hockey tournament, his mother decided to move to Toronto permanently to live with her new life partner, a social worker named Karen. Then, some guys from Scarborough called him a sell out for playing hockey and challenged him to play basketball. He dunked on all of them, and called them out on being fake thugs. Then when he got back to Columbus he was filled with a lot of rage, and without hockey to help him with the agression, he took it out on the basketball court. He kicked guys
after dunks, threw the ball at opposing players nuts, and threw a crazy body check where he left his feet and sent a center flying into the stands. He then went after him and jerseyed him. That was it for basketball. So they switched him to football and he blossomed.

Reggie Hughes
#10 MLB
El Campo, TX
6’0″ 225 lbs
40: 4.6
Field AWR: A
Vert: 33.6″
Hands: C
Bench: 395
Squat: 670
Pot: Poor
Dis: Good
Four Stars

El Campo is poor – 20% of the population lives under the poverty line, and Reggie was no exception. Only 4% of the popuation has a graduate degree, and those three guys got their degree from the University of Phoenix on line. Somehow they got a Masters in High School Equivalency. Robbie was raised by his mother after his Dad bailed to play bass in a Kool n the Gang Tribute band that plays Indian casinos in the southwest. And since there aren’t Indian Casinos in Texas he had to choose between Kool and the Kids. He chose Kool, and Reggie has hated that band ever since.

After joining his high school football team, he was a pretty average middle linebacker. Then before one game, the cheerleaders started dancing to celebrate and he lost it, he had 15 tackles, 12 sacks, and 2 interceptions. He was a maniac because he pictured his father on the other team. He now plays Kool and the Gang Greatest hits before each game. He said he’s going to punch his dad in the face when he plays Desert Diamond or Casino Del Sol.

Michael Ginn
WHT
6’3″ 240 lbs
#3 DE
Taylor, TX
40: 4.65
Field AWR: C-
Vert: 28.6″
Bench: 360
Squat: 570
Pot: Poor
Dis: Poor
Four Stars

Michael Ginn was the MAN in high school. His parents were pretty laid back and gave him free reign over the house, so he had tons of parties, and boned literally a dozen women. He keeps a running score on his helmet by attaching a boob sticker on the back for every lady he boned. His high school coach didn’t approve, but then Ginn threatened to quit the team. So the coach had no choice but to let it slide. Soon some other players started doing it, but when the punter put 15 stickers on his helmet, everyone knew he was a virgin, and laughed at him until he quit. They later found out that he made a ton of money on the internet by selling stuff from World of Warcraft and hired a lot of hookers. He had to transfer to a school near more hookers. The Punter’s name was Michael Scott and he moved to Glendale, CA to be closer to the Porn Industry where he spent most of his money on single nights with the finest pornstars in the world. He is also coming to Arizona (see below), and has surpassed Ginn in terms of sexual experience and prowess. Michael is headed to Arizona. Stoops has already said that he does not approve of the boob stickers, so Taylor will keep his helmet in his dorm room and keep adding stickers. He’s also pretty good at football, but he is more focused on the ladies. Michael will be wearing Douchewraps at Arizona.

Jeremy McCutcheon
C
#1
6’3″ 274
Redondo Beach, CA
40: 5.12
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 27.7″
Bench: 480
Squat: 730
Five Stars (EA Blue Chip)

Jeremy is a punk rocker, plain and simple. He grew up with Black Flag (a local band) and only listens to punk music. He’s really into the music, and was actually thrown out of a high school football game for wearing an iPod underneath his helmet during the game so he could listen to punk while he played. He played the next game and was terrible, so he got an asian kid at his high school to build an mp3 player into the helmet. After that, he became a local legend, then the helmet picked up a cell phone conversation between his girlfriend and the quarterback and their relationship. He got furious and went nuts and became a blue chip recruit. He uses anger to play and it works. He and Robbie Mooney talk about how much they hate ‘bitches’.

Matt Fitzhugh
DE
#2
6’4″ 230 lbs
Lafyette, IN
40: 4.5 *WHAT?
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 36.9″
Bench: 390
Squat: 585
Five Stars
EA Blue Chip

Lil Freeney as he’s known in Lafayette is basically a Dwight Freeney clone. Except he’s bigger, stronger, and dumber. Matt, the son of an Irish farmer and a backup singer for Barry White. They met at an Indiana Casino and had a wonderful relationship that lasted all the way to the casino bathroom. After giving birth to Matt, his mother dropped him with his father, who started him playing football immediately. The farm work, plus the natural rhythm of his genes, lent him to the offensive line.

Xavier Henderson
FS
#1
Dumas, TX
6’0″ 197 lbs
40: 4.33
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 40.4″
Hands: A+
Bench: 310
Squat: 525
Five Stars (EA Blue Chip)

Dumas is only .059 Black, and Xavier was one of only four black kids at his high school. He is smart, with good hands, and a healthy hatred of all things Texas. When he was 11 his family drove into Amarillo for his birthday, Xavier got one look and said “the best view of this place is in the rear view mirror” then he opened his car door, spit on the ground and refused to go into the Applebee’s “I’d rather eat that spit.” The family then had to drive to Dallas for dinner at a Japanese Fusion restaurant. Xavier plans to use the football scholarship to study business and hopefully get into Investment Banking in either New York, San Francisco, London or ‘somewhere with a real gourmet scene.”

James Livingston
C #3
JUCO
Streamwood, IL
6’6″ 287 lbs
JR
40: 5.07
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 27.4″
Bench: 495
Squat: 630
Five Stars (EA Blue Chip)

James went to Elgin Community College in the rich suburb of Chicago known as Streamwood, sorry “village.” Only 3% of the population are poor, and James Livingston (technically, James Livingstone III) is most definitely not one of them. His family are insanely rich and have not worked since the 1960s, most of the money was made in meat processing and bootlegging liquor (the family was Italian, but changed the named to Livingston to appear more sophisticated, although they wanted Livingstone, they weren’t too good at spelling). James was raised with all the privilege in the world, but rather than east coast Ivy style, his parents gave him New Jersey Italian style privilege – meaning his crib had gucci sheets, his lunch box was made of solid gold, and his Power Wheels was a 14 foot long Cadillac. When he was in high school if one of the books he had to read was not a movie, his parents actually commissioned producers to turn it into movies (surprisingly, one venture – “Minority Report” went on to be a considerable financial success after James older brother had an English teacher who was into Sci Fi). In any case, James is smart on the field, but very dumb off of it.

Chad Horton
WR
JUCO, JR
Bradford, PA
6’1″ 183 lbs
40: 4.26
Field AWR: C+
Vert: 42.2″
Hands:A+
Bench: 245
Squat: 360
Four Stars

Bradford is home to the Zippo factory which makes lighters and collectable knives. And Chad’s father is a lifelong worker at the Zippo factory and is a floor manager, and would always bring home collectible knives for his son on his birthday. Chad is quite the sword collector and now owns numerous katana’s, Lord of the Rings limited edition swords, hunting knives, Rambo style knives, and those curvy middle eastern blades. He’s a strange guy, at Junior College he studied metallurgy and plans to make his own swords when he graduates. He’s good at football and has been cited six seperate times for trying to bring knives onto the field during a game, claiming ‘it’s my religion, I’m a stabby catholic.’

Joe Elliot
T
#1
Brownsville, TX
6’2″ 315 lbs
40: 4.97
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 26.2″
Bench: 440
Squat: 670
Five Stars
EA Blue Chip

Brownsville is only 91% Hispanic, and only 45% of those under 18 are under the poverty line. So needless to say Joe Elliot’s poor white trash family felt like they were the racist kings of the town. Though Joe never bought into his parent’s racist tendencies, he never really spoke out against them either – he was too busy playing football. That’s all he can do, he can’t read, he can’t write, he can barely speak, but he can block. And if the NFL didn’t have the rule against under classmen, he would be a first round pick tomorrow. He was able to get into Arizona under a “special needs” exemption, and will have his own special major crafted for him and his needs. Officially it is to be called “a mix of the arts, literature, and mathematics,” but the truth is that he will be studying finger painting, counting, and the alphabet.

Mike Harris
Calumet City, IL
6’1″ 248 lbs
ATH
JUCO, JR
#2
40: 4.33
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 33.9″
Hands: C+
Bench: 425
Squat: 670
Four Stars

Mike Harris born in Ontario, Canada but moved to Calumet City when he was very young when his Jamaican mother married a guy who said he played for the Chicago Cubs. What he meant was that he liked the Chicago Cubs and that he was on welfare and sold drugs. Mike was named after the Ontario Premier who was in power during his birth. His mother is a staunch conservative with a passion for Ontario history, Mike does not share that passion. He like thugging, and would often ride his bicycle to Gary Indiana to try and experience a more thugged out experience. He also appeared on “Hood 2 Hood: The Blockumentary,” and talked about how hard it was to keep it real. He also likes Buju Banton.

Andy Jackson
Peterborough, ON
WR
6’0″ 170 lbs
#2
40: 4.16 (WHAT?)
Field AWR: B+
Vert: 41.9″
Hands: A+
Bench: 265
Squat: 325
Four Stars

The Canadian revolution continues as Coach Stoops found the only black family in Peterborough and brought their son to Arizona for a recruiting visit in February. When Andy stepped of the plane, he said “ok, I’m going here.” Though he had visits at Arizona State, USC, UCLA, and San Diego State, he cancelled them after Stoops told him that the snow might cause his flights to be late. He was the fastest high schooler in Peterborough history and plans to return one day after his career with the Argos is over. He hopes to study education and become a phys. ed teacher.

Ryan Parrish
#5 WR
Siloam Springs, AR
6’5″ 215 lbs
40: 4.48
Field AWR: A+
Vert: 43.1″
Hands: A+
Bench: 275
Squat: 390
Four Stars

Ryan had a pretty normal childhood – his mother worked at Wal*Mart, his dad was a long haul trucker. He went out drinking on Fridays and Saturdays, most of his friends got girls pregnant in high school. It was very “Varsity Blues,” and Parrish was the one who focused on getting out. Just to make sure he could escape, he worked extra hard at football and school. He had full academic scholarship offers to Howard and Rutgers, and an internship with Rutger Howard. But in terms of football, he only had offers from Arizona, Arkansas and Arkansas State. He chose Arizona because they were big time, and Coach Stoops really has faith that Parrish could be the next superstar Wideout at Arizona.

Nick Robinson
DE
#5
Brownsburg, IN
6’6″ 275 lbs
40: 4.78
Field AWR: A-
Vert: 36″
Bench: 440
Squat: 630
Four Stars

The other half of “Dem Indiana Boys (with Fitzhugh)” – Robinson is a another strong, fast, Indiana Defensive Lineman. Brownsburg is an Indianapolis Suburb and is only 97% white, so Robinson felt a little out of place. Though his parents were executives with Eli Lily, Robinson told everyone that he was sent to Brownsburg from Gary after he killed a cop, and was laying low. Most of those who were in his class wondered why a 14 year old would kill a cop, but any time they asked a question, the rather large Robinson would say “do you want to do some more research” then point to his fist “the main library opens in two minutes,” then point to his other fist and say “the archives open shortly after.” He also taped all the sex he had on his recruiting visits then sold it on the internet under a website called “AwesomeRecruitingHoes.com” – he then sold the whole thing to Golden Palace for a million dollars before the NCAA got word.

Michael Scott
5’11” 175 lbs
#19 P
WHT
Glendale, CA
40: 5.35
Field AWR: A-
Kick Power:B
Kick Accuracy: A
Bench: 235
Squat: 280
Two Stars

Michael Scott was teammates with Michael Ginn and after he saw the boob stickers, he slathered his helmet in stickers and his life in lies about boning girls at camp, cheerleaders at other schools, and a girl he met in Michigan. No one believed it, so he went back to World of Warcraft and made a ton of money, and started getting hookers. He turned out the Texas population pretty quickly and decided that he needed more experience, famous, and advanced prostitutes. So he moved to Glendale and made regular trips to Chatsworth to bone pornstars, he even appeared in a Shane’s World movie. After coming to Arizona he has stated that he will maintain a residence in Nogales, AZ, for, uh, “tax purposes.”

Kicker – Walk On
Mike Cooper
Sun Lakes, AZ
5’11”
183 lbs

Mike Cooper is a walkon without a lot of talent. Much like how the CFL has mostly Canadian kickers, Coach Stoops has decided to stop wasting scholarships on kickers to see what a paying student can do. Cooper was just a regular middle class kid who likes backwards baseball caps, smoking weed, listening to hip hop, and playing Halo 2. He is lame. Stoops has instructed the team to never speak to him.