December 2006


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Tucson, AZ – Jason Weaver called a press conference outside his dorm room this afternoon and proclaimed that he had won the Heisman. His roommate, dressed in a suit, then emerged from the closet and handed Weaver a copy of WC’s Ghetto Heisman. Weaver had the follwing speech prepared

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to say what a great honor it is to win the ghetto heisman. I’ve been working so hard my whole life to win this award: listening to hip hop, thugging, being born black. It’s taken a lot of time and commitment to win it, and even being nominated is an honor.weaverheismancover2013.jpg

First, I would like to thank the slave holders for bringing black folks to America. Second, I would like to thank my ancestors for punking those slave owners and opening their own plantation where they had white slaves (editors note: this has not been confirmed), and invented basketball and then dunked on the white slaves all day long. I have lithographs of this, and my ancestor was doing a 360.

Second, I want to thank me, for being so damn good. Did you see the Washington State game? Did you? It was like a man playing against pop warner teams. I’m so good it hurts.

See you all in New York.”

The media were unimpressed with the conference and the Ghetto Heisman album, but they did enjoy the spanikopita and mini-quiches prepared by Weaver for the members of the media.

“Just cuz I’m ghetto don’t mean I’m a savage,” said Weaver. “hors d’eurves is part of life yo!”

kevinbondswsu2013.jpgTucson, AZ – The Washington State Cougars should be pencilled in each year as a chance for the Wildcats to drop 50.  Once again, WSU was terrible as Arizona cruised to 59-10 victory.

But no one expected to see a game like the one Dane Wright played on Saturday.  The Senior QB was 21/30 for 533 yards, 5 TDs and 2 ints.  The yardage was a school record, and made even more impressive considering he didn’t play the full fourth quarter.

“You’re suprised?” said Wright jokingly after the game. “But seriously, it was the playbook, this new custom scheme is perfect.  Empty  backfields, Flexbone, it’s perfect for me, and it might be good for Chad next year.  But this record goes to the O-line and the recievers, I mean, you know it’s a good day when I intentionally pass to the douche!”

The recievers had great games, including Heisman front runner Jason Weaver who had 7 catches for 274 yards and 2 TDs.

“Listen up, I almost cried out there today-twice!” said Weaver after the game.  “First, I almost cried about how bad Washington State is, and how it’s unfair that schools like Howard and Mount Union can’t be Division 1A.  Secondly, I did cry when I saw a fan holding up a “Black up, it’s the Back Up,” sign.  It was beautiful, I love the fans.”mcintoshtdwsu2013.jpg

Mike McIntosh was also solid, with 2 TDs and 111 yards recieving.

But offensively, the biggest surprise was to see Andrew Schlicher come in for mop up duty and look pretty incredible.  He was powerful, agile and making some sweet cuts.  Four carries for 27 yards, maybe he’ll be a factor next year.

And finally the aggressive Arizona defense continues to bring back to the Desert Swarm.  Kevin Bonds had a crazy interception, and Patrick Rodriguez had 4 tackles, 3 TFL, and 2 sacks.

In all, this team is looking like a national championship contender.  And with Colorado’s loss to #5 Texas A&M, Arizona looks to have a chance to make some noise as they are #6 in the Media and #4 in the Coaches poll.

danetojasoncal2013.jpgBerkeley, CA – Dane, Dane, Dane.  He’s the star of this offense.  He only completed 8 of 16, and yet still had 253 yards passing, and 4 TDs.  However, while most times these numbers would reflect Dane’s arm strength, in this case, it was the strength of his recievers and Cal’s inability to stop the YACs that led to the big numbers.  Dwayne Jones, Jason Weaver and even Jeremey Doucette (yes, even the douche!) caught balls less than 15 yards from scrimmage and took them to the end zone.

“I’ll be honest,” said Wright about Doucette’s touchdown. “I thought I was throwing to Ben (Weaver), the sun was bright and I couldn’t see the numbers, or those dumb blue arm sleeves.  Although, I love them, it makes it easier to find him on the field, then look for another reciever.”

On the ground, the Wildcats ran up over 300 yards rushing thanks to Dane scrambling 15 times for 88 yards, and Isaiah Jones rushing 4 times for 100 yards! (he broke off an 88 yard run in the 4th quarter).  Amazingly, it looks like Jones has been named starter for the rest of the season and Spencer will sit.

“So? I’m still rich,” said Spencer of the announcement. “I’m going to be a systems analyst anyways, screw the NFL.”

After experimenting with the Hawaii Playbook last week, Coach Stoops shifted to the BYU Playbook and is considering a full conversion to Mormonism.mylescal2013.jpg

“It’s a pretty good playbook,” said Stoops.  “There is a good mix of run and pass and it really opens the field for a mobile quarterback.  Also, I like how they focus on family values.  I’m really thinking about converting, although (Athletic Director) Lander has been trying to push me to Scientology.  But I doubt they have any good playbooks.”

Quick Notes:

  • The defense looked strong, and had a season high 7 sacks.
  • Patrick Rodriguez hit hard and forced a fumble
  • Freshman Howard Coleman had 7 tackles and looked solid
  • Pierre Long of Colorado (the reason why theWildcats lost) has rushed for 1000 yards and 11 touchdowns, and we’re only FIVE GAMES into the season
  • Jason Weaver is the #1 Heisman Contender
  • Arizona is still #5 in the Coaches and moved up to #6 in the Media Polls.
  • Noted booster Myles V. was in attendance.

svsw2013cup.jpgTucson, AZ – The Arizona Wildcats did not look like themselves against Alabama on Saturday. Primarly because Coach Stoops used Hawaii’s playbook in an effort to make Dane Wright a more focal part of the offense, after Wright called Arizona’s playbook “wack” after the Colorado loss.

The Wildcats pulled out the egg from the McHale Center, and celebrated, but the team knows that they need Alabama to win a close game (or lose) in order to keep the egg for another year.

But this year’s SVSW in Tucson was defined by defense and, of course, Jason Weaver, who only played 2 quarters due to a shoulder injury. Coming into the game, Arizona was petrified of Alabama’s Franklin Bradley, a 96 overall who TORCHED the Wildcats in the first quarter. He was by far the most dominant back that the Wildcats have ever faced, he was fast, strong, and coupled with ‘Bama’s huge offensive line it was trouble. But as the game went on, Arizona kept putting more and more players in the box, and Stoops let Rodriguez and Lewis loose and they shut him down.

Offensively, the playbook caused some strange formations and lineups. For example, Fullback Eric Washington lined up at halfback because of his superior recieiving abilities, and his strong blocking skills. Ben Weaver, TE, lined up at WR and had a huge game, pulling in 4 balls for 111 yards.

But it was Jason Weaver who keeps making statements with his play (and his mouth). After a monster first quarter, he injured his shoulder and missed the 2nd and 3rd Quarters, but still managed to make 5 catches for 181 yards and TD. After the game he did not have kind words for the Alabama secondary.

“Why on earth are you single covering me?” said Weaver after the game. “These dumb bastards need to two tutors to read Dr. Seuss, you think they’d send four to cover me.”svsw2013pain.jpg

In spite of the insult, Jason Weaver is the #1 Heisman contender, as a sophmore.

But the man of the hour was Dane Wright, who set a personal best with 445 yards passing. He was 19/34 with one TD and three interceptions, and was sacked five times. It is doubtful that he will get to run this offense again.

“Ok, I admit, I was wrong,” said Wright after the game. “The Arizona playbook is solid, although I still think we need to find something new, that better uses my skills.”

On the defensive side of the ball, John Lewis continued his amazing season, with seven tackles and three tackles for loss. John Castorani had an INT, and Bryson Horton set a new fumble return record by bringing a ball back 96 yards for a score to seal the game in the fourth quarter.

With the game in hand, the Polls are starting to look interesting

Wisconsin is #1 in Both Polls, and Colorado is #2, but both are splitting first place votes. The Wildcats are #5 in the Coaches Poll (#5!) and #8 in the media poll (some say Jason Weaver is personally responsible for calling USA Today a ‘retard paper’). This season is FAR from over.

Up next, #22 California.

First Quarter

Second Quarter

Third Quarter


Fourth Quarter

white.jpgA group of white Arizona Wildcats who are self proclaimed “rednecks and country boys” have released a country and western single to try and raise money for Farm Aid and to help out Arizona farmers, and help build some new farms in the Gulf Region in an effort to help out the extended families of some of members of the Alabama Crimson Tide. John Diles, Casey Cook, and Kevin Jackson were featured on the track entitled “We’re White, We’re Alright”

Kevin Jackson
Now we don’t smoke no marijuana or sip on hennessey
But we do come from Illinois, Oklahoma, and Tennessee
We ain’t got no iPods loaded with Young Jeezy and Master P
But we do got a mixtape full of John Michael Mont-Gom-Ery!

Chorus
We’re White, We’re Alright
We can drink all night
We’ll help you and lend a hand
But don’t act like we’re in the klan

John Diles
We ain’t so different, you and me
Black and white, city and country
We love big trucks and arms with tats
We love football and having tons of gats

Chorus
We’re White, We’re Alright
We can drink all night
We’ll help you and lend a hand
But don’t act like we’re in the klan

Casey Cook
I’m just a young man out here all alone
But I want to see this Wildcats bring it home
We got thugs and necks, but we both read the bible
Now lets work together and win us a title

So today was a workshop on SEC Football and ‘Bama style Defense and recruiting.

I learned a lot and made a lot of observations, here they are:

  • Alabama has a lot of high jumpers in 2013
  • They run the south for recruiting
  • Seth Sanchez is very talented, but not consistent
  • The same is true of Chris Richard
  • Alabama has a very good defense
  • Terrence Graves has the type of senior leadership that will bring Alabama an SEC title – he has heart, amazing legs, and just enough arm strength to get the job done. But it might not be enough for a national title. But you never know.
  • Marcus Minor will be a star, think Dane Wright but younger and with a better attitude, he’s like a robot.
  • Houston = Overrated
  • My only reason for wanting an XBox 360 – NCAA 2008, so it will look good on my LCD monitor, since it was made for that resolution.
  • Publish I cannot wait to get home and play the follow up game to Colorado.

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